Published June 18, 2009
When I smile, it's fake. My laugh sounds like a cry for help. My tears mean nothing. Suicide? you ask. No, it's just worthless and selfish. Love? No, there is no such thing anymore. It's been over publicized, and everyone wanting to find it, makes do with what they have and marry someone they can't stand just to say they've found love like the newest accessory. Life, what does it mean to anyone anymore? Just suffering? Because that's the definition in my dictionary. Talking? What's the point if there's no one with ears anymore? Everyone is too busy with if they made Cheer Squad, how much money their couch purse cost, who has the biggest house, who is going to win American Idle. What's the point anymore?
I walk along the New York streets alone. I check the windows, seeing if anyone is looking. I see but one person looking back. That person is always with me, even in the rain, in the snow. I watch as she shivers on the streets with me. She's always at my side. It's nice having someone, even though that person if my reflection. She's always coping me though. I don't like it. Can't she figure out something else to do with her time?
"Out of my way!" Someone yells and shoves me to the ground. They run past me, no awaiting hand to help me up, so sorry, nothing. It's brought me back to what I'm doing at least.
I stand up, and brush myself off. I continue walking, watching as all of the other people on the streets avoid me by crossing the street. What happened to people? Didn't they used to be nice? No, wait, that was the book I read in kindergarten with my class. I trip over something, and I hesar little meows. I scramble to my feet and find a little kitten shivering in the snow.
"Aw, come here little guy." I pick up the small runt, and brush the snow and dirt off of him. I look at the kitten, and see myself. Out on the streets, alone, no one to care for. "You're name is going to be Sam. Do you like that?" The cat shivered in my hands.
I continue my walk along the streets, looking for a new place to sleep. It's going to be hard in the snow. I come across a park, Sam is asleep, so I sit on a low-lying branch on a tree. I balance myself so that i won't fall, and as night falls, I fall asleep.
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hey! Forever here with a review!!
This was a beautiful piece here. I really liked how the mood of the story shifted in such a little amount of time. It was a short and yet a great story. Despite it being a part of a relatively larger novel, it felt like a complete story which I really liked. We have no idea about what is going to happen next, so no worries on our side.
I loved the first line. It was very straightforward and drew me in to read the erst of the story. That line... I guess many of the readers will find it very relatable(at least I did). Anyway, now let's jump into the character. We haven't really got a clear cut idea bout who the character is. In the first place, I thought that the character was only a depressed person and was thinking depressed thoughts. The feeling of loneliness was very clear. Then when the character went to sleep in a park... it seemed like the character had no home and no one to go to. The character was actually a very lonely person. I really feel very sad for the character.
Next, the meeting of the character and the kitten. That was a cute one. That meeting actually showed that the character can be happy in the future. Like there are a lot of chances but we don't know. The narrator did find happiness in little things. Though a kitten who can not understand any of their feelings, they still kept the kitten near their side which is pretty commendable and kind.
From what I understand, the narrator once indeed had a good time in their life. Like when they say that people once used to be good. I had a feeling that whatever the character is going through didn't start a looong ago.
One thing which I noticed is the lack of descriptions. I do understand the fact that this was more based on emotional feelings than anything but as this is going to be a novel, I would suggest to add little descriptions, if possible.
Other than that, it was quite a good one. Oh did I mention that the title is pretty intriguing? Because it really is!
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay this is an interesting start here. We've got a character that appears to be in a bit of a bad time in their life judging by the general sort of mode that we've established there and the atmosphere that seems to be created here. You've certainly set the tone quite nicely for the sort of situation that you have in mind there. It pulls you in quite nicely there as a reader and gives you a solid sort of picture about this person and what they are currently going through. I think its a pretty solid place to start here.
ALright that's an interesting little detour there to break us out of sort of the mini bubble that was temporarily created there around this person and those reflective thoughts there. Its an interesting choice of interruption especially with that kindergarten comment to follow. It adds on quite nicely to the general atmosphere from earlier and the projects more the idea of this being a start where we've got this person in a rather low point in life.
Ooooh well that was a far cuter point to end on than what I was anticipating, but I love how the connection even there is drawn out of the same idea of what's been going on so far with this character. It really ties all of this together quite nicely I think...and the glimmer of hope almost that is also created there with this cat's arrival makes for a wonderful end to proceedings here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
There is nothing wrong with this first sentence, but maybe elaboarte a little bit more on why your MC smiles fakely? Like, this MC is obviously a person who has problems with their live, so why not start out with the flashback of an event that has shaped your MC. For Example, if the problem is that the MC has an abusive father, start out with a memory of that abuse. It will be an interesting hook that will grab alot of readers.
This part i do not understand what you are trying to say. If you laugh, aren't you in a happy and good mood? Maybe this MC has always been sad / depressed for so long, they have lost contact with the ideas of laughter and happiness. Try "Maybe there was a time when I was happy and carefree, loved and always laughing. But now, I can't even remeber how it feels."
Huh, what, wait? You told us in the first two sentences (and in the title) that your main character is an emtionally depressed person. If they cry, wouldn't they be crying about their problems?
This Paragraph Is confusing and all over the place. In the first sentence, I'm getting the Impression that that main character is asking the reader if they think the MC is suicidial. Good Start, but then, No, It's just worthless and selfish? What? How do those connect. Then you go to love. Love? I like how you say your MC has lost contect with love, but maybe put in in the second sentence, with the losing contanct with happiness and laughter. Alright, erm, for the rest of the paragraph, I like how your main charcater is questioning the meaning of life, but you still have yet to mention why your MC is emotinoally depressed. Also, in the instance you are using it, idle is spelled idol.
Okay, try to elaborate a little bit more, please. Why is your main character walking in the streets? What are they doing?
Okay, this paragraph should probably be worded a little differently. As I read, before I read the words 'my reflection' i thought your Main Character had a stalker. You don't want to confuse your readers. Also, this is jumpy. You were walking in the new york streets, and now your checking out the windows?
Now back in the streets again? I'm confused. Also, why is someone shoving your Main Character?
Okay, Okay. First of all this is a cute story with potetional. However, this is lacking much needed description and development. I don't know anything about your main character besides they have emotional problems. Describe the scene a little bit more. How is your character feeling in a certain spot. Give them a name, a past, a history.
It's a little dull and unrealistic and needs more description, detail and reaserch.
PM Me If you have any questions
Alright. I am in more of over all mood today, and since you've already got most of your nit-picky grammar issues out of the way, this is going to be more of a review of the story as a whole.
Now that was a run on sentence...
Your Main Character
Right now she's just another depressed teen. I don't feel anything for her, because I've read her story in so many other books. She doesn't appear to have a reason to be depressed, besides homelessness. And yes, she's homeless, but that leads me to...
Realisticness
Sure, there are tons of homeless in New York, but they don't sleep on tree branches. A police officer would come and make you move!
Then there was that incident with the pedestrian, who tells our lonely little MC to "get out of the way." Seriously? People aren't that rude. I can't imagine someone saying that. It seems as though it was added just to show how lonely and sad the life of Little Miss (or Mister) MC is.
Then there was the kitten. A kitten, just lying in the middle of NYC? I find that hard to believe.
Plot
You're walking a very fine line. Suicide has been done millions of times before and I don't see this as different from the rest of them. How are you going to make yours original?
Good luck and happy editing ~~
Antigone
I kind of like it, but I hope this one will have something more than suicidal intentions.
At first she said it's nice having even just a reflection by her side, but at the end she doesn't like it. Should've put the 'but' earlier, I hope you understand what I mean.
Well, I like it. Not sure if you're going to continue it but, so far it's still peaceful. The MC seemed to be able to ignore the suicidal mood at the beginning, just want to point that out.
I'm not sure if the MC will go suicidal or not, b/c right now her problem seemed to be coming from sheer loneliness. I don't think that's enough for her to go suicide, but I don't know, I'll see when I read more of this in the future.
Hey, Master. I guess I should say welcome to YWS and I'm going to review this for you.
I'll give you some grammar nitpicks and then some feedback at the end.
You should just connect both these little parts. Suicide, you ask. I think that's right. I'm not sure.
I like this part, but when you read it, it sounds sort of weird. Maybe try something like this:It's been over publicized, everyone wants to find it. They make do with what they have and marry someone they can't stand just to say they've found love like the newest accessory. Or something like that.
This sounds kind of awkward when you read it, too. The cheer part especially. Try this: Everyone is too busy wondering if they made the cheer squad...
Maybe this: I see only one person looking back.
Just a typo.
Alright, I hope that wasn't too bad. Some suggestions I have for you: