Prompt 164
"Back to square one," the skinny, blond woman sighed while stuffing away all of his pictures, and everything that reminded her of him. She wondered why she had kept up with him for two years, two long, miserable years. Finally, the girl had put an end to it.
While he was at work all the time and never was home to take care of the children or to check up on his own wife. She wondered if he even cared about them or even was aware of his negligence. He had been verbally hurting the children - long nights without a father to tuck them in, no father to protect them, no father to care for them.
The woman kept ranting while putting up his stuff. "He's gone forever, now.." She muttered, with a grim, creepy smile on her face. She went to her basement. There he was, tied and attached to an old, blood stained bed. His glassy eyes were glued to an object that she could not see, his blood was splattered all over the place. She still had the same expression on her face, she walked up to his empty, dead body and kissed it.
"I love you and I always will, you never forget that..." She said while walking back up to the first floor, and. locking the basement door on her way out. The phone rang.
"Hello?" She answered, calmly.
"Are you ready for our date, Margaret?" The soothing voice asked.
"Yes, I'm on my way. My kids are at a friends. I'll see you soon, honey!" Margaret exclaimed as she hung up. "Maybe this will be the right one," she asked after she had hung up.
Margaret walked out the door with a wonderful smile - a bit creepy though. She walked to the car, entered, and started it. Margaret was an aggressive driver and she had always been one, honking almost the whole time to the man's house.
She finally arrived. Exiting the car, she walked up to the door and knocked a couple of times and than entered. "Hello, Dan?" Margaret yelled. His house was huge - almost like a mansion, it had huge, twisting stairs leading up to the second story. The tiles were nice - looked more like polished stone of some sort. The walls were a nice light brown, almost tan.
Margaret slammed the door close on her way in. She sat herself down on the smooth, Persian couch. She reached to the end table and grabbed a TV remote and turned on the big, flat-screen, HD TV. "Why not waste time?" She said. While flipping through a few channels Dan finally came down the winding stairs with a little, young girl by his side - holding his hand. She gave the girl a quick frown.
The girl ignored her, almost not noticing it. "Hey, there." Margaret said with a grin.
He returned the smile, "Hey! This is little Emily here." He said as he pointed to a little child. "She is my daughter - say hi Emily." He commanded.
"H-hi.." She said nervously.
Dan grabbed her hand and walked down to Margaret. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Do you mind if Emily comes along?" He asked, but he already had the answer. Emily was dressed up and ready for food.
"Not at all..." Margaret answered regretfully. She let out a quick and quiet sigh - it was a good thing no one noticed.
*
They sat down at the nice dinner table, it was a sea-food restaurant. There was all kinds of scenery. There was a waitress already at the table. The lady gave Dan and Margaret a menu and Emily a children's menu. Emily was very afraid of Margaret, already. Somehow she sensed something wrong with her, her hostility maybe?
"What would you like to drink, miss?" The waitress asked Margaret.
"Red rum, please. Thanks." She answered.
"And what about you two?"
"Little miss Emily would like cherry soda and I would enjoy some sweetened tea."
"Coming right up!" The waitress said cheerfully.
"How old is Emily?" Margaret asked, as if Emily were an object. She wanted to break the ice, everyone seemed so tense.
"I'm nine." She answered, a bit arrogant. Emily was very intelligent for her age - almost the mental capacity of someone thirteen years old.
"Yes, and growing too!" Dan commented proudly.
"Aw, she's so cute! I love your blond hair." Margaret said as she became aware that the waitress had arrived with the drinks. She sat down the drinks and they all gave a fast, thanks.
"Thanks.." Emily answered, she was embarrassed.
"You're welcome, sweetie."
Emily shot Margaret a bad look. "Dad, I have to go to the bathroom.." Emily exclaimed.
"Margaret can take you, won't you?" He asked politely.
"Sure," Margaret answered, taking Emily's hand and walking toward the bathroom. Emily went to her own stall, Margaret stood at the sinks, waiting. She looked at her complexion in the mirror. Her face was rather pale and she did not have much of a smile on her face.
Emily flushed the toilet and began to walk out, Margaret grabbed her wrist. "Wash your hands, honey." She said. "Did I just call her honey?" She thought to herself.. "Well, might as well play nice girlfriend role." She said to herself.
Emily ripped her wrist from Margaret's tight grip. She placed her hands under the sink and the automatic sink turned on with cool water. She pushed upon the soap dispenser as a tiny squirt of soap came out. Emily rubbed her hands together and washed them before drying them off.
"Thank you, Emily."
"Yeah..."
"Is something wrong?" Margaret asked.
"Nothing. He always has another girl each week...it's dumb."
"Oh, really?" Margaret became angry, she bit her lip, but hid her anger it well.
"Yes." Emily answered, lying.
They walked out of the bathroom and arrived at the dinner table. The waitress was waiting with a bit of attitude. They all ordered their food. "Dan, have you been in the dating scene for a while?" Margaret asked curiously.
"No, it's been a while since I've dated. I've been missing dating other people and meeting people, you know? Sometimes I just don't realize it. I'm glad I met you." He answered. Margaret give a glare toward Emily. "She's a child... Children lie." Margaret thought to herself.
View part two here.
View part three here.
-------
Okay, I just wrote this from the top of my head. It's for a contest - please review. I think I will continue it. Anyways, thanks! 
Hey, I feel that everyone else has covered most of the major things...or the nit-picks... make sure you keep everything easy to follow, describe the people and surroundings more and watch your grammar, other than that its a great story! I'm addicted to Criminal Minds so anything with serial killers catches my interest immediately.
Thanks for reviewing, Mia. It would be nice if you would've added your opinion on the story instead of just nit-picks - but that's okay. I'll get to editing now! (I've been putting it off for days - so might as well now...)
Remember to check out the second part, everyone!!!
Hi! Here is my review!
Overall, quite good. However, here are a couple of little nit-picks (nit- not nick-)
xLogan wrote: Finally, the girl had put an end to it.
While he was at work all the time and never was home to take care of the children or to check up on his own wife. She wondered if he even cared about them or even was aware of his negligence. He had been verbally hurting the children - long nights without a father to tuck them in, no father to protect them, no father to care for them.
While flipping through a few channels Dan finally came down the winding stairs with a little, young girl by his side - holding his hand. She gave the girl a quick frown.
They sat down at the nice dinner table, it was a sea-food restaurant. There was all kinds of scenery.
"Little miss Emily would like cherry soda and I would enjoy some sweetened tea."
"I'm nine." She answered, a bit arrogant. Emily was very intelligent for her age - almost the mental capacity of someone thirteen years old.
This was interesting. The character of Margaret was a bit chilling, and mysterious. I also liked the attitude of the little girl, Emily. Her attitude seemed appropriate for a nine-year-old girl to have in this situation, but she also seemed very mature. I enjoy reading about young children who surpass their age group. Maybe a little more detail could be added, but I haven't read part 2 yet, and I saw you saying something about adding a flash back. I was just a little confused about this woman, Margaret. But, overall, this story kept me interested. I'm going to read part 2 right now.
Hey there! Here to review as requested. You've already got quite a few reviews on this one so I'll just see if there's anything I can pick out.
Finally, the girl had put an end to it.
He had been verbally hurting the children - long nights without a father to tuck them in, no father to protect them, no father to care for them.
"He's gone forever, now.." She muttered
She still had the same expression on her face, she walked up to his empty, dead body and kissed it.
walking back up to the first floor, and. locking the basement door on her way out.
"Are you ready for our date, Margaret?" The soothing voice asked.
"Yes, I'm on my way. My kids are at a friends. I'll see you soon, honey!"
"Maybe this will be the right one," she asked after she had hung up.
Margaret walked out the door with a wonderful smile - a bit creepy though.
Exiting the car, she walked up to the door and knocked a couple of times and than entered.
"H-hi.." She said nervously.
Emily was very afraid of Margaret, already. Somehow she sensed something wrong with her, her hostility maybe?
."I'm nine." She answered, a bit arrogant
"Did I just call her honey?" She thought to herself.. "Well, might as well play nice girlfriend role." She said to herself.
"Yes." Emily answered, lying.
Horray! Part two is finished! It's been posted, look at original post above to get link.
I was kind of aiming for the multiple personality disorder with Margaret. Once I finish the second chapter I'll go back to this and edit it.
Thank you everyone for reviewing!
Okay! Don't have much time. Sorry for the wait, but you've already got a lot of reviews on this, so this doesn't need to be long.
He had been verbally hurting the children - long nights without a father to tuck them in, no father to protect them, no father to care for them.
"Hello?" She answered, calmly.
I don't really understand if this is supposed to be horror/serial killer story, or romantic "hate-Dad's-new-girlfriend" kind of story. You start on this creepy murdering note, but then completely ignore it for the date scene. Which comes across as really odd.Yeah, I thought the same thing about the mass murderer or serial killer thing. I made Emily really intelligent for her age and much mature. Thanks for the review and I sure will!
Hey, kudos to you. The story kept me captivated to the end!
Margaret sort of creeps me out. She seems like a tiger, waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce at a moment's notice. Also, she's pretty violent--what with her murdered husband scene, and her glaring at Emily...seems very appropriate for a 'mass murderer' or 'serial killer.'
And Emily--she doesn't seem normal, either. She's shy and gets embarrassed easily, but...I'm not exactly sure why, but she seems inhuman somehow.
Great story overall, though. Let me know of any new ones! 
Yeah, she killed him. In the next part I'm adding I'll be sure to put a flashback of some kind so people for sure will know!
It was really interesting, and I definetly want to read more. I only caught a few gramatical errors like you pt children instead of children's menu. But other than that, it was pretty good. But I would maybe like to learn more about Margret, she was the one who killed her husband right? I wasn't quite sure if you know what I mean. The author of course knows what he or she is talking about, but the audience doesn't. Keep me posted!
Wow!! That was great. I loved the detail you gave when she went down to the basement. I could picture the whole scene in my head. I really enjoyed it and would love to see where the story was going...
Juniper wrote:Hey Logan! June here!
My apologies for not getting to this sooner.
I was a little worried that Marge would kill Emily, haha. Marge seems a bit bipolar, too-- it's hard to tell what she'll think next. I think you need to quell her character a little, because she's on the verge of seeming inhuman.
Also! The elipsis is three dots (...) no more, no less; in some events, you can preceed an ellipsis with a period and it may be four dots in a row, but keep an eye on that. It's commonly three.
Use transitional paragraphs. You're not half bad with it, but when she's packing away her dead husband's stuff, she's in the basement at the next moment. Not a bad thing, but, it seems a little rushed. Throw in a little bit more filler to draw progress smoothly.
Also! I'm a little confused here:
"No, it's been a while since I've dated." He answered. Margaret give a glare toward Emily. "She's a child... Children lie." Emily thought to herself.
Who's thinking to themselves?
Aaand, lastly, I'd say to try and make dialogue a little more natural. The characters all seem tense-- and while that's not entirely bad, I'd like to see a little more conversation even if it's all pretend.
Good work. I like your style, Logan. You're pretty good already.
June
Hey Logan! June here!
My apologies for not getting to this sooner.
I was a little worried that Marge would kill Emily, haha. Marge seems a bit bipolar, too-- it's hard to tell what she'll think next. I think you need to quell her character a little, because she's on the verge of seeming inhuman.
Also! The elipsis is three dots (...) no more, no less; in some events, you can preceed an ellipsis with a period and it may be four dots in a row, but keep an eye on that. It's commonly three.
Use transitional paragraphs. You're not half bad with it, but when she's packing away her dead husband's stuff, she's in the basement at the next moment. Not a bad thing, but, it seems a little rushed. Throw in a little bit more filler to draw progress smoothly.
Also! I'm a little confused here:
"No, it's been a while since I've dated." He answered. Margaret give a glare toward Emily. "She's a child... Children lie." Emily thought to herself.
Who's thinking to themselves? 
Aaand, lastly, I'd say to try and make dialogue a little more natural. The characters all seem tense-- and while that's not entirely bad, I'd like to see a little more conversation even if it's all pretend. 
Good work. I like your style, Logan. You're pretty good already.
June
She killed him. Whenever I update it again I'll make sure it's a bit obvious. I think I'm going to make her some type of mass murderer or serial killer... Thank you two for reviewing.
I like this piece. Send me a PM when you post the second part of it please!! But anyways I'm a little confused..did she kill him or is she just like torturing him for some kind of revenge?? Overall terrific. Mistakes have been pointed out.
"Back to square one," the skinny, blond girl commented
She wondered why she had kept up with him for two years, two long, miserable years. Finally, the girl had put an end to it.
This is a bit redundant. You already say that he is at work all the time, so we know he is practically ever home. Have some trust in your readers to assume this.and never was home to take care of the children or to check up on his own wife.
When you write, read over it and try to comb out things that seem to repeat itself. (But with different words.) This way, it'll make the reading more enjoyable. The girl kept ranting
There hehas
tied and attached to an old, blood stained bed.
While Locking the basement door on her way out, the phone rang.
Without it, it's a fragment. Imagine saying it aloud to someone...it wouldn't make sense without "While", or some other word. 
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