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Back to Square One. (2)



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Sun Nov 15, 2009 11:26 pm
xLogan says...



View part one here.
View part three here.

The food arrived - Emily's popcorn shrimp, Margaret's lobster, and Dan's snow crab. They all began eating. "So, Dan, where is Emily's mother?" Margaret asked.

"Sadly, she died when Emily was just a baby - Emily barely got to know her. She died of breast cancer, it was horrible. Her name was Carla, I have a few pictures back at the house if you want to see 'em?"

"Uh, sorry that happened. I wouldn't mind seeing pictures, I can just see Emily growing up without a mother, like me. I didn't have a mother or a father, they put me up for adoption. Actually - more like just rang some stranger's doorbell and ran off, leaving me on the front porch. I don't care to meet them, when I was a kid I stayed at so many houses; I've never really had a mom or dad. When I was sixteen I ran off and stayed at my friend's house while I worked part time. Afterward, I went to college.. God, I hated college. So much work - I got a Ph.D in the science field. Then I worked as a teacher for a while until I quit. Now I'm a doctor part-time."

"Really? That's sad that you had to put up with that; I've never wanted to be a teacher. I'm a director - though I think you already knew that," he said with a smile on his face.

For a while it was silent, they were eating and Margaret was people watching, she had her eye on a couple that just walked in. It was an older man, he had a nice tuxedo on with a woman at his side, and she was young. The woman had a mini skirt on and a very small top; Margaret was making sure nobody noticed her. She was always paranoid.

"Mmm," Dan commented as he ate lobster.

Margaret chuckled a bit. Everyone was eating now, they waited for the waitress..

"Is everyone done eating? Dessert time?" The waitress asked.

"No - no dessert." Margaret answered quickly - she wanted to get out, and now. Her paranoia was becoming overwhelming and she couldn't stand it one more bit.

Emily looked at her, a bit disappointed. "But dad!" She objected.

"No, Emily, she's right. It's getting a bit late..." He answered, looking at his watch on his wrist, "It's 9 o' clock."

Emily looked at Margaret's half-empty plate. Emily wondered why she wanted no dessert and barely ate. She was tempted to ask Margaret why she didn't eat much but was a bit afraid from the incident in the bathroom and didn't like Margaret in general.

They left after paying for their meal, Dan opened up the door for Margaret and Emily. "Thank you," Margaret said. "Just act natural..." Margaret thought to herself.

Dan started his quiet Hybrid and drove off, headed towards his house. The car was all leather interior, it was nice and quiet. Margaret wondered how much it had cost him to buy it. She had a peculiar expression on her face - her smile was a tad bit off.

"Dad! Look at the dog!" Emily pointed at a little puppy Rottweiler in front of a white-paneled house. Her face was pressed against the window; Emily loved dogs.

"Shut up..." Margaret was thinking to herself, she almost said it. Children often annoyed Margaret. She had always had a short temper. Especially that one, particular night.

*

Margaret just got finished putting her children to bed when Michael busted into the house - a bit drunk. She ran to the front door, "Michael?" She asked as she smelt his breathe. He had been drinking, she smelt the booze on his breathe.

Michael leaned in and gave her a big, wet, sloppy smooch. She pushed him off of her into the kitchen counter but he kept leaning in. "Michael! Get off of me, the children are trying to sleep," she hissed.

"Hon, j-just relax." He said, unaware of what he was doing.

She tried to push him off but he just wouldn't get off of her, finally she smacked him across his mouth. "Get off of me now!" She yelled. He backed off and hit her in the cheek. Margaret gasped, surprised. Michael had never hit her before.

"I-I said r-relax!" He roared, pushing her back. Margaret was sick of him, never being home to take car of her or the children, always coming home late at night never wanting to talk about his day and just never in a good mood. Her children were sick of it and they began to dislike him. She had to put an end to her misery.

Margaret glanced at the knife drawer just a few feet away from her. She ran to the drawer and pulled out a butcher knife. "What the hell?" Michael asked.

"I'm sick of you, Michael." She said as she plunged the knife into his chest repeatedly - Michael didn't have enough time to even scream. She opened up the old, wooden door leading to the basement and dragged his dead body down the ancient basement steps. Once she got him in the basement she tried to catch her breath - it was a lot of work for her.

Margaret walked back up the stairs and got a few paper towels and cleaned up the puddle of blood on the floor; she was wondering what she had just done. Now, she had to make something up to their children, tell them they got a divorce and never speak of it again.

A huge weight was lifted off of her shoulders. She threw the red paper towels in the trashcan. Margaret walked back down the creaking steps leading to the basement. She looked at the deep puncture wounds in her husbands chest. Margaret managed to get Michael's body on the bed that they long ago abandoned down there. She kept it down there along with a TV and a couch - hoping to revamp it into a den area but that wasn't going to happen now.

She searched through the storage closet in the basement. It was cramped with old clothing, cell phone chargers, anything you could think of. Margaret found some rope and tied Michael's legs and arms to the bed. Sitting down next to the bed, Margaret began to cry.

"What kind of monster have I turned into?! I can't even recognize myself anymore..." She let a long sigh escape from her mouth. "I better not wake the children."

Margaret locked the basement door on her way out and promised herself not to ever speak of this. It must remain a secret.

*

"Margaret?" Dan asked while shaking her body, he was outside of the car trying to wake her up. Emily was behind her, a bit worried.

"Huh? Oh, sorry..." She said, totally oblivious that she had fallen asleep.

Dan put out his hand and Margaret just helped herself out of the car. "I - uh, better be getting home."

"You could crash here if you want, you seem a bit sleepy," Dan said with a welcoming smile.

"No, I'm alright." Margaret answered and waved goodbye to Emily and Dan on her way to her car. She drove off in a hurry to get home. "Finally on my way home." She said.
Last edited by xLogan on Tue Nov 24, 2009 4:48 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Tue Nov 17, 2009 4:42 am
Fruits_Basket99Tohru says...



Hi, it's SiSi again, here to do a review. You certainly have an interesting story... :)

To begin:
"Sadly, she died when Emily was just a baby - Emily never got the chance to meet her.


This sentence contradicts itself--if Emily was already born when her mom died, then Emily did indeed meet her mom. Do you mean her mom died right after giving birth to her?

I've been to so many houses when I was a kid


This clause sounds awkward. Instead, you might consider saying: 'I went to so many houses when I was a kid;' and also, was she just taken care of in private family homes, or was she also sent to adoption centers from time to time?

"Uh, sorry that happened. I wouldn't mind seeing pictures, I can just see Emily growing up without a mother, like me. I didn't have a mother or a father, they put me up for adoption. Actually - more like just rang some stranger's doorbell and ran off, leaving me on the front porch. I don't care to meet them, I've been to so many houses when I was a kid; I've never really had a mom or dad. When I was sixteen I ran off and stayed at my friend's house while I worked part time. Afterward, I went to college.. God, I hated college. So much work - I got a Ph.D in the science field. Then I worked as a teacher for a while until I quit. Now I'm a doctor part-time."


This paragraph is a little awkward. Some of the punctuation is shaky, and Margaret seems to just ramble on and on. She seems a little tense in her choice of words. Did you do that purposely?...

xLogan wrote:For a while it was silent, they were eating and Margaret was people watching, she had her eye one a couple that just walked in. It was an older man, he had a nice tuxedo on with a woman at his side, she was young. She had a mini skirt on and half of a shirt; Margaret was making sure nobody noticed her. She was always paranoid.


I think this section could use a little work. Again, you might want to fix some of your punctuation so that the reader can more easily follow what you're saying. And are you going to make a part 3? Because I'm really curious as to why Margaret is watching this couple that comes in.

Also, your scene divider helped somewhat, but I still got a little confused on what you were talking about. Consider using a different verb tense: 'Margaret had just finished putting the children to bed...'

She through the red paper towels in the trashcan.


threw

Oh yeah! I had a quick question...if Margaret had stabbed her husband so many times and totally mutilated his body, then why would she attach him to the bed...?

And for the last critiscism remark--could you please rate your story to 12+? Because you use a bad word in your story, and you also have some violence inappropriate for kids under age 12.

OK, on to the good stuff! :)

Your story was very exciting--I didn't dare stop reading until the end. And I did like how you answered some of the questions from part 1, but also left your readers hanging for the next part. Nice cliffhanger. :D

Overall, it was a good story, but it still needs some work. OK, please let me know of any updates! :)
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

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Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:09 pm
xLogan says...



I updated most of the stuff you posted, and thanks! Yes, I will definitely be making a third part. I can't even wait until I start writing it. :roll: Haha.

Thanks for reviewing this and Margaret was put up for adoption many times, that's what I meant by many houses. :smt002
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Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:29 pm
Juniper says...



Hey Logan, June here,

This is good! As far as story goes, you should know that you've got me hooked. ;)

There's nothing major here to talk about. Your sentences could be a bit more fluent, could use a bit more punctuation. For the sake of me not nitpicking, I won't point them out here, but if you want me to point them out, leave a note on my guestbook, and I will.

But, yeah... I'm wondering why she felt the need to tie him to the bed? That's a little weird, in some ways. Also, pay attention to pacing and realism, Logan. You make it seem super easy how she got the body down there, and even cleaning up. Marge is a scary character, haha. She seems coldblooded. :D

Can't wait for more,

June!
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Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:34 pm
skingsaptpupil says...



Hey! Really interesting story. I'm interested to know if there is going to be part 3.
I just have to point out a couple things: It is confusing when you put the characters thoughts in there as regular quotations. It makes more sense when direct thoughts are put in italics. I kept thinking that Margaret was saying her horrible thoughts out loud until after the quote when it said she thought it. Also, when it had the flashback of Margaret killing Michael (I'm guessing it was a flashback), I found myself a little lost because you just seemed to jump right into it. Maybe make some kind of transition or mention that this is a flashback. Anyway, I really like this story. Please write more!
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Tue Nov 17, 2009 11:17 pm
xLogan says...



Thanks June and Sking!

There is going to be a third part and yes that was a flashback. Good idea about putting it in italics - I'll edit all of that once I get the time (have to go soon,) and thanks for reviewing you two. :)
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Wed Nov 18, 2009 2:54 am
ToritheMonster says...



woah... creepy. Needs some work, but overall entertaining.
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Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:53 pm
AquaMarine says...



Hey there! Here to review the second part.

Nitpicks:

"Uh, sorry that happened. I wouldn't mind seeing pictures, I can just see Emily growing up without a mother, like me. I didn't have a mother or a father, they put me up for adoption. Actually - more like just rang some stranger's doorbell and ran off, leaving me on the front porch. I don't care to meet them, when I was a kid I stayed at so many houses; I've never really had a mom or dad. When I was sixteen I ran off and stayed at my friend's house while I worked part time. Afterward, I went to college.. God, I hated college. So much work - I got a Ph.D in the science field. Then I worked as a teacher for a while until I quit. Now I'm a doctor part-time."

Ok, woah. This is an overload of information here. Being realistic, it doesn't seem like someone would actually give out that much of their life story in just one speech. Sure, it could come out with someone asking gentle questions or something, but this feels like a total info dump that the reader could do without. We want to know that information, but give it to them in parts.

The woman had a mini skirt on and a very small top; Margaret was making sure nobody noticed her. She was always paranoid.

Those two pieces of information don't seem very connected somehow. You have the woman's clothing and then you have Maragret's paranoia. Perhaps you could seperate them out and expand on the paranoid part more?

Margaret chuckled a bit. Everyone was eating now, they waited for the waitress..

Surely if everyone is eating then they wouldn't be waiting for the waitress? It all seems to be happening a little quickly now.

Her paranoia was becoming overwhelming and she couldn't stand it one more bit.

So, I like the idea of her being paranoid in the resteraunt and all but I feel that it would be a lot better if you showed the reader this instead of simply saying it. You do that quite well by her not wanting dessert, but you should also use her body language to show how nervous/paranoid she's feeling. For instance, you could have her fingers tapping on the table, her eyes darting quickly, she could be gulping or breathing quicker than normal. There are so many things that you can do with this that it seems a shame to simply skip over it.

Margaret glanced at the knife drawer just a few feet away from her. She ran to the drawer and pulled out a butcher knife. "What the hell?" Michael asked.

I'd quite like some more emotion from Michael here. Again, how he reacts (his body!) would be nice.


Overall:
Wow! Like others have said this story is definitely getting my interest now. I want to know where it is going and what's going to happen with it. Well done for doing that, sometimes these types of stories can just flop slightly.
What I think you need to work on is developing your characters and their emotions more. You might want to go into more detail about the way everyone reacts together; simply telling us that someone is looking scared just isn’t enough. You want to describe everything. To quote an age old motto of English teachers: “Show, don’t tell!”
As annoying and repetitive as that may sound, it is definitely something that will bring a little extra something to your story.

But well done, it was a really nice piece!

~Amy
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Fri Nov 20, 2009 1:40 pm
MissMiaFacinelli says...



Hey! So, here I am, ready to review part two!

OK, overall, this story is pretty OK. Not really my kind of genre, but I can deal with it. I'm not entirely sure where this story is going - it just kind of rambles.

A few nit-picks again, but less than before. I'll try to stick to spelling and grammar nit-picks!

xLogan wrote:Her name was Carla, I have a few pictures back at the house if you want to see 'em?"


The "'em" is slightly out of character. Also, why is he offering to show her pictures of his dead wife?

"Uh, sorry that happened. I wouldn't mind seeing pictures, I can just see Emily growing up without a mother, like me.


He just told her his wife died and all she can say is "Uh, sorry"? Maybe you could develop it a bit. Also, agreeing to see afore mentioned pictures is a little bit creepy. Would you want to see pictures of the guy (or girl) you were dating's dead spouse?

For a while it was silent, they were eating and Margaret was people watching, she had her eye on a couple that just walked in. It was an older man, he had a nice tuxedo on with a woman at his side, and she was young. The woman had a mini skirt on and a very small top; Margaret was making sure nobody noticed her. She was always paranoid.


These sentences are a bit long-winded and run-on-ish. Try:

For a while it was silent, they focused on eating. Margaret was people watching. She had her eye on a couple that just walked in. It was an older man, he had a smart tuxedo on. There was a young woman at his side. She had a mini skirt on and a very small top.

Margaret was making sure nobody noticed her. She was always paranoid.


Margaret making sure nobody noticed her has nothing to do with this couple, which is why it's a new line. Perhaps you should cut the couple out? Or give less detail?


Margaret chuckled a bit. Everyone was eating now, they waited for the waitress..


Why are there two full stops after the word "waitress"? Is it meant to be an ellipse (...) or is it a typo?

Emily looked at her, a bit disappointed. "But dad!" She objected.


"dad" should be "Dad"

"Shut up..." Margaret was thinking to herself, she almost said it. Children often annoyed Margaret. She had always had a short temper. Especially that one, particular night.


Hold on! Children annoy her, but she has them? That doesn't make sense!

Also, you don't need "one" and "particular"


Margaret just got finished putting her children to bed when Michael busted into the house - a bit drunk. She ran to the front door, "Michael?" She asked as she smelt his breathe. He had been drinking, she smelt the booze on his breathe.


"Breathe" means "to breathe" - eg "I need to breathe to live." You mean "breath" - eg "I was very short of breath"

Overall, however, good job.

Keep writing!

Mia x
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Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:49 pm
xLogan says...



MissMiaFacinelli wrote:Hey! So, here I am, ready to review part two!

OK, overall, this story is pretty OK. Not really my kind of genre, but I can deal with it. I'm not entirely sure where this story is going - it just kind of rambles.

A few nit-picks again, but less than before. I'll try to stick to spelling and grammar nit-picks!

xLogan wrote:Her name was Carla, I have a few pictures back at the house if you want to see 'em?"


The "'em" is slightly out of character. Also, why is he offering to show her pictures of his dead wife?

"Uh, sorry that happened. I wouldn't mind seeing pictures, I can just see Emily growing up without a mother, like me.


He just told her his wife died and all she can say is "Uh, sorry"? Maybe you could develop it a bit. Also, agreeing to see afore mentioned pictures is a little bit creepy. Would you want to see pictures of the guy (or girl) you were dating's dead spouse?

For a while it was silent, they were eating and Margaret was people watching, she had her eye on a couple that just walked in. It was an older man, he had a nice tuxedo on with a woman at his side, and she was young. The woman had a mini skirt on and a very small top; Margaret was making sure nobody noticed her. She was always paranoid.


These sentences are a bit long-winded and run-on-ish. Try:

For a while it was silent, they focused on eating. Margaret was people watching. She had her eye on a couple that just walked in. It was an older man, he had a smart tuxedo on. There was a young woman at his side. She had a mini skirt on and a very small top.

Margaret was making sure nobody noticed her. She was always paranoid.


Margaret making sure nobody noticed her has nothing to do with this couple, which is why it's a new line. Perhaps you should cut the couple out? Or give less detail?


Margaret chuckled a bit. Everyone was eating now, they waited for the waitress..


Why are there two full stops after the word "waitress"? Is it meant to be an ellipse (...) or is it a typo?

Emily looked at her, a bit disappointed. "But dad!" She objected.


"dad" should be "Dad"

"Shut up..." Margaret was thinking to herself, she almost said it. Children often annoyed Margaret. She had always had a short temper. Especially that one, particular night.


Hold on! Children annoy her, but she has them? That doesn't make sense!

Also, you don't need "one" and "particular"


Margaret just got finished putting her children to bed when Michael busted into the house - a bit drunk. She ran to the front door, "Michael?" She asked as she smelt his breathe. He had been drinking, she smelt the booze on his breathe.


"Breathe" means "to breathe" - eg "I need to breathe to live." You mean "breath" - eg "I was very short of breath"

Overall, however, good job.

Keep writing!

Mia x


Thanks for reviewing - but one thing is that when Margaret wanted to see her photo remember that Margaret is a creepy person in general. :smt005 :P
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Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:16 pm
Evi says...



Hey Logan! Sorry for the epic lateness of this review.

So! Short segment, short review.

I think the biggest thing you need to work on is your dialogue, and the way your conversation flows. You have a really nice rhythm for most of the piece, but I can't help feeling like your conversations are sounding forced. I might've said it last time, but I'll say it again; the conversations are unfolding like you're trying to steer them in a certain direction, to end on a certain topic. This makes it seem less natural. I think if you let the scene develop a bit more loosely and easily-- and describe the dinner in more detail, adding some of Margaret's thoughts and emotions --your dialogue wouldn't sound as contrived. ^^

Also, Margaret is creepily unaffected by what she's done. Either (a) she's insane, and doesn't care, or (b) she just had a momentary crazy outbreak, and she's horrified at what she's done. You've really got to pick one of them. If you're going to play towards the angle that she's not all that disturbed by it, which seems like what you're doing, perhaps try to make Margaret seem even creepier. Add that bit of insanity, because, really, no one in their right mind could do such a thing. ;)

Besides that, work on semi-colons. I think I already linked to my tutorial in the Knowledge Base, but if that doesn't help then I'm sure you can Google semi-colons to see how to use them. You're using a lot of commas in place of them. For example:

She died of breast cancer, it was horrible.


That comma needs to be a semi-colon (;) because both phrases on each side of the punctuation are full sentences with subjects and verbs.

Good job! ^^
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Wed Nov 25, 2009 10:45 pm
SashaandCale says...



Don't worry this is going to be a short and simple review,

I for one loved part three I thought it was the most interesting out of the three. I would love to keep reading on and on. I have so many questions that are yet to be answered. Such as...Will she get caught? How many more people is she going to kill? Will Emily and Dan figure out her secret?
Yet I only have a few criticisms.
When you say...
"She ran to the front door, "Michael?" She asked as she smelt his breathe. He had been drinking, she smelt the booze on his breathe."


It should be something like...
"She ran to the front door, "Michael?" She asked as she smelt his breath. He had been drinking, she smelt the booze."
Because when you repeat the same thing over again one sentence after another it doesn't sound right. Re-read it again maybe that will help in noticing.

In some parts of the story there were odd sentences that were repeated. I think everybody else covered everything I was going to say. Other than that it was a great and entertaining story. I would really love to read part four if you do decide to make one.

Sincerely with love,
-Michelle.
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