z

Young Writers Society


12+

Kevin and Shoko - Chapter 1

by GLaDOS


“Shoko, open the door!” Kevin yelled, distracted from the fact that Shoko’s father was probably asleep in bed.

Shoko’s father, Hinata, was always disapproving of Kevin and her crazy antics. Kevin was shy when you first met her, but she was a true daredevil once you knew her well enough. Shoko liked to describe Kevin as “adorable.” Kevin was always rebelling against things and wanting to put up a fight for what she believed in, and Shoko thought it was cute.

Yes, Kevin was biologically female, oddly enough, but she liked her name her parents first gave her, so she kept it.

Shoko soon opened the door, her silky black hair tied up in a bun and bouncing as she stepped out onto the patio to greet Kevin. Kevin wrapped her arm around Shoko’s shoulder in a lazy hug.

Kevin had dirty blonde, and extremely long, messy hair, which she always let hang out. But Shoko, on the other hand, usually kept it up, as not to attract any unwanted “predators.” Shoko wasn’t interested in relationships, she simply wanted to do her writing and occasionally go on a little adventure with her good friend.

Kevin and Shoko weren’t very alike, but they worked well together as a team. Shoko was the brain, and Kevin was the brawn. They took their opposite parts and made them whole, like the Ying Yang itself. Without the other side, balance would be lost. They were honestly like a married couple, they always wanted to be together.

They would run around in the forest, play music, draw sketches of each other, and everything in between.

“So, did I wake Grumpy?” Which was the nickname Kevin gave to Hinata.

Shoko shook her head slightly, and placed a palm on Kevin’s back, leading her forward. They walked down the street, Kevin’s arm over Shoko’s shoulder, looking like a couple of lesbians.

“Where are we headed?” Kevin eyed Shoko with a grin.

“Uhm, forest.” Shoko responded with a little nod in the direction of the forest.

The forest was close by, which is why they went there so much. They would ride down on skateboards or rollerblades, or simply walk together.

“Wanna go poke around in that ditch we saw yesterday?” Kevin chuckled to Shoko.

“Every time we check out that ditch it gets deeper and deeper.” Shoko made a few hand gestures as she spoke.

“Your mom.” Kevin guffawed in a not-so-subtle way.

“Ugh.” Shoko gave Kevin a dirty look.

Kevin rolled her eyes and pointed towards the colossal forest before them. Shoko rested her head on Kevin’s shoulder and let out a sigh.

“You’re stupid.” Kevin told her.

“Your mom.” Shoko laughed and poked Kevin’s stomach repeatedly. “Zing!”

Kevin jokingly slapped her hand away and forcefully pushed her into the entrance of endless timberland. Shoko gave her a fake shocked look and gave Kevin a knee to the butt.

The forest floor was covered in autumn leaves and fallen acorns. There were many redwood trees throughout the forest as well as a few tiny mushrooms covering the forest floor.

They both walked together, hands in pockets, through the forest. They soon came upon the ditch they had spoken about, and Shoko studied it momentarily.

“I told you. It gets deeper and deeper every day!” Shoko said with a curious tone.

“And so does your—" Shoko cut Kevin off.

“Save it.” Shoko narrowed her eyebrows.

It was so quiet and serene in the forest. You could almost hear an acorn drop. So Shoko and Kevin lied down on the leafy forest floor, and looked up at the sky. They admired the tall redwood trees and fluffy white clouds. They spotted clouds together and explained what each cloud looked like, but they could never see the same picture.

“No it doesn’t.” Shoko said with a dumb grin plastered onto her face.

“Yes it does! There are the ears and the tail!” Kevin explained as she pointed at the features she saw.

As they were headed back to the entrance, Shoko whipped around to face Kevin, walking backward and not watching where she was going. They talked for a little while until they came upon that same ditch.

“Shoko watch out—!” Kevin yelled to Shoko.

But Shoko had already fallen into what used to be the ditch. But it was now a gaping hole in the ground. Kevin yelped and jumped in after Shoko. Kevin didn’t want to be on this planet without her best friend.

They were falling down the gaping hole, and eventually Kevin caught up with Shoko, and they were falling together. They kept screaming all the way down, until they eventually realized that they had been falling for about five minutes.

“So…” Shoko began, “This is fun.”


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565 Reviews


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Fri Oct 09, 2015 10:10 pm
Stori says...



Hi, it's me. I'd like to go over your work in the interest of improving it.

Shoko’s father, Hinata, was always disapproving of Kevin and her crazy antics. Kevin was shy when you first met her, but she was a true daredevil once you knew her well enough. Shoko liked to describe Kevin as “adorable.” Kevin was always rebelling against things and wanting to put up a fight for what she believed in, and Shoko thought it was cute.


A'right, so seeing as there are several things of note in this paragraph, I'm gonna tackle them all at once. First up, I feel as if the first sentence could be rephrased. You could also stand to elaborate, perhaps by saying he thought Kevin's antics reflected badly on the family honor.

Since there are only two main characters, you don't have to keep using their names. For instance, in sentence three you could replace "Kevin" with "her friend" and we'll know what you mean.

Yes, Kevin was biologically female, oddly enough, but she liked her name her parents first gave her, so she kept it.


This could use overhauling. I'm thinking maybe "Yes, Kevin was biologically female, but..." I'm not sure what you're trying to say is odd, so do with that part what you will.

Shoko soon opened the door,


Such a bland phrase, young grasshopper. (I'm done joking now.) Show us how she opens the door- softly because her father is a light sleeper, or carelessly because he's dead to the world?

Kevin had dirty blonde, and extremely long, messy hair, which she always let hang out.


"Kevin had extremely long dirty-blonde hair, which she always kept in a sloppy ponytail." Or you can rewrite it your own way; this is just a suggestion. Just please don't leave it as is.

Shoko wasn’t interested in relationships,


The comma should be a semicolon. It joins independent clauses and other grammatical... stuff.

Kevin and Shoko weren’t very alike, but they worked well together as a team.


Instead of stating that they worked well together, now would be a good time to describe a specific event where they worked as a team. It doesn't have to be long, but as the saying goes, "show, don't tell."

“You’re stupid.” Kevin told her.


When you read it aloud, does this section sound like two different sentences? Usually a comma does the job just fine.

I think I'm supposed to make some noises about what I liked or disliked in your chapter. Here goes.

You've stated that one of the girls isn't interested in romance, but they seem to touch each other all the time. How old are they? Say what you like, but to the average American reader I think there will seem to be romantic connotations- especially since we see one girl nudge the other in the butt.

That's not a bad thing; you might even show us through the course of your novel that two people can touch each other often and not be in a "relationship". (On the other hand, it might spoil the fun if you consciously tried to do that while writing. It's your call.)

Were you trying to give out an Alice in Wonderland vibe at the end of this chapter? Whether or not, it seems to point to interesting times ahead. I'll be following Kevin and Shoko's exploits from now on.




User avatar
565 Reviews


Points: 1395
Reviews: 565

Donate
Fri Oct 09, 2015 10:09 pm
Stori says...



Hi, it's me. I'd like to go over your work in the interest of improving it.

Shoko’s father, Hinata, was always disapproving of Kevin and her crazy antics. Kevin was shy when you first met her, but she was a true daredevil once you knew her well enough. Shoko liked to describe Kevin as “adorable.” Kevin was always rebelling against things and wanting to put up a fight for what she believed in, and Shoko thought it was cute.


A'right, so seeing as there are several things of note in this paragraph, I'm gonna tackle them all at once. First up, I feel as if the first sentence could be rephrased. You could also stand to elaborate, perhaps by saying he thought Kevin's antics reflected badly on the family honor.

Since there are only two main characters, you don't have to keep using their names. For instance, in sentence three you could replace "Kevin" with "her friend" and we'll know what you mean.

Yes, Kevin was biologically female, oddly enough, but she liked her name her parents first gave her, so she kept it.


This could use overhauling. I'm thinking maybe "Yes, Kevin was biologically female, but..." I'm not sure what you're trying to say is odd, so do with that part what you will.

Shoko soon opened the door,


Such a bland phrase, young grasshopper. (I'm done joking now.) Show us how she opens the door- softly because her father is a light sleeper, or carelessly because he's dead to the world?

Kevin had dirty blonde, and extremely long, messy hair, which she always let hang out.


"Kevin had extremely long dirty-blonde hair, which she always kept in a sloppy ponytail." Or you can rewrite it your own way; this is just a suggestion. Just please don't leave it as is.

Shoko wasn’t interested in relationships,


The comma should be a semicolon. It joins independent clauses and other grammatical... stuff.

Kevin and Shoko weren’t very alike, but they worked well together as a team.


Instead of stating that they worked well together, now would be a good time to describe a specific event where they worked as a team. It doesn't have to be long, but as the saying goes, "show, don't tell."

“You’re stupid.” Kevin told her.


When you read it aloud, does this section sound like two different sentences? Usually a comma does the job just fine.

I think I'm supposed to make some noises about what I liked or disliked in your chapter. Here goes.

You've stated that one of the girls isn't interested in romance, but they seem to touch each other all the time. How old are they? Say what you like, but to the average American reader I think there will seem to be romantic connotations- especially since we see one girl nudge the other in the butt.

That's not a bad thing; you might even show us through the course of your novel that two people can touch each other often and not be in a "relationship". (On the other hand, it might spoil the fun if you consciously tried to do that while writing. It's your call.)

Were you trying to give out an Alice in Wonderland vibe at the end of this chapter? Whether or not, it seems to point to interesting times ahead. I'll be following Kevin and Shoko's exploits from now on.




User avatar
565 Reviews


Points: 1395
Reviews: 565

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Fri Oct 09, 2015 10:06 pm
Stori wrote a review...



Hi, it's me. I'd like to go over your work in the interest of improving it.

Shoko’s father, Hinata, was always disapproving of Kevin and her crazy antics. Kevin was shy when you first met her, but she was a true daredevil once you knew her well enough. Shoko liked to describe Kevin as “adorable.” Kevin was always rebelling against things and wanting to put up a fight for what she believed in, and Shoko thought it was cute.


A'right, so seeing as there are several things of note in this paragraph, I'm gonna tackle them all at once. First up, I feel as if the first sentence could be rephrased. You could also stand to elaborate, perhaps by saying he thought Kevin's antics reflected badly on the family honor.

Since there are only two main characters, you don't have to keep using their names. For instance, in sentence three you could replace "Kevin" with "her friend" and we'll know what you mean.

Yes, Kevin was biologically female, oddly enough, but she liked her name her parents first gave her, so she kept it.


This could use overhauling. I'm thinking maybe "Yes, Kevin was biologically female, but..." I'm not sure what you're trying to say is odd, so do with that part what you will.

Shoko soon opened the door,


Such a bland phrase, young grasshopper. (I'm done joking now.) Show us how she opens the door- softly because her father is a light sleeper, or carelessly because he's dead to the world?

Kevin had dirty blonde, and extremely long, messy hair, which she always let hang out.


"Kevin had extremely long dirty-blonde hair, which she always kept in a sloppy ponytail." Or you can rewrite it your own way; this is just a suggestion. Just please don't leave it as is.

Shoko wasn’t interested in relationships,


The comma should be a semicolon. It joins independent clauses and other grammatical... stuff.

Kevin and Shoko weren’t very alike, but they worked well together as a team.


Instead of stating that they worked well together, now would be a good time to describe a specific event where they worked as a team. It doesn't have to be long, but as the saying goes, "show, don't tell."

“You’re stupid.” Kevin told her.


When you read it aloud, does this section sound like two different sentences? Usually a comma does the job just fine.

I think I'm supposed to make some noises about what I liked or disliked in your chapter. Here goes.

You've stated that one of the girls isn't interested in romance, but they seem to touch each other all the time. How old are they? Say what you like, but to the average American reader I think there will seem to be romantic connotations- especially since we see one girl nudge the other in the butt.

That's not a bad thing; you might even show us through the course of your novel that two people can touch each other often and not be in a "relationship". (On the other hand, it might spoil the fun if you consciously tried to do that while writing. It's your call.)

Were you trying to give out an Alice in Wonderland vibe at the end of this chapter? Whether or not, it seems to point to interesting times ahead. I'll be following Kevin and Shoko's exploits from now on.




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Tue Sep 29, 2015 12:22 am
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey, xJupiter! I'm excited to see that you posted this! I'm going to try and focus on this alone, and not compare it to Paper Planes. Anyways, onto...


#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> I'm just going to briefly mention that I think this has just as much pontential and maybe even more as Paper Planes did when it first started.
Paper Planes was amazing, and I can already see from it and is this how much you've grown as writer. Paper Planes had a strong first chapter, but this feels even stronger. Okay, enough with the comparisons, I'm sure they get a tad obnoxious. Onto this story by itself~
I. I think I'm going to have to agree with RagingLive about the title of this. I know you've got a very creative mind that could up with something that may be a tad bit better. The current title is ok, don't get me wrong, it could just me more eye-catching, ya know? If I was browsing a shelf at a bookstore, I'm not sure if this title would catch my eye. Of course this is just personal preference, and the title would be fine staying like it is.
II. You've gotten a lot better with your pacing! This didn't feel nearly as rushed. :)
III. The ending is a tad bit abrupt, but works well as a cliffhanger. My only thought is to ease your way into Kevin going into the hole, and catching up with Shoko. Right now it's kinda *BOOM, Shoko is in the hole* *BOOM, Kevin goes in* *BOOM, Kevin has caught up with Shoko.* Like with fireworks, you've got to give us a bit (maybe even just one or two sentences) before the next one. This is only a personal preference, so feel free to ignore it.


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> You've done a really good job with your characters in this, and they were introduced very well. I feel like I've known them for a while, so great job on this!


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> N/A


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 "> I think RagingLive pointed out the ones I noticed already, haha. :)


Have a great day!

~Myth




xJupiter says...


Thanks Mythie! Glad you came to check out another novel. <3 <3 <3


Random avatar


No, thank you for writing this and posting it! I always enjoy reading your work!



xJupiter says...


UGH, you're so nice.


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OMG chapter 2 is out! I'll have to read it later today. I officially hate schoolwork/homework. Always manages to keep me away from the fun stuff, haha. And Thank You! But trust me, you're a lot nicer than I am. I can get harsh at times, haha. :)



xJupiter says...


Well, you can be nice by being mean in some cases, especially in reviewing. And I can be harsh too, but I'm just really appreciative that you've been reading my work!



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Mon Sep 28, 2015 10:59 pm
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RagingLive wrote a review...



Yodel! RagingLive here to review chapter one of your new novel! :D

I'm so incredibly excited, so please, please, please, let's get started!!
To start, I think that your title could have been a bit more colorful. As it is now, it just looks like another novel with the title being that of it's two main characters. There is nothing wrong with this, of course. It just lacks the imagination I've seen you display previously.

Kevin was shy when you first met her, but she was a true daredevil once you knew her well enough.

I think I'm going to like this girl very much! Not only do we share a bond with the fact that we both have 'boys' names, but the above sentence describes me perfectly!

“So, did I wake Grumpy?” Which was the nickname Kevin gave to Hinata.

The sentence following the dialogue doesn't sound very natural and is a bit hard to read. I would rephrase saying something like:
"'So, did I wake Grumpy?" Kevin teased, using the nickname she had given Hinata.'
Or you could say 'asked' instead of 'teased' or one of the many other synonyms.

“And so does your—“ Shoko cut Kevin off.

Don't forget my cheat for keeping the quotation mark turned the right way!

They talked for a little while until they cam upon that same ditch.

'Came' not 'cam'. ;)

You definitely piqued my interest on this one! Please tag me again!

Keep writing and keep on smiling!! :D
~RagingLive




xJupiter says...


Thanks, Rage! I'm trying to make this series better than Paper Planes, but I'm not sure if it's possible! AGH!




"If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi