Hi, it's me. I'd like to go over your work in the interest of improving it.
Shoko’s father, Hinata, was always disapproving of Kevin and her crazy antics. Kevin was shy when you first met her, but she was a true daredevil once you knew her well enough. Shoko liked to describe Kevin as “adorable.” Kevin was always rebelling against things and wanting to put up a fight for what she believed in, and Shoko thought it was cute.
A'right, so seeing as there are several things of note in this paragraph, I'm gonna tackle them all at once. First up, I feel as if the first sentence could be rephrased. You could also stand to elaborate, perhaps by saying he thought Kevin's antics reflected badly on the family honor.
Since there are only two main characters, you don't have to keep using their names. For instance, in sentence three you could replace "Kevin" with "her friend" and we'll know what you mean.
Yes, Kevin was biologically female, oddly enough, but she liked her name her parents first gave her, so she kept it.
This could use overhauling. I'm thinking maybe "Yes, Kevin was biologically female, but..." I'm not sure what you're trying to say is odd, so do with that part what you will.
Shoko soon opened the door,
Such a bland phrase, young grasshopper. (I'm done joking now.) Show us how she opens the door- softly because her father is a light sleeper, or carelessly because he's dead to the world?
Kevin had dirty blonde, and extremely long, messy hair, which she always let hang out.
"Kevin had extremely long dirty-blonde hair, which she always kept in a sloppy ponytail." Or you can rewrite it your own way; this is just a suggestion. Just please don't leave it as is.
Shoko wasn’t interested in relationships,
The comma should be a semicolon. It joins independent clauses and other grammatical... stuff.
Kevin and Shoko weren’t very alike, but they worked well together as a team.
Instead of stating that they worked well together, now would be a good time to describe a specific event where they worked as a team. It doesn't have to be long, but as the saying goes, "show, don't tell."
“You’re stupid.” Kevin told her.
When you read it aloud, does this section sound like two different sentences? Usually a comma does the job just fine.
I think I'm supposed to make some noises about what I liked or disliked in your chapter. Here goes.
You've stated that one of the girls isn't interested in romance, but they seem to touch each other all the time. How old are they? Say what you like, but to the average American reader I think there will seem to be romantic connotations- especially since we see one girl nudge the other in the butt.
That's not a bad thing; you might even show us through the course of your novel that two people can touch each other often and not be in a "relationship". (On the other hand, it might spoil the fun if you consciously tried to do that while writing. It's your call.)
Were you trying to give out an Alice in Wonderland vibe at the end of this chapter? Whether or not, it seems to point to interesting times ahead. I'll be following Kevin and Shoko's exploits from now on.
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