Young Writers Society

Hey XJupiter,

So I'd like to start by saying Hello. We've seen each other a bit on chat but never in this situation, so I'm here to finally review something of yours. Woo!

Now that that's done, let's get down to business. I think you've got a good flow for this poem. It can be a little choppy at times, but overall it is very smooth and produces a good outcome.

That being said, I'm now going to provide you with a very useful link that I think you can appreciate. It's about formatting poetry here on YWS and if it doesn't make sense, it has links to other threads about how to format poetry on YWS at the bottom. One of them should help so you don't have to use ~ for stanza breaks.

How to Format Poetry

Onto the critique part of the review.

I think you need to work on what sort of story you want to tell with this poem. If you want it to be an ode you're going to need to make it a little more heroic when you talk about them. If you want to just make it a dedicated poem, you could go way more in depth about their relationship. As it stands right now, it's rather lack-luster. It's sort of like an introduction that's too wordy or a summary that's too vague.

It's too wordy for an introduction because you have things about the upcoming plot. If it's an introduction, then we'll find that out when we get there. If it's a summary, then don't bother with their names. Names don't really matter in the huge scheme of things, focus instead on what points in the plot actually prove they stick together through "it all" because "it all" just makes that line cliche and doesn't really give us a good idea about what we're supposed to be expecting for the story.

Overall, you should be able to rewrite this without any trouble. You've got a good way with flow so you're okay to just write how you want to and see how it turns out, but you need to focus more on other things, like the actual plot the narrative poem is telling us, if you actually want it to be a narrative poem, or if you want it to be a different type of poem. These decisions need to be made to get the poem more umph in whatever direction you choose, and, if you can't decide, write one for being narrative, and one for being emotional. You don't have to limit how many poems you write after all. There's nothing against writing a whole book about a couple characters.

I hope this helps,

Aley

Hello, xJupiter! RagingLive here with a review from Team Tardis! Whoo!

*Saws off chunk of month-old licorice she found in her desk drawer*
Okay, first of all, I got you message in my inbox and was like, "whoa, this is going to be good!"
So, naturally, I just had to come and review this when you posted in in the forum! This is a very good teaser and even written in the form of a poem, which I find very creative as I myself haven't seen this before! Cool idea!
I do have a few little nitpicks, though, so bear with me! Review Day is almost over!

Fairies whispering in their ears,

Eerie pathways in endless mystical lands,

A girl named Kevin,

kept her name since birth

Hey, xJ, I'm here to review your poetry today! (Wow, that rhymed. Wonderful. XD)

This is an exceptionally nice poem. It is vivid, it conveys a lot of emotions, and it's beautiful. I love the details that you display throughout it - they help me view each scene in the poem clearly, and do a wonderful job if illustrating your points. I can imagine Kevin and Shoko, each with their own particular traits and personalities. I can envision the mystical scenery around them; the northern lights and starry skies, and the mushrooms and trees, are all nicely conveyed with a variety of details that allows each to pop out in the poem. I can see the fairies, the personalities of both Kevin and Shoko, and I also love the feeling of magic and mystery that you illustrate throughout the poem. They stand, hand in hand, never letting go, loving each other deeply as, with their weapons and shields, they traverse this fantasy like land. In all, this poem is beautiful in terms of its feelings and emotions, and it flows nicely.

I'd like to point out that this poem does have one point where the flow is slightly shifted; the second line of the second stanza is a tad too long in comparison to the rest of the poem. While the other ones are usually consistent in their rhythm/beats, this one just seems to block the flow ever so slightly, as the reader spends more time reading it than with most other lines. I'd suggest shortening it to something like "Each step bringing more danger upon them," or something that would reduce the total amount of words in the line and match its flow with the rest of the poem's, thus allowing the reader to read through it easier and understand it better. Nonetheless, I love this poem, I love most everything about it, and I'm impressed. Well done!

Hey, Jupiter! Artemis here for Team Tardis!

So... I think you should have more punctuation other than just commas everywhere. Whenever you're ending a stanza, I think you should put a period or just nothing at all, instead of a comma.

Kevin and Shoko sound like a really interesting pair. They're really great friends, yeah? Loving each other and all? I would like to read your novel about it. I want to know more! They sound like me and my best friend... we both call each other idiots, but we love each other still. Ah, the joys of friends. I think you portrayed that perfectly. Nice job, Jupiter!

-Artemis28

This is an epic tribute to an upcoming novel - it got me quite interested in reading, or at least seeing fan-art for this story.

The "glowing mushrooms and turquoise trees" are exquisitely unique details, and I really liked "eerie pathways in endless mystical lands" and "northern lights and starry skies". You've got me thinking I should do a poem for some of my work, to generate interest in it.

How would you summarize your upcoming novel? That is, what's the basic plot (minimal spoilers, please)?

XD that ending, tho!

Hello! I am Waffle here to review your work! Let's see...

I am so sad that this doesn't flow well :/ I wish it did! This is the kind of poem I want to flooooooow! BECAUSE I FLOW! -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9aM9Ch97U8
AAAnyway, I don't know exactly why this GIRL'S name is Kevin. HA! Just like that minion! Darnit! I need to stop going on rabbit trails.
It looks like Kevin was trans-gender? And that this may or may not be going in a Lesbie kinda direction?


A girl named Kevin,

kept her name since birth

~

A girl named Shoko,

with green eyes and silky black hair

~

They never let go of each other

the whole way through

ALL three lines do not end with an end mark



Well, that went wild! Hope this helped (if it even did)

~Waffle