Smashed glass littered the concrete like fragments of her life; wasted and broken. A haze of need and want clouded her judgement as she yanked at the door and reached for the cables. I wondered where she’d learnt to hotwire a car. The answer scared me.
Breath misted the window as I watched the thing I held dearest to me draw another strike against herself.
My heart thumped in my chest at the roar of the engine. A hungry smile lit up her pale, skeletal face. Shattering realisation painted mine. It hurt to watch a part of me choose the wrong path.
My little girl was hooked on drugs.
I should have been watching her graduate at eighteen, not bailing her out for twocking the neighbours car.
She would hate me when I finally forced her into rehab. I cried.
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138,497 Literary Works • 672,143 Reviews
Okay, let's go.
I will critique the spoiler too.
I like the title, but I'm not sure if you have utilised this handy little aspect fully. I mean you don't need to be direct about it, when bridging the title and the theme. You can be vague and subtle, allusive and when the reader finishes the story they will be like, 'Oh gosh how clever!' It's good as is, but could be a little better. Let's get stuck in shall we?
'Did what?! tell me now! '
The best first line I have read in a while. It's such a rare thing, a compelling and exciting first line. I think intro's are my forte so when I say this is good, it means it is great, brilliant in fact. Because I am relentless when critiquing intro's. So well done, nice hook.
This is good but it feels like the semi colon is a bit hard, distracting. I over use commas and frequently incorrectly use semi colons so I might be wrong. But neither side of the semi colon is a complete sentence alone, so I don't think this is right. This line is great otherwise, concise and well weighted.
What a strange metaphor. Heart hooked on drugs? Don't get me wrong it reads poetically, but doesn't make sense at a second glance. I would get rid of 'on drugs' as you probably imply it later in the piece. Be subtle.
Drug addicts seldom steal 'money.' My old flat mate was one, he stole a few of my things and sold them to his dealer. I didn't notice them missing for literally months and finally he called me after he had moved out and his parents had intervened in his addiction/lifestyle - he explained what he stole and how it was wrong and offered to purchase the items for me. Cool story Josh, I know. My point is, drug addicts are desperate. They don't settle for money to steal, even if they still live with their parents, money isn't readily available for most, so items are easier to steal and sell. They are generally relentless and over three years I guarantee you your MC would be enticed to steal more than money to fuel the addiction.
This is a bizarre image. It's almost laughable, I am literally smiling as I type this. Why on earth the TV? I can't pinpoint it but there is something so strange happening here. This inane image of a little girl hurling a huge TV in the ground. 'Fit of rage' is also so cliché. Your prose is brilliant, that's why this stands out so bad.
'The old lisa would be a sobbing mess...'
Something like that would make a lot more sense and you won't have readers, stopping to reread and read again. Puzzled by this image.
Nice work.
You build it up nicely, I'm tempted to say this is over descriptive, because you do harp on a bit.
I wouldn’t see her for
six monthsa while but rehab seemed the only way. Was it so wrong to want my little Lisa back? See her whole again? I hoped not.Okay I haven't even got to the story and I am exhausted. So I will be quick from now on - I have 24 others to get through today!
Great work, I love this. You have done well with the prompt, I wouldn't call the drug plot unique, but the fathers perspective is fresh and intriguing. Well done and good luck!
P.S - Your edit is much much better than the original!
You reviewed my flash fiction, so I am here to reciprocate.
Okay, so flash fiction is in my opinion the most difficult type of writing there is. With 150 words you have even less time than I had and I suffered tremendously.
In flash fiction a whole different set of rules apply to normal fiction. Because of the brevity of the piece you need to astound your reader with your presentation. This means lyrical or otherwise shocking prose. It means exposition that tells your story without the use of words. Images take up far less space. It means leaving out history and keeping your story very tight together.
Now, I know you are a tremendous story teller, but you more than anyone have been ruthlessly robbed of your toolkit here. You rely on strong character interactions to guide your prose. You rely on stories that are filled with tension. This is literally impossible to do under such constraining conditions.
The problem is that you still try. You need to leave your comfort zone and paint pictures. You have to switch from narration to art. Your story is good, but it needs more time to tell and it feels cramped and rushed as it stands.
I suggest focusing on an individual scene.
Hope this helped!
I'm also part of this contest and see that we have two clearly different topics, haha. Not being sure what exactly you're talking about, I'll critique it as best I can.
First of all, I'd like to say that it's interesting how you started and ended with the same thought. Very nice.
"Pale face and skeletal body." I'm afraid that this doesn't really register with me.. I mean, it describes her well, but why is she so thin?
Other than that, this was a sad piece to read. Really touching, with a subtle tinge of anger towards her lifestyle. Something like this is best in small doses, but too much would cause depression, so I like that there's a word limit here ;D
--Brandon
Xoxo
This was so cool. It's amazing what you can do with 150 words when you put your mind to it. I had a couple critiques, though:
This seemed a little...off. I think it would work better here if you made this one combined sentence by replaced the period with a comma here."realisation" is spelled "Realization."
Again, the off-ness. Maybe, as well as a change in punctuation, a slight change in wording? "Growing up was cruel to her, she fell into nothing. Expecations crumbled."
This was so heartfelt and real-sounding. You put a lot of thought into this. I could clearly see the anguish of a (and if this isn't the way you wrote it, please forgive
Ah, I want to critique this soooo bad, but something is telling me it's probably not fair for me to help. All I will say is you have done well. As mentioned, you can be fairly liberal about the theme and it all seems implied. I'm just chomping at the bit, it will have to wait I suppose. I hope others give you some good feed back with this, because it's fantastic. Also, keep in mind you can enter up to 3 pieces of the same theme. Other than that, good luck and I really look forward to reading the final product.
JP