Hey =] So here's my March CIA contest entry. I wasn't going to enter, but then my imagination struck whilst I was at work so I decided to give it a go. I know it isn't quite right just yet so reviews and comments would be really helpful. Hope you enjoy it!
Nervously, I glanced over to where Toby was perched on the end of his bed. The duvet lay crumpled and messy, but what seven year old makes their own bed? I allowed myself a meek smile. You couldn’t even see the carpet when we’d played pirates a couple of weeks ago. The smile vanished. It had all been so simple then. I sighed audibly, gaining Toby’s attention. I felt my stomach clench and the uneasy feeling return. His eyes were still the same shade of green that they had been when I’d first met him. They didn’t shine today though. Instead, they looked clouded and unseeing.
I wound my left hand around my right wrist. My heart jolted once I had found what I was searching for. The thin braid of rope was frayed and dirty, but it still brought back the delicate smile to my face. My breath caught as Toby shifted in his seat. Biting my lip, I wondered if he had seen my smile. His gaze was strained as if he was looking through a veil to see me. It wasn’t his fault though; he was just growing up. I felt a lone tear slide down my pale cheek and Toby frowned.
“What’s wrong Alice?” His voice was full of concern and my mind reeled at how right my gut instinct had been. He was getting older and I was helpless to stop it.
“Nothing,” I soothed, blinking back another set of tears.
“But you’re crying.”
“How was school?” I interjected, plastering a smile on my face and hoping it would distract him. His gaze seemed to falter before he shrugged.
“Was okay I suppose.” I watched sadly as he bowed his head and began picking at the scab that was just visible under the right leg of his shorts.
“Did Dustin push you over again?” I asked.
He fidgeted, creasing the pale blue sheets underneath him. “No.”
“You can’t let him push you around,” I sighed.
He looked up at me then, his eyes still foggy and I knew I was the only one who could see it. The only one to notice the mist taking over his sight, but then that made sense. I was the one he was growing blind to. I felt another pang of guilt spread through me. What sort of friend was I? I flinched as my mind answered for me and cringed as the internal fight started up inside me again. I knew I was being selfish, but I wasn’t ready to let him go. I realised the time would eventually come when he didn’t need me anymore, but surely it wasn’t now. He was still having problems with Dustin and I couldn’t help the overwhelming need to watch over him. To look out for him like friends should. Nevertheless, the signs were all there. The clouded eyes were unmistakable. Not long left now. I’d first noticed it last week, when we’d been playing in the garden and then again a couple of days after that. Playing hide and seek, there had been a brief moment when it had seemed like he’d seen straight through me, but I’d lied to myself. I’d lied to keep myself from believing the truth.
“But he didn’t push me,” Toby said.
“Oh,” I mouthed, as he stood up. He seemed so much taller now and the locks of brown hair framing his boyish face seemed longer.
“I fell over playing tag with Billy.”
I nodded and the pain shot through my chest. I should have known. Making true friends was always how it started. What use would he have for me when he could have someone real.
“Billy in your class?” I asked. He’d talked about Billy before. Why hadn’t I seen it coming?
“Yes,” Toby replied, a smile lighting up his face. I loved that grin; cheeky and mischievous. He’d always used it to get himself out of trouble. It was his equivalent of a puppy dog face and his Mum was a sucker for it. I had always been too. Another sharp stab to my heart. “He’s coming over to play today.”
I nodded, urging my smile to appear genuine as realisation dawned.
“Did you know that Billy has a dog?”
“No,” I replied, glad that my false smile had fooled him.
“Well he has and one day Billy says I can meet him. Won’t that be cool Alice?”
“Very cool.” I was surprised at how calm my voice was, when inside I was near hysterical. Two years I’ve known Toby. Two whole years of memories. I stroked the bracelet around my wrist again, letting small flashbacks play in the foreground of my mind. Last year at the park when we’d chased all of the pigeons away so that they wouldn‘t steal the bread from the ducks. Camping in the back garden. His first day of school when I’d had to help him tie the laces on his shiny, black school shoes. The day he’d given me the friendship bracelet - that had been my favourite day of all. I swallowed the sobs that were building up in my throat. I had to stay strong. I didn’t want him to have to remember me that way; sad and crying. I wanted his last memory of me to be happy, just like it had always been when we’d been together.
A sharp knock brought my attention back to Toby’s bright blue bedroom. My eyes fell upon half finished jigsaws and abandoned toys strewn across the carpet, before they rested on the door. There was another knock before Toby’s voice rang out across my jumbled thoughts.
“Come in.”
The door slowly opened to reveal Toby’s Mum, a smile on her friendly face. A face I’d seen so many times without her ever seeing mine in return. She’d never believed enough to see me.
“Billy’s here,” she said, glancing down to where Toby was standing by his bed.
“Okay,” he beamed and I watched as she left the room without another word.
The atmosphere in the room grew cold, but Toby didn’t seem to notice. I sat motionless as he pulled on his favourite green fleece, the one we had chosen together on holiday last April. The olive green fleece reminded me of his eyes...
Before I knew it, he was at the door and my mind screamed at me to cry out to him. To call him back to me. But I knew that would be wrong. This was how it was supposed to end. It had to end. It had to stop so he could move on, grow up. He had Billy now. There was no need for me anymore.
I finally let the pent up sadness free, burying my face in my shaking hands.
“Alice?” His voice was so soft yet it still made me jump. I gazed over at him quickly, forgetting to hide the tears from him. His face fell and he took a step back towards me, squinting in my direction.
“Don’t cry Alice,” he pleaded, shoving his hands into the pockets of his shorts. “I’ll be back soon.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice. It was meant to happen and there was no use fighting it, but it didn’t mean that I wasn’t hurting. Our friendship was never going to last forever. It wasn’t supposed to. It was as if I could feel my heart shattering into pieces and I watched through wide, blurry eyes as he gazed at me for what I knew would be the last time. His eyes were almost completely glazed over, a milky haze shadowing the olive green. I felt the hollowness creep into my chest as he left the room, leaving me behind.
I knew that that had been the last time he’d see me. It was time for me to give him up. My job as an imaginary friend was done.
Thanks for reading!
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
Jeez, overload of creativity. =]
Anyways, this is one of your critiques for entering CIA’s sacrifice contest. A little late, I know, but life gets in the way. =/
I only really have two comments. First, the story moves much too slow, especially at the beginning. This is a little boy – he has energy! He should be running around and having fun, but the way you write it feels like he’s in slow motion. Use his childish energy to your advantage. Contrast him with Alice – it’ll make her age and act of disappearing and emotions much stronger. Right now she’s clinging to every moment, but if you had her do that and allowed Toby to have the hype of a little child, then both will be that much stronger.
Also, you need to work on why he has Alice. Why is she female – why is she so much older than him? There has to be a reason. I would have assumed that his mother was dead and Alice was kind of a replacement, but his mother seemed perfectly fine when she poked her head in. Yes, many children have imaginary friends, but the type they have is very specific to their lifestyle.
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415
Hi Dudette. I'm Conrad Rice, one of the judges for the CIA contest, and I'm here to give you a courtesy review for entering the contest.
I have to say that I really liked this story. I had a hint of what it was about when I had gotten halfway through, but that in no way ruined my impression of this story. You have a creative idea here, and you really put it to its full and good use here.
The only thing I dislike is that it seems as though Alice is much older than Toby, when I seriously doubt that he would think up an adult for an imaginary friend. You may want to consider making her descriptions and mannerisms more like a girl the same age as Toby. If you do intend for her to be older than him, then you ought to tell us why Toby has an adult as an imaginary friend.
All in all, a good story. Keep up the good work.
-Conrad Rice
I love it
but i do like all your stories, you make them so real and put a lot of
emotion and use good words.
I thought it was very good and I've never read a story from the point of view of
a imaginary friend. Very creative
Borntoshop
Okay... Hi! I'm really sorry I took so long, but my homework started to back up... well, you know the story!
First of all, you're starting paragraph is good. You have drawn in my attention, but I don't know what Toby is. Is he seven? you state that he is, but somehow I get the impression that he isn't.
In the second paragraph, I still don't know who is talking. This is a big downside, because I want to. You say that the writer has a 'frail' smile, this gives the impression that she is old. You then explain that you have a friendship bracelet on your wrist, which makes you seven years old a friend of Toby. I'm confused!
Okay... more confused the more I read into this! You say that she is upset, and Toby is trying to care for her. this gives me the impression that they are BF & GF. And that are Seven?!?! This is mucked up. You could add some filler to your story and explain things here.
Okay... half way through I know that she is a friend. This next part is just an opinion, but it did seem to me that she was a mother for a second, and then there was the thing about her crying... I got confused. Maybe I'm just not in the right state of mind to do a good review. Sorry!
Hmmm... it seems to me that these paragraphs contradict themselves. You say that she wants to be a friend, and she has to let him go, but then there is something about her lying to him... something a seven year old wouldn't do. perhaps you could re-word it to make more sense?
Anyways...
Thanks for writing!
Hi dudette! This is a really good story, I love the angle you have taken and you've written it really well too
I will point out what I can but I warn you it will mostly be opinions as I think this stories already brilliant 
I'm not sure about using appear here- it doesn't sound right to me. You could either replace the word or change the sentence a little to 'I allowed myself a meek smile.'
Clouded and unclear are kind of the same thing so I'd get rid of the 'and' and put a comma instead or change one of the words so its adding further detail.
contorted doesn't seem to me to be the right word to use- I always kind of associate contorted with being in pain or something, 'pulled down into a frown' might work well instead or just 'Toby frowned'.
I think you could replace emerging with something else- lighting or spreading across could work well.
I'm not really sure why she would need to stay strong for him- he doesn't need her any more so it wouldn't really affect him much if she was crying. I can understand that she would want to spare his feelings though, perhaps another sentence on not wanting to make him feel guilty or his last memory of her to be a sad one would be more accurate. I'm just being really picky here though so ignore me if you like
I think this might sound better with 'ever' before 'seeing mine' and maybe replacing 'seeing' with 'glimpsing'- I think they both work fine in this sentence though.
As you talk about her heart shattering into pieces first then move on to saying it felt hollow I would change on of these descriptions to on something else- They are both good descriptions but just so you are not talking about the same thing, perhaps the hollowness could be in her chest? Or her stomach?
Overall: Great story! I'm sure you'll do well in the contest
huh...
whoa... that was cool, so she's an imaginary friend... I don't think I've seen that before... a story from the point of an imaginary friend... niice,
well, honestly, it was a good story, I didnt think it was going to be when I started it, but it surprised me... you write it so that the person really has no clue the entire time that she's an "imaginary friend"
I agree that you could have gone more in depth... or continued on to explain their history together... something to add substance to the story, but as it is, it is okay...
more emotion, more depth... make the farewell heartbreaking...
good job,
Peace,
God
Hello Dudette!
Let's get straight to the review.
I have to say that I think that your twist was sheer genius. I really like the entire story.
The second comma in this sentence is wrongly placed. Also you say that you glanced at him, and he stared back at you. He would only be staring back at you if you were staring at him. Not merely glancing at him.
I don't think this sentence really makes sense. Perhaps, "The olive green fleece reminded me of his eyes...". I think the ellipses would work very nicely here.
I don't think I saw anymore nitpicks while going through this. Good work.
What I would suggest is toning down the amount of sentences like this:
There are several other examples where you do this in your passage. I think that under most circumstances if you killed the part of the sentence past the comma, like this: '"But he didn't push me," Toby said.' it would be far better. You can however afford to do this once or twice, but it shouldn't get too repetitive.
Aside from the above, I think that your story is excellently crafted, with strong prose, good description, and a clever plot. I think I will give you a star.
Have a good one!
Hey =]
Thanks for the tips and comments. I'll try and re-write/ re-arrange the first couple of paragraphs so they read better and I'll add in a bit more detail on memories.
Thanks again!
xDudettex
Hiya Dudette!
Cut back on some of those long lists of emotion and make them into shorter sentences so they have more punch. ^_^
Nice work!
That last one's not really huge, since you tie it up at the end, but I was wondering how old this kid was and what a girl was doing in his room.
Sentence length: Your sentences are long and a bit hard to read in the first couple of paragraphs. Long lists of emotions/events can really drag down a story, and the opening is especially important.
Originality: I will say this about your originality: You have some of the most original stories I have ever read. And I'm not just saying that.
Emotion: I think you could have gone into more depth on the abandonment issue here. More signs as to things going on. Some more emphasis on memories. Perhaps a touch more clarity on the relationship at the beginning.
Overall: Nice work here! A contender for sure.
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Okay. You've reviewed like, all my stories and I've never reviewed yours so I am.
There weren't many nit-picks and I'm not good at them so I'll just do the other stuff.
Plot: The plot was really interesting and creative. I didn't realize she was his imaginary friend until the end which was good. It added a hint of mystery.
Characters: I could really imagine the characters. What they looked like, their personalities. However, I didn't know what Alice looked like. Maybe since she was imaginary we didn't have to know.
Description: I could really imagine the room and when they were playing the the garden. You added just the right amount of description in very subtle ways. Good job!
Overall: I really like this and I'm glad you wrote it. Keep it up!