Lose Control

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Points: 356
Reviews: 10

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Thu Jul 24, 2014 9:09 pm

wolverene13 says...

Wow. All I have to say is I love this poem, but the first stanza is just very… Odd. HAHA.
I like it tho….

Points: 896
Reviews: 117

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Mon Jul 21, 2014 12:26 pm

rishabh wrote a review...

HEY!

Your piece is good. it is a short little poem, quite understandable. you used simple and catchy words which are making your poem interesting. It is a bit raw poem in starting but later it becomes clear that why is it raw in beginning. it is a good piece of work , i read of yours. poem ends in four stanzas, which is good.

over all great job, keep it up buddy!

Rishabh Parmar

Points: 28996
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Mon Jul 21, 2014 3:40 am

Morrigan wrote a review...

Hey there, wtp.

So this was interesting. I don't really know if I get it, but my research on the phrases you're using tell me that you're talking about something akin to politics in America in the 60s.

The phrase "Hey, hey, LBJ, how many kids did you kill today?" is what you're referencing, yes? It was an anti war chant at rallies. I think that kids might be a better way to put it, as I started reading the poem and thought it was going to be about abortion.

Uh, but, it seems to be about smoking weed? And losing yourself to drugs?
I understand that the 1960s was a big time for this kind of thing, but I don't know if the political and Beatles references are doing good or harm for your poem. There seems to be a political tint to it, but I'm not quite sure what you're getting at. And since there's a tint, I don't know if I'm just picking it up, or if I'm imagining it. If it is political, I'd make it a bit more overtly so (not too much more, but I am just quite lost right now, so hints would be nice), and if it's not, I would take out the first reference to 60s culture, if not the second. Since the Beatles reference wasn't really politically charged, I might leave that one in. But the first one? Gotta go if it's not political.

It's a great, big delight

The meter is off in this line. It needs another syllable or so to fit in with the preceding line well.

So the whole poem is imperative, which we don't see very often (I really like this perspective, actually), but it sticks out a bit in the last stanza. As a reader, I didn't find it distracting until this point. But then the narrator tells the other person that they have an "innocent" soul. They haven't made any assumptions about the other person in the poem, even in the first stanza, when they ask them a question. But near the end, the narrator starts to make assumptions about the other, and that doesn't really fit in with the rest of the voice in the poem. If the whole poem was like that, it would be fine, but it felt weird to be in one mode for the whole poem and then switch at the end like that. Also about the last stanza: you use innocent twice and they're way too close to each other. Repetition is a poetic device, but generally try to keep the repetition a bit farther away than that. I'd change one of them to something else.

Your rhyme scheme wasn't too bad. There were one or two forced rhymes, but it wasn't distracting enough to warrant talking about at length (you'll find the forced rhymes in stanzas 1 and 3).

Altogether, not bad. I'm proud of you for this poem because you have indeed come a long way already. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!

Points: 340
Reviews: 21

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Mon Jul 21, 2014 3:17 am

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Sweetie wrote a review...

I read this anyhow... OOOOOO well. Like you said I am proud of you.

I really like this, its a little dark...but very good.

My favorite stanza is number 3. "Just close you eyes
And dream about tonight." That's just amazing! I don't even know why I like it so much its just brilliant.

Don't tell anyone I'm too young to read it but I did anyhow. Please, I'm begging you!

Bye, now.
~

p.s. I broke the rules