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16+ Language

Where It's Headed

by wtppowers


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

I hate the world we live in
It's such a piece of shit
Disease and senseless killin'
Lacking in skill and wit

We see war break out
Over trivial things
There's just so much doubt
And pain is all it brings

So invested in investments
Technology rules our lives
Those unfair assessments
Is why husbands leave wives

With all the flags unfurled
Incriminating words shredded
Looks like the man who sold the world
Knew where it was headed...


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760 Reviews


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Mon Jun 30, 2014 12:04 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review this work and hopefully brighten your outlook on the world.

The Golden Gate Bridge didn't fall down today.
The internet did self-destruct today.
The people of YWS completed 820 reviews today.

Do you want to know why bad stuff is on the news? Because it's news. The good stuff is so constant that it has become mundane. Every day the Golden Gate Bridge doesn't fall down is a victory. Same for every other bridge, tower, house, monument etc in the world. There are a lot of shitty things in this world, but we only notice them because they're unusual.

Could you imagine how mind-numbing it would be to tune into the news and hear the news-reader tell you every bridge in the world that didn't fall down today?

I can't take credit for this sentiment as the whole Golden Gate Bridge thing is from a YouTube video by Hank Green on the VlogBrothers channel.

You didn't die today.




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:57 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! Katya here for another review! Let's see what we got here! Oh and happy almost ended Review DAy!

I can't say anything bad about this poem so I'll go for the good stuff. Your organization is great. Your stanzas just are perfect! You are a pro at that. Your grammar is okay(you need to have your punctuation better) I love the themes in this poem. I talked about these problems in SS class all the time. I agree. Humans are headed into the end. We are not taking care of our world very well! The rhyming is great! Though, I feel that you repeat the ending far too much! I bet that most politicains would like to use that langauge. Like Bill Nye talking about the enviorment. Imagine, if he started cussing at you. You would listen then.(sorry about spelling). Technology is ruling our lives. I agree. We never go outside. We never enjoy the world! Let us do this! Stay inside on rainy days! One problem I see with this that I just noticed is that it kind of doesn't tranistion well. YOu have war and then technology? Where is that transition when you need it? I enjoyed this piece very much! You did a great job with this. I enjoyed the themes. Have a great end of review day! Keep calm and review on! :D




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:55 pm
wtppowers says...



FIXED THE SPELLING ERROR




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:45 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, wtp!

While I agree with some of the sentiments expressed in the poem, I think it could use a little work.

This is less of a poem than it is a rant that happens to rhyme. Poetry shows and not tells us something we don't know about the world, but this just kind of yelled it at the readers. It's hard to feel anything for this poem because there is no emotional connection to the poem, just a kind of "well, yeah." Try giving more details and less overviews, and see where that goes.

The narrator seems kind of whiny. I understand that this stuff is happening in the world, but there is no indication that the narrator is affected by this in any way. If the narrator was affected, perhaps the reader would be more inclined to sympathy. As it is, it's just telling readers about the world. What you as the poet need to do is make the readers care about it instead of telling them the information.

The only punctuation you use in your whole poem is an ellipsis at the end of the poem. Take it out. An ellipsis at the end of the poem only weakens the end, making it trail off into the forest of foggy uncertainty. I want it on a stone road somewhere, not a path in the woods.

In the end, it comes down to readers' emotions. Get them to feel something about these issues rather than tell us about them. I hope that this review proves useful to you. Merry writing, and happy fahrvergn├╝gen!




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:09 am
Willard wrote a review...



Hey, yo, wtppowers! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!
God, that was, blunt. Blunt force trauma all the way around. You handled it in a straight forward matter that can be spoken in a straight forward monotone voice and you'll get applauded. That was the best part about the poem. Some poems need to be brutal, and this sure was.
Now, as I unravel the themes that are in my mind, I found out two things about the narrator.
1. Doesn't like God.
2. The narrator whines too much.
It's apparent as the narrator "watches" the world with a "keen" mind and enjoys to pick on the faults of the world and the crap it's turning to. Yes, it's a matter I once had to deal with in a poem, but the narrator isn't likable at all. All they do is complain about the world and the war it's breaking out. "They don't care." Try to do something about it. Wait, no, the narrator never likes to do stuff in attempt to make a difference. Let's complain like a baby about everything and act like I'm perfect, while the world isn't. The narrator isn't likable for that reason. There was also the fact that he said "The man who dealt the world." I took that as God, and I took that as a low blow to him. I don't know what you can do to make this better.
Overall, meh.
Strange gives you..
5.5/10
Meh job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.


#TheFaultInOurReveiws




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:26 am
rhiasofia wrote a review...



Hello, rhia here to review on this lovely review day!

Well, this is nice and short. Let's see if I can find enough to review on. We'll start with nitpicks.

Diesease and senseless killin'

Disease is mispelled here. Just a little typo I'm sure.

Those unfair assessments
Is why husbands leave wives

Little subject-verb agreement problem here. It should say "those unfair asessments/*are* why husbands leave wives"

I like this, overall, but I feel like you could use some more punctuation to improve the flow of it.





Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence