z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Society's Rule

by writer97


This is something very new to me, so it could change very sporadically in upcoming installments. The basic idea I have for it at the moment is that it is set in a world called Avelunn (again this could change) that is in a dimension next to Earth so there a bunch of similarities. Now the language is a work in progress. So far I'm thinking medieval style with modern language. The general idea is that the "Society" is holding back technological and gender equality advances so for the most part the style of speak is modern but everything else is more medieval. Now names like the Society and the Order could change but for now that is what they are going to be until I come up with something better. Thanks for reading and hope you like it! I hope it isn't terribly basic!

Chapter One

“Daenyres Rojk, how do you plead on the charge that has been brought against you?” The executioner asked, looking at me with one grey, unruly eyebrow cocked at me.

“Which charge?” I asked, rolling my eyes. He just wanted to drag this out.

“On the charge that you slaughtered 12 knights of the Society.” He hissed, obviously not very happy with me. I just smirked, shuffling my feet.

“Guilty, of course.” I said, winking to the crowd that had gathered in the court room. The court room was really just a cylindrical room made of grey brick with stone seats going in a circle around the stage that I stood on. The executioner, or judge, stood on a podium about seven foot above the stage, looking down on me. I had already noticed the numerous guards, six to be exact, that were anxiously pacing about the room, keeping a constant eye on me. It was quite funny when I thought about it. They feared me so much that they had hired six guards to ensure my death should I try to escape. I was actually kind of flattered.

“You don’t want to defend yourself?” He asked incredulously. I suppose that he wanted to see me beg for my life or beg for a prison sentence. I would not degrade myself to that, though. They would ensure that I either died in torture or on stage. So why not keep my dignity? Besides, I did kill 12 men. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that I was the one responsible.

“What’s the point? I killed them, and enjoyed it. So, are we going to put this rope to some good use today or not?” I asked, motioning to the noose that hung next to me.

“Well, we shall see to that. But first, would anyone like to buy this filthy mutt? I’ll even give you gentlemen a good price. $600!” Immediately the room protested, shouting that the price was too high. The executioner just smiled coyly at me. He was just about to announce my imminent death when a bell rang out. Surprised, I turned around to see the sea of business men part to let an old man with a cane come forward. He hobbled along, a hood covering his face. I could only see his weathered hand clutching the cane, a large gold ring on his hand. “Sir, you would pay $600 for this piece of trash?” I turned around to the executioner and growled, baring my teeth at him. He flinched, stepping back. I turned around to see the old man had hobbled his way up next to me. He grabbed my right arm, twisting it so that my wrist was facing up. He ripped that cloth that covered my arm, exposing my birthmark. He gasped, his grip loosened in shock. I wrenched my arm free from his grasp, trying my best to cover it up.

“Yes, I would have her for that price, my good man.” Said that old man. To my surprise, his voice was smooth as the softest silk. It was still aged, but not raspy at all. In fact, it was not aged at all. It was wise.

“Alright then, the murderess is sold to this poor, old man for $600. Good luck to you, sir.” The executioner said, pounding his podium with his wooden gavel. “And Daenyres, if you kill him and escape, I will not hesitate to hang you.” He said, glowering at me. I just gave him my most wicked smile, barring my teeth. This time, he did not seem afraid.

I followed the old man to the key master. He gave the key to my chains to my new master, whispering something in his ear. I couldn’t hear what he was saying but I figured it was something to the effect that I was dangerous and blah, blah, blah. Don’t get me wrong, because I was, but I had no intentions of trying to escape. All it would take was one note to the executioner that I had escaped and my family and friends would be annihilated without any remorse.

At first I didn’t understand why the executioner hated me so much. Sure, I was a highly dangerous killer and a woman. So neither of those facts helped me out. But, from what my cell mate had told me, two of the men I had killed were his sons and two of the most respected knights in the Order. So I suppose my hopeful death would have been his revenge. But when I was unexpectedly bought, it thwarted his plans. So, it wouldn’t have took much for him to go after my own family. But he was also smart enough to know that if he did it I would have destroyed him and the rest of his family. So, neither of us tried the other.

“Master, am I to call you master or something else?” I asked sarcastically as we walked through the streets. He didn’t say anything, just tugged on the chain that was attached to the steel collar around my neck. He quickly walked through the busy streets, keeping his head down. If I had a dollar for every dirty look I got from the Society women and children I would’ve been rich. An ordinary person in filthy rags was not exactly something they cared to see on their streets. Most masters cleaned their slaves up if they lived within city limits. So naturally the ones that weren’t clean either weren’t worth the time or didn’t live in the city limits. I hoped it was the latter.

“Quiet,” He hissed at me, speeding up. I just jogged behind him, trying to keep up without getting choked. When we got to the gate the guard took one look at the old man and nodded. He winked at me, letting us pass. Confused I followed the old man faithfully as we continued our quick travel. He took a detour outside the city, using the road that most of the commoners, or ordinary people, took. I was surprised, naturally. This man had just paid $600 for me, and he took this road? We continued to travel until we were completely alone. He pulled me off of the main road into the woods, easily navigating the roots and fallen limbs as if they were small pebbles. I was amazed at how agile this he was. After a few minutes of travel he came to a halt, raising his hand to signal to me to stop. I started to ask what he was doing but he shushed me, raising his ringed hand into the air. He swirled it in a small circle, the golden ring glowing. It started to make a soft ringing noise, singing to me. He continued to do this until the ringing died down, the forest coming back to life.

When he was done he took the key to my chains and unlocked them, all of them. I rubbed my wrists where they had bled from being rubbed raw. My neck was especially sensitive from the leash. He reached out and touched my neck. I started to flinch away when I felt an incredibly warm sensation start from my neck and travel down my body, especially warming the spots of me that were wounded, such as my wrists. Amazed I looked down at my wrists, and they were quickly healing and the pain was vanquishing. I lifted my shirt, gazing at my ribs as they slowly started to stitch back together under the thin skin that protected them from the outside. I expected pain, but felt only a slight tingling sensation. I looked up in wonder at my master, who had took off his hood and revealed his face. He was definitely old, but not as old as I thought him to be. I guessed he was in his 50’s, maybe? He was handsome, his stunning blue eyes true to the magic that was so obviously in him. They sparkled with hidden wisdom and knowledge, striking me motionless. His dark, greying hair was shorter than most, barely touching his ears with a slight wave.

“Who are you?” I asked in awe. He smiled the kindest smile I had seen in ages. My insides tingled in a way that was completely foreign to me. I wasn’t attracted to him, but something felt familiar about him, like I knew him through a friend or family member. I liked the feeling.

“My name is Promius. You may call me by such. I am not your master, nor will I ever be.” He said, taking off his cloak. When he took the cloak off, his appearance rippled and became much younger. Perhaps late 20’s. His features remained the same, including the wisdom I saw in his eyes. Only his skin was smoother, tighter with a light glow to it.

“How old are you really?” I asked, amazed at the sight before me. I had seen plenty of magic in my day, but none like this.

“That, I can’t tell you.” He replied with a wink. With the cane, he looked like a distinguished young man of well means. He wore dark pants with a black shirt. The cloak he had been wearing was a light grey that had a slight sheen to it. When he had bought me, it had looked old and worm out. Now that he was not wearing it, it looked brand new and beautiful. I wondered what such a handsome and obviously powerful man wanted with me. To break me? To use me for his own agenda?

“What do you want with me? Surely you didn’t buy a feared murderess just to take me out to the middle of the woods and set me free. Because that, my good sir, would be suicide.” I said with a wry grin. He just chuckled, swinging his cane.

“You could not kill me if you tried.” He said, unsheathing a long sword from his belt. He threw it up into the air at me. I easily caught it with my hand, weighing it. It was definitely much lighter than my own sword, which was odd. This beautiful sword was much longer than my own, with a golden hilt adorned with gems of every kind.

“What do you have to defend yourself? A fancy walking stick.” I taunted him, circling around him. He didn’t bother to turn when I was directly behind him.

“Precisely,” He said before swinging around and bringing the cane down on me. Only it was no longer a cane, but a sword almost identical to the one I held in my hand. I had just enough time to bring up my borrowed sword to deflect what would have been a very lethal blow to my head. He winked before spinning around and away from me. This time I advanced on him and he easily deflected me. He swung low at my knees, I jumped. I aimed for his side and he twirled away with ease. We continued on like this for what seemed to be hours, when in reality it was probably a couple of minutes. He was so fast and strong that for the first time since I had a hard time keeping up. It was like his stamina was never ending, while mine on the other had was beginning to waiver. Just when I thought I was done for, something inside of my chest turned cocky and confident. I couldn’t lose to this over-privileged, well dressed noble, I thought to myself. Suddenly, a surge of energy flowed through me and I began to land blows so quick and fast that he was struggling to keep up. With a grin plastered to my face I brought a blow down on his blade, twisted my sword down and over and wrenched it from his grasp. He backed up into a tree, his hands up in surrender. With the point of my blade pressed to his heart, I really looked at him. He didn’t seem scared, or even nervous. In fact, he started to smile, pride in his eyes.

“Good job, Dae. I was wondering when it would hit you.” He said with a low chuckle.

“How do you know my nickname?” I demanded, pressing the blade slightly harder into his chest. I didn’t want to kill him, but I wouldn’t let him know that.

“If you’ll be so kind as to remove the blade from my chest, I’ll tell you.” He replied with a victorious grin. I slowly brought it down until I was stabbing the ground with it.

“Now if you’ll be so kind as to tell me what you specifically want from me.” I said, sarcastically imitating him. He just rolled his eyes, walking past me to retrieve his sword. He blew against the silver hilt and I watched as it shimmered and turned back into the fancy walking cane.

“I seem familiar to you, do I not?” He said, polishing the cane with the sleeve of his shirt. He wouldn’t meet my eyes, looking at everything but me.

“I guess so. Have we met before?” I asked, studying him. He did seem incredibly familiar, I just couldn’t place him. It was as if my brain said no, you don’t know him while my heart was screaming at me that I did. It was infuriating.

“We have, many lifetimes ago.” He said, finally bringing his eyes to meet mine. In two strides he was in front of me. He grabbed me by my face and forced me to stare into his eyes. A white blue haze settled over his eyes, captivating me in their depths. Suddenly I felt very dizzy, unable to stand. I was slowly falling, falling through time. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but my body seemed to know because it wasn’t panicking, but adapting. Apparently it was only my mind that was oblivious to everything happening to me. Just as an apparition was starting to form before me, I felt my mind tug away, shielding me from whatever he was trying to show me. Infuriated I tried to force my way to it. Before me was a woman in a long white cloak, kneeling on a snowy cliff overlooking a beautiful forest below. The fir trees were coated in a layer of snow, and it was still falling ever so slightly. I heard her faintly crying, her shoulders shaking. There was someone off to the side in a dark cloak, hiding in the shadows of a forest. Suddenly she stopped crying and stood up. Pulling the hood from her head, I saw white hair flow in the wind. She extended her right arm, sweeping it over the forest. A variety of vapors erupted from the trees, flowing up to her arm as if by silent command. They swirled around and around her in all different colors. They disappeared into her, one after another. When it was done she collapsed, her arm thrown out. I was pulled back all of a sudden, snapped out of the apparition. Not before I saw the mark on her right arm, though.

The same exact mark that I bore on my own right arm.


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Mon Sep 28, 2015 4:40 am
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ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Hello there!
I saw this work a while back, but I didn't review as it had already got a few so... yeah. But now I'm going to since you asked!
Well, it was really a suggestion...
Moving on!

Alright, first of all (and this has nothing to do with the story, it just bugs me a bit) put anything that isn't part of the story in italics or bold. And put the "Chapter One" part in a larger font. You don't have to... it's just my suggestion.

Stuff

Spoiler! :
Like reviewers before me have said, don't use actual numbers for your work. Write out the word instead.


The executioner, or judge, stood on a podium about seven foot above the stage,


I can't help but feel like it should be "seven feet". Unless you're actually using it correctly, I can't vouch for it as I don't use feet for measuring.


that were anxiously pacing about the room, keeping a constant eye on me.


Wait, why were the guards pacing? Were they worried? Even if they were, guards aren't really supposed to move from their position, right? They should be assigned to an exit each or something. I know you said that they hired six to ensure her death, but pacing around doesn't seem very professional and would actually make them seem like they're incapable of killing her.
I dunno, maybe I read it wrong?


“Well, we shall see to that. But first, would anyone like to buy this filthy mutt? I’ll even give you gentlemen a good price. $600!” Immediately the room protested, shouting that the price was too high.


From the way you phrased this, you make it sound like people actually want to buy her. Why would anyone want to buy her? She's in jail because she killed twelve people and these people actually want to buy her?
In fact, why is buying criminals even a thing? Come on! These are bona fide murderers/thieves. If someone buys them, it not only ensures their escape but then the authorities would have to track them down again and do another trial.
Ok, I guess the chains staying on is a safety precaution, but the question still stands. Why would anyone want a criminal?
Basically, it doesn't seem like a very useful system.
Sorry, did I sound too harsh there?
I didn't mean to.


“Precisely,” He said before swinging around and bringing the cane down on me. Only it was no longer a cane, but a sword almost identical to the one I held in my hand. I had just enough time to bring up my borrowed sword to deflect what would have been a very lethal blow to my head. He winked before spinning around and away from me. This time I advanced on him and he easily deflected me. He swung low at my knees, I jumped. I aimed for his side and he twirled away with ease. We continued on like this for what seemed to be hours, when in reality it was probably a couple of minutes. He was so fast and strong that for the first time since I had a hard time keeping up. It was like his stamina was never ending, while mine on the other had was beginning to waiver. Just when I thought I was done for, something inside of my chest turned cocky and confident. I couldn’t lose to this over-privileged, well dressed noble, I thought to myself. Suddenly, a surge of energy flowed through me and I began to land blows so quick and fast that he was struggling to keep up. With a grin plastered to my face I brought a blow down on his blade, twisted my sword down and over and wrenched it from his grasp. He backed up into a tree, his hands up in surrender. With the point of my blade pressed to his heart, I really looked at him. He didn’t seem scared, or even nervous. In fact, he started to smile, pride in his eyes.


Ok, this part was really good but it's just too massive of a paragraph. Maybe separate it out?
I think the only reason I kept reading is because I really like action. :D


I was slowly falling, falling through time.


Should be "falling. Falling through time."


Plot
Spoiler! :
Well, that was certainly an interesting chapter one. You do a good job of captivating the reader by starting off with the action (I mean it's kinda like action).
And I'm guessing that the apparition she saw was actually her. Many lifetimes ago. Which would be cool since then she'd be several hundred years old or something...


Characters
Spoiler! :
I'd really like to see more of Daeneyres and Promius. :D
And I have the slightest suspicion that they're either brother and sister, or dating. Or were dating.
Actually this brings up the question, how does Promius remember what happened so many lifetimes ago whereas Daenyres cannot? I wonder. I assume you will explain. It might be because Daenyres has been reborn several times and can't remember her past lives, whereas Promius has not died yet. Or whatever reason you give us.


And that's all I got!
I'm expecting Chapter Two real soon since it's been a month. Seriously, I'm watching you...
:D
And when it does come out, tell me!
Because I'd really like to know what's really happening around here.
:D

Bye!




writer97 says...


Thanks! I promise I'm working on the next chapter but I'm a busy college student and i don't really have much down time and when i do I'm normally practicing or practicing. And when I'm not practicing... I'm either sleep or practicing. :D but I'm about half way through it and a lot of questions are about to be answered. Not all of them but the majority. I'm definitely answering why she was being sold. If i ever decide to present this to a publisher then i will probably put that in the first chapter. Anyways, thanks again!



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Thu Sep 17, 2015 5:30 pm
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IDEK wrote a review...



The summery for this story was well written and defiantly hooked me in, so I decided to read. This story starts and develops quickly, almost without pause, yet is well written with an interesting point of view. Writing this from a murderess's point of view is very well thought out. You have well written characters, and every sentence flows perfectly. However, you could divide it into more paragraphs for an easier read.




writer97 says...


Thanks!



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Tue Sep 01, 2015 7:38 pm
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jumpingsheep wrote a review...



Nice work! I like the world that you have set up here, and I find your narrator to be even more intriguing. I can't wait to find out more about her, especially a little more about her backstory. I also though the dynamic between her and the executioner was cool, even a bit humorous.

I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors, so props to you!
The descriptions were also on-point and I felt like I could clearly visualize every scene.

Oh! And Promius! I like the mystery surrounding him; what a cliffhanger you left us on!

Tag me when you post the next chapter!




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Tue Sep 01, 2015 1:51 pm
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Halfbloodcheetah wrote a review...



Hello writer 97!

This piece was... AMAZING! If I had picked up this book, in a store I would have brought it right to the register and payed for it. I was literally hooked to the screen. I love the way you made the guy so mysterious and didn't make him reveal everything to her there.

I can not wait to read more!




writer97 says...


Thank you so much! Comments like that . And ask if these other reviews are what keepbme going!



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Tue Sep 01, 2015 1:26 pm
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Persistence wrote a review...



Hello, writer. I like your writing, it is really good.

But before I talk about what I liked about it, here are a few things you might want to take a look at:

"A dimension next to Earth." I will not go into why this sentence does not make sense. I assume you meant "A universe close to ours". I know that people get the idea, and that it is not even part of the story, but I hope you understand the need to point it out.

"12 Knights of the Society"; "Perhaps late 20’s." I strongly advise you to refrain from using numbers when narrating. Also, you do not use an apostrophe after 20. Apostrophes either indicate possession (of the 20), or the short form if the verb "to be" (20 is). Though, you can avoid any confusion by simply saying "twenties".

"He flinched, stepping back." The "stepping back" part is a bit passive. Don't you think that it would convey a tad stronger message it you said "stepped back" instead?

"I looked up in wonder at my master, who had took off his hood" A minor oversight. It should be "...who had taken off his hood"

Your writing is excellent. A wonderful combination of action, dialogue and description. Highly entertaining. Though, I couldn't help but notice the similarity between the name of your main character and Daenerys from A Song of Ice and Fire. The spelling of it is also very... specific, just saying.

You use diverse vocabulary, tend to not use the same words frequently, and reveal a lot of the world through dialogue. All of that mixes well into a good first chapter, which hopefully you can develop into a great story.

I hope this review helps, and helps encourage you to get some more writing done.




writer97 says...


Awesome thanks!



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Tue Sep 01, 2015 8:57 am
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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review!

First of all, I really enjoyed reading this. You have some interesting worldbuilding going on, and I liked the characters and the interaction between them. Now onto the more individual aspects of the story:

The name Daenyres instantly made me think of Daenerys Targaryen from A Song Of Ice And Fire, and since this is such a popular book and TV series you should probably be aware that the reader may instantly make connections to another fictional character. Furthermore, it may just have been me but I found the name a little… unpronounceable? Maybe changing it to something like “Danaris Rojek” might make it easier on your readers’ eyes, and prevent an uncomfortable jolt out of the story while they try and work out how it might be said. Just a suggestion. :)

On the other hand, I like the way you’ve shown a lot of Daenyres’s character through the first few lines. You could I suppose make it clearer from the beginning that she’s female, but actually I rather like the plot twist as I was visualising a cocky young man.

“On the charge that you slaughtered 12 knights of the Society.” He hissed, obviously not very happy with me. I just smirked, shuffling my feet.


Since this is a fantasy work, I would personally write the numbers (especially numbers under 100) out in full as words. Furthermore, I know this is another nitpick but your speech tags aren’t quite right as they stand. Here’s a really helpful article which explains it in more detail.

“Well, we shall see to that. But first, would anyone like to buy this filthy mutt? I’ll even give you gentlemen a good price. $600!” Immediately the room protested, shouting that the price was too high. The executioner just smiled coyly at me. He was just about to announce my imminent death when a bell rang out. Surprised, I turned around to see the sea of business men part to let an old man with a cane come forward. He hobbled along, a hood covering his face. I could only see his weathered hand clutching the cane, a large gold ring on his hand. “Sir, you would pay $600 for this piece of trash?” I turned around to the executioner and growled, baring my teeth at him. He flinched, stepping back. I turned around to see the old man had hobbled his way up next to me. He grabbed my right arm, twisting it so that my wrist was facing up. He ripped that cloth that covered my arm, exposing my birthmark. He gasped, his grip loosened in shock. I wrenched my arm free from his grasp, trying my best to cover it up.


Great paragraph but an awful lot happens in it, and you might find your reader’s attention begins to wander. I’d break it up into several shorter paragraphs. Also, would most people really be willing to buy a dangerous criminal like Daenyres?

At first I didn’t understand why the executioner hated me so much. Sure, I was a highly dangerous killer and a woman. So neither of those facts helped me out. But, from what my cell mate had told me, two of the men I had killed were his sons and two of the most respected knights in the Order. So I suppose my hopeful death would have been his revenge. But when I was unexpectedly bought, it thwarted his plans. So, it wouldn’t have took much for him to go after my own family. But he was also smart enough to know that if he did it I would have destroyed him and the rest of his family. So, neither of us tried the other.


I feel like this rambles a bit, like a loose thread in an otherwise tightly knit story. Also, the number of times you begin a sentence with “so” and “but” are numerous and make it quite repetitive (and also you shouldn’t start sentences with conjunctions. Occasionally is fine, but too often and it loses any effectiveness) I’d just delete this paragraph, or cut it down with just a brief explanation.

Amazed I looked down at my wrists, and they were quickly healing and the pain was vanquishing.


Should that be “vanishing”?

Overall I thought this was a good first chapter – it got straight into the action and served as a hook to make me want to read on. I also liked the ending, which again raised questions and left me keen to find out what happened next. I found myself doing a few nitpicks, which is good as it meant I couldn’t find anything else wrong either with the general premise or with the writing style. (I would say that Daenyres isn’t the most likeable of souls. Maybe give her some more redeeming characteristics and / or a motive for having killed those men? At the moment she seems overbearingly arrogant and very sadistic!)

Assuming your plan is to upload more chapters, I’d be interested in reviewing any further ones. Feel free to PM me when the next chapter is up, or perhaps better still post a reminder on my long-buried and sadly forgotten WRFF thread since it’ll serve as more of a metaphorical kick up the backside to get me to review it. Keep writing! :D




writer97 says...


Thank you so much! I still let you know when i post the next chapter!




Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality