The Arc: Chapter1, section 2

by wordsandwishes

Published June 2, 2012

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Past line : "Looks like someone woke up early."

   I jerk my head up to the sound of my mother's voice. She towers over me; her sharp green eyes pierce my soul, her coal black hair flutters in the wind. Amy had always looked so much like her...

   She continues to speak, "Were you not supposed to wake up with the" -she gestures to my right- "others?"

   I stutter, too shocked to answer her question, "M-mom? Is that you?"

   My mother's calm face narrows into annoyance. "Of course I'm not your mother you pitiful human!" She bellows. The imposter shimmers into her true form and advances on me. She wears a white Victorian dress. Her eyes are know a golden yellow that contrasts with her ice blue skin, and long white hair. She crouches to peer into my eyes, "But now I know your weakness."

   I stand bolt upright and back away immediately. She laughs and fades away. I turn to run and fall into her. She grabs my wrist tightly. "Now now Sarah, don't you know that it's rude to leave in the middle of a conversation?"

   How does she know my name?

   I try to wrench myself away but her grip is like iron. She glares at me, "Tell me human, who let you out?"

   I open my mouth to reply, but before I can answer another voice speaks up behind me. A man's voice this time.

   "Stop toying with her Isabelle, you know as well as I do that no one let her out. It is programmed to let them out at the age of adulthood for their species."

   Isabelle drops my wrist.Obviously frustrated. "Must you always ruin my fun Dorian?"

   I turn to see her glide towards a man with the appearance of a living shadow. He is dressed in black head to toe. Even his eyes hold the appearance of voids.

   They begin to argue in a language I do not know. It would have been the perfect opportunity for escape. But I couldn't move. I could barely breath. I was beginning to feel oddly tired. I fought the sleep for what seemed like an eternity. Each time slipping deeper into unconsiossness, like quicksand. And they must have noticed because Isabelle turned around.

   "She is a peculiar thing isn't she?"

   "Perhaps you were wrong about her being a human."

   Isabelle sighed, "I tire of this mortal. Let us go home."

   They begin to fade away and I am able to move again. "Wait!" I call, "What do you mean she might be wrong?" The man smiles at me,"All will be made known in time child."

   Then they're gone, and I am left in the eery  silence of the forest. I turn and begin to walk into the dense underbrush.

   The woods would not be silent for long. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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SPAuthor
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SPAuthor wrote a review Review · Jun 24, 2012

Mwahahaha I, SPAuthor, am here to review your piece. Dun-dun-dun.
Anyway, so far I've really like your book. It's very interesting. I mean, who doesn't like a book about the future with World War Three, paranormals and a scary place called the Arc? But, as for the grammar cons, I find these problems:
"Her eyes are know" nope, should be "Her eyes are now," but that was probably just a little typo. And "unconsiossness" is spelled "unconsciousness" and "eery" is "eerie". Well, where I live, anyway, but it might be correct at your home. I dunno. And, at the very end, when it says, "...might be wrong?" The man smiles at me, (space here)
"All will be made known in time child." Since it's a new person speaking. And the very last sentence, "The woods would not be silent for long." would be "The woods will not be silent for long." since the rest of your story is in present tense.
Another thing, I think that you could combine some of your sentences very easily to make it flow better. Like, "Isabelle drops my wrist, obviously frustrated." would sound better as one sentence than two. I also think this happens a little fast, and you could slow it down and put more thought in, or describe something that seems unimportant just to hold suspense and make it more interesting. I know if you have a bigger plot you'll want to rush ahead, but don't throw everything at the readers at once.
I also think your main character is a little undefined. Make her have more personality, deeper thoughts and emotions, rather than just actions.
Now, for the good stuff.
I think this idea is very cool, the whole plot and everything. I'm a fan of sci-fi, so I especially like the paranormals.
You've also spaced it up a lot, so it's easy to read.
Allover, I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
~SP

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AliKat Comment
AliKat commented Comment · Jun 12, 2012

This is good, I would like to read more of it. It's interesting.

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wordsandwishes
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wordsandwishes commented Comment · Jun 2, 2012

I apologize for the shortness of this piece. I'm still working on it.



Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.
— J.K. Rowling