Here in this street everything’s the same. Here in this street, people treat me with respect. People are afraid of me. Here in this street everyone’s the same. And yet, we’re totally different. We’re all homeless kids with nowhere else to go. But we’re all here for different reasons.
We do anything to survive. Lie, steel, cheat, whatever it takes. The best thing is, here they can’t judge you for it. Because we all do it. And if you don’t do it, you don’t survive. We don’t steel from each other, because we don’t have anything.
Some of us are alone. Some of us have a group of friends. We help each other out. If you have a good reputation. I personally, don’t like to steel or cheat or whatever. I think it’s awful. But I have to do it. To survive. I do it because I have to. If there was another way I would do it, instead of this. It’s an awful feeling when you take what’s not yours, even if it’s for a good reason. Especially when you start thinking of how they worked for it, or how much they need it. I’m the only person that really thinks of that. Some people choose to ignore that feeling. Others feel guilty, but then think of how much they need it. They still feel guilty, but a little less. Here survival is everything.
Jacob and I have been living in the streets for three years. Only with us, it’s different. We’re… special in a way, maybe different. Some say cursed. We’re different from the rest. This happened when we were thirteen. At that age I learned that life is not what it seems. And all that society said that wasn’t real is real…
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140,605 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKayy well this is an interesting one. I'm not entirely sure what vibe this is trying to hit here. Its a little confusing to be honest. I love the way it starts off by trying for this sense of camaraderie in a shared hardship and having to survive this difficult world against all odds but the way you seem to just laser focus so quickly on so many acts that aren't exactly considered acceptable in the world isn't doing this any favors because it really doesn't come across as something out of desperation here even if that message seemed to be your intention here.
Hmm, I think this paragraph does a far better job of introducing that concept here. Here you get a bit more of a sense that these things are happening from some real desperation and as a result I think it ends up being a lot more powerful of a piece. I would honestly suggest just sort of trimming that part out of the start and letting this bit here explain that particular aspect of this life.
Oooh this is a lovely little thing to end on. Taking us a bit away from the more tried and tested and familiar trope there to start with to the idea of something more. It is also still something of a trope but this one really combines will with the other one to form a bit of a unique selling point here and it doesn't hurt that this particular hint here to end on absolutely does leave us wanting more and wanting to read on discover what all this could be about.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
The things in bold are the things I've added, which I think would make it better.
I would advise re-wording the last bit, or connecting it onto another sentence, cos it doesn't make sense if you have "We help each other out." and then "If you have a good reputation." Do you get what I'm trying to say? Either re-word it or take it out, 'cos alone it's useless.
As for the last paragraph, take out the two '...' because they're pointless and there's no good reason for having them in the prologue. Overall, it was okay. There wasn't much for descriptions or settings, but there was a certain quality that sparked my interest. Kay, now I'm going to go read the rest.
Hey wookielover.
Guess what? I logged in!
Yay!
Well, what is there to say?
This was awesome!
I'm gonna read the next chapter now.
HOORAY!
I think it should be 'Here on this street...'. Actually, I think it would sound best if it was just 'On this street'.
It should be 'on' instead of 'in' because your not technically in the street like in the cement and stuff, you're on it. And I don't think 'here' really adds much.
Same thing here in the 2nd sentence as above.
I liked this opening. It's intriguing. I want to read to at least the end of the page.
Something about this sentence doesn't seem 'right' to me, but I can't quite pin-point it.
Maybe try something like, 'The best thing is, they can't judge you for it here.' Or, 'The best thing is that, here, they can't judge you for it.'
Characters:
I think the MC has a really strong voice. He/She, (I'm assuming he right now) is really intriguing and interesting to read about.
I'm really curious as to why him and Jacob are so different.
Plot:
I thought this was a pretty good preface. It wasn't super confusing or anything and you introduced the characters and situation well.
As a reader, I want to read on. I'm curious as to what these boys have that is 'special'. Why are they even on the streets? What happened to their parents?
Overall:
Nice beginning. Some things got slightly repetitive but not too bad.
I'm gonna go read the rest!
-Carly
I haven’t read the rest of this story, but I can already tell you that this is not needed. 9 times out of 10, that is the case with a prologue. You don’t need it. This is a collection of pretty words, but that’s it.
Poems are supposed to be set in a different narrator, a different time, a different something. This doesn’t draw me into the story, because it’s slow and boring, while the story is supposed to be suspenseful.
Start later on – start on chapter one. Don’t tell us about these boys – show us. Let us feel the guilt. Let us see him go through these thought processes.
I can tell you’re a good writer, because this was very pretty. But you fell for an old belief – that prologues help. They very rarely do.
I'm going to go read chapter one, since this critique was so unhelpful, lol.
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415
This is good! It's interesting and original.
I think all your errors have been pointed out - my only advice is not to be so repetitive in the first paragraph (example: 'Here in this street everything's the same' - 'Here in this street everyone's the same') It would be better if you varied them a bit because they're very similar - or maybe if you got rid of one of them.
Anyway, keep it up! I can't wait to see which direction you take this story.
I'll annotate it in bold. (:
How are they different?
Apart from these few errors, the overall idea is brilliant and I'll have to make sure that I look out for this story in the future.
No, I'm kidding. That was really cool. It kept me thinking... what is wrong them? Leave it to you to use the name Jacob. Anyway, the only errors I saw were with the placement of the commas and the word steel, it's steal. Except for that, I thought it was very interesting and new. Can't wait to read the next!
Hi, wookielover. Welcome to YWS! Don't forget to do 2 reviews for every one piece of your own that you post.
This should be "steal".I like this beginning, but I think it would be stronger if you varied your sentences. Right now, it's one simple sentence after the other so it doesn't flow as well.
I think this is too long. I get lost in the middle. "If you have a good reputation" is a fragment. You could easily combine it with the sentence before it. Those first 4 sentences are a separate idea from the rest, so maybe you could separate them & make it easier to read.
Good hook. I want to know more. Is the narrator a boy or a girl?
Good start. People always say, "Show, don't tell." I think you could use a bit more showing here to liven it up.
Cheers,
Rachel