Learning the Truth (Chapter 5)

I hate you, wookie. What did you do to Jacob?
I'm going to try to zoom through this critique, so I can get onto the next chapter, but we all know that it takes me a while (and about twelve pages' worth of space) to rip someone's writing to shreds. Oh, well, I'll read it tomorrow *facepalm*
I really want to tear out Zoe Miller's entrails right now. For some reason, she irritates me more than Trench Coat Guy. She makes me want to kill someone (preferably her), and TCG just... intrigues me. Kind of.
Okay, onto critiquing!

a little confused. [P] “Well, we look exactly how we look now.

Remember: new paragraph every time someone new speaks. No matter how annoying it is. Also: if you're starting a sentence with something like 'um,' 'uh,' 'well,' etc., you have to put a comma separating it from the rest of the sentence. Then, those two 'look's looked a bit repetitive to me, for some reason. And in the sentences after that, you were talking in the past tense. So you might want to write something like: "Well, we looked exactly how we do now." Maybe? It's just a suggestion.

Real soon, but hey, I could be wrong.” [P] Jacob just sat there quietly.

Okay. You need that comma after 'but hey'; I'm not particularly sure why, but it's just always like that. Then, since you're going from Hail talking to describing how weird Jake is acting, you need a new paragraph there.

He didn’t say anything. He just sat there with a thoughtful expression on his face.

You might want to make this into one sentence. Like: He didn't say anything, just sat there with a thoughtful expression on his face. That's just a suggestion, though.

break through.

'Breakthrough': one word.

I got up to the kitchen and got some water. I looked over to where he was. He was still sitting there, thinking.

I threw in that comma separating the rest of that last sentence from 'thinking,' because thinking is what Jake was doing while he was sitting there. Then, those two sentences before seemed kind of dull and rather useless. No offense You might want to combine them or something.

I said quietly, getting closer to him. Like -if- I was approaching a wild animal.

First off, you might want to throw in that 'quietly' I suggested. I didn't really get the wild animal part the first time I read it, because it was just like Hail was saying his name and walking toawrds him. Nothing 'approaching-scared-animal-like' there. Then, I put in a comma (like that's surprising) and cut out that 'if'; it's unnecessary.

no response.

Capital 'N.'

[P] He snapped out of it. “Huh? What?” he said, kind of disoriented. [P] “You blanked out on me, dude.”

I put in two commas. Also, I think you should make a new paragraph when he snaps out of it, just to help with the effect of him jerking back into reality.

you -thin- thinking

Typo.

God, I’ve never seen him do this much thinking before! Stop the madness!

I threw in that comma because 'God' is another one of those words like 'well,' 'um,' 'uh,' etc. And I italicized 'Stop the madness!' just because... well... I liked it.

I nodded and headed for the door. I took my jacket and went out. I walked down the street, not sure where I was going.

Starting off every sentence with 'I' makes it sound rather repetitive. You might want to change that up a bit.

[P] What would people want -to do- with me and Jacob? We are one of the two most boring people in the world!

I think you should start off a new paragraph here, just because you're going from describing what she's doing to what she's considering as she's doing that. Erm, does that make sense? Anywho: the 'to do' is unnecessary. And then the 'one of the two' part... yo no comprende, wookie. Maybe I'm just being stupid and not looking at it from the right angle, but I don't get it. You might've meant to say 'We are two of the most boring people in the world'?

Just your regular orphans leaving in the street to learn about there new powers and learn how to control them.

This entire sentence in general confused me. I know the word 'leaving' is supposed to be 'living' and 'there' is supposed to be 'their,' but that's all I'm sure of. Maybe you could've said: Just your regular orphans living in the street, learning about their new powers and how to control them.

We might as well have -an- ‘I’m a freak; catch me if you can!’ signs on our foreheads! Not paying attention, I bumped into someone and fell to the ground. [P] “Hey, watch where you’re going!”

Okay. In the first sentence, you're talking in plural, not singular, so you should've had that 'an' part, and 'signs' needs to have that 's'. Next sentence: you typo'd. You said 'pumped' instead of 'bumped.' Then, since you have that bitch Zoe talking, you have to make a new paragraph.

“Sorr-” I was gonna say sorry, until I saw who it was.

Since you have the first four letters of the word written out, it's kind of obvious that Hail was about to say sorry. You might just want to say, Then I saw who it was.

what a not-so-pleasant surprise

You need those hyphen in 'not-so-pleasant'.

I said, -while- getting up.

You don't need that 'while' there. You can just say, I said, getting up.

[P] “Well, [comma there] would you look at that. The freak came out of her cave,” she said, in a menacing tone [you can just cut all that out and put 'menacingly,' if you want]. [P] “Zoe, I see they took of your muzzle. Not wise,” I said, [comma] just as menacing [you might want to think of a different word. You just used menacing before].

we took -on- a step toward each other.

Capital 'W' in 'We.' Also- I think this was a typo, too- you need 'a,' not 'on.'

one more step-s- toward each other.

You would just say 'step,' not 'steps,' since you said 'one more' before that. Also, you might want to use 'another' instead of 'one more'; that just looks off to me. But it's your choice; you're the author, I'm just the weird critiquer!

in each others faces

You need an apostrophe in the word others', for ownership, because it's their faces. Okay?

“You wanna piece of me, Taylor?”
“Bring it on, Miller!”

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Oh. Ahem. You need those commas before their names, because you're going from speaking to addressing them. Okay?

Wait, that’s bad real bad.

Here, you either typo'd or you meant to put it like this: Wait, that's bad- real bad.

I wanna punch all of Zoe’s teeth out, not blow her into oblivion. I had to do what I didn’t want to do, but had to do.

Okay. You needed that comma in the first sentence to separate it into two parts. Then, the second sentence... wait, what? I'm sorry, but the wording just kind of confused me. You might want to change it up a bit.

I herd her yell, “Yeah, go ahead and run, you wimp!”

You need 'heard' instead of 'herd'. Homonyms. Then, I put in that 'and' simply because that's how I've always heard the expression: 'go ahead and run!' Then, I threw in that comma.

But I wont. I herd her taunting me.

You need that apostrophe in won't. Also, once again, change 'herd' to 'heard.'

If Jacob were here, he would probably encourage me -killing her-. He hates her, too.

First off, you don't need that 'killing her,' since you said in the sentence before that Hail wants to kill that bitch Zoe. (I will never think of her as anything else). Then, in the second sentence, I threw in that comma.

She must have seen something -shinny- [shiny].

I stopped running to catch my breath. I put my hands on my knees and took deep breaths. Once I caught my breath I looked around.

It sounds rather repetitive overall. You might want to conbine a few of the sentences or switch the wording up.

Where am I? I was in a silent street. There were no cars coming up and down the road.

First sentence: present tense. Second sentence: past tense. Third sentence: present tense. I know you want to have it in past tense, so be a bit more careful with your wording.

Most of the buildings looked abandon[ed]. It reminded me of the street I live in, only mine has people and this one looks completely abandon[ed].

Also, be careful with your tenses up there.

I decided to get out of here. There wasn’t anything interesting here.

Repetitive-ness. Switch it up a bit.

I’ll go left. Maybe it’ll get me somewhere.

Both of those are in present tense. Maybe you could try: I decided to go left. Maybe it'd get me somewhere. Don't worry, I have the same problem with tenses... T_T

I looked around at the buildings to see if I saw something familiar. There were a couple of buildings I remember[ed] from when I was running. -I was running.- [typo, I assume]

Those two 'buildings's looked a bit repetitive. Maybe you could say 'houses' instead?

As I walk down the street, I have this strange feeling that someone is following me. I’m probably just being paranoid. It’s dark and creepy and quiet. I’m just imagining it.

That's all present tense, wookie. Be careful. HAIL YOU'RE A FREAKING PSYCHIC WITH BLOWING-THINGS-UP POWERS; YOU SHOULD KNOW NOT TO GO INTO DARK CREEPY QUIET PLACES.

Someone was following me.

But why couldn’t it be a gangster or a psycho guy?

Teehee.

It was someone, that for some reason, I was completely terrified of. Trench coat guy.

I added in those capitals, and all three words in Trench Coat Guy should be capitalized.

[P] “Hello,” he said, in a crisp British accent.

New paragraph there, because he just stared talking. And oh... oh my God... he's British... now he's going to be as hot as the Weasley twins whenever I imagine him... *stares off dreamily into space*

I couldn’t -here- hear [stupid homonyms]him following me, but I wasn’t going to take a chance and look back, or stop for that matter.

[P] “Jacob, I-” I cut myself off.

Self-explanatory.

Besides, Jacob is never in his room, except for when he’s sleeping.

Commas.

I shock that thought out of my head. I walked back outside.

You should have 'shook' there, not 'shock.' Also, you might want to combine these two sentences: I shook that thought out of my head and walked back outside.

[P] “Jacob! Jacob!” I started calling after him. I fought back tears. I ran around shouting his name, like -if- I was looking for a puppy.

You might want to combine a few of those sentences; they all start with 'I.'
Done. I really want to go and read the next chapter, but let me just say this: you always do a really good job of hooking me in. And I want Hail and Jake to team up and kick the crap out of Zoe...
Great job, and keep writing!