Before you read this, bare in mind that this story doesn't have the most exciting take off. I am working on that, and help would be highly appreciated. Enjoy!
I sit at my desk encouraging myself to complete the last three problems in my Saxon
Algebra 2 book, when voices from the living room distract me. As I ponder whether or
not to leave my last three problems for tomorrow, the clock hand strikes three and I push
away from my desk anxious to stop studying. However, I know Mom will make me do
them later.
I walk down the white carpeted hall, where my sister's new paintings are on display. One is of Princess Jasmin, the other is of a little girl in mid-air, jumping to snap a wooden board in half. My lips pull up into a soft smile as I realize just how talented she is. Only thirteen-years-old, but she has a black belt in Taekwondo and is becoming the next Michelangelo. I am four years older than my sister, Cara, yet she seems to have not only dozens of more trophies than me, but also the hearts of anyone she meets within a matter of minutes. With her beautiful golden curls, and her bright blue eyes, she is the envy of every girl who sets their eyes on her. Although, I know we aren't anything alike, I know I she watches my every move. As Dad said before Cara was born, "Being an older sibling is a great joy, but also a great responsibility."
I stop right before I reach the living room, wondering who our guest is so I can
determine whether my stay-at-home look is appropriate. The stranger has a deep, smooth
voice. Obviously a man. I decide not to risk embarrassing myself, and stand there until I
hear Mom offer him a drink. I groan, slightly louder than I should have, knowing that I'll just have to endure meeting someone new in sweat pants and a t-shirt. Thankfully, he
declines, and a few moments later, the front door is shut allowing me to have full access
to my house once again.
“Who was that?” I ask Mom, startling her.
“Gosh, Catie. Don’t sneak up on me like that.” She replies, blowing her golden bangs out
of her brown eyes.
I nod, walk into the kitchen, then plop onto the counter.
“That was our new neighbor, actually. His name is Daylen.” She starts pulling meat out of
the fridge, and I know her well enough to know that she’s thinking. A: She doesn’t know
what to cook. B: She doesn’t want to cook.
“Oh.” Immediately, my nosy side kicks in, and I can’t help but wonder what this family is
about.
“What do you want for dinner?” She asks, lifting her glass of water to her chapped lips.
“I don’t care.” She moans, and I hop down from the counter, already decided that I’m
going to check out our new neighbors.
After changing into something appropriate for public, I walk outside immediately
shivering from the cold November wind. My blond hair flies in my face, tempting me to
take my hands out of my pockets. Humph. The wind blown look is in style. I quickly walk
down our porch steps, watching the new neighbors carry furniture into their three story
yellow house.
End of chapter
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hey guys. Thanks very much for taking your time to read my story. Rena, I didn't mean to make the layout like that. I don't know what happened. I will probably go back and add more detail soon.
Hey,
First off, the way you wrote it was...strange. I don't think I liked that too much. Skipping and double spacing where you thought it should go. That wasn't too nice. Also, why was one paragraph in standard form? For background information? I guess.
Okay, besides this, wow. It is normally a challenge to write first person present tense but you pulled it off astonishingly. Congrats and good work.
Also, it's a turn off to tell the reader that a piece is slow or something. Don't do that. If anything, tell us its the best damn story we will ever read! Pull us in with false pretense! We don't care!
Okay, this was really good and maybe it's just me but I think something big is going to happen with these new neighbors and I can't wait to see.
Now, I know its just ch.1 pt. 1 but you might think about adding a little more detail to it. We want more information about Catie and her family. We want more on her sister and mother and where is her father? Things like that.
Over all, nice work and keep it up.
-Rena.
It's good, first off. You don't see present tense that often nowadays. Extremely boring beginning, though, like you've said. The math is a really, really, bad way to start the story, especially since it adds practically nothing. Axe it. The little sister part? Introduce this info when it actually adds and makes sense to the story. It's very out of context where it is, and it leaves the reader saying 'what was the point of that?' The neighbor part is disappointing because A. it goes nowhere, B. it's very dull, and C. gimmicks like this aren't very effective. Actually, A and B are the main problems of this whole piece. It doesn't dwell on any subject long enough to actually go anywhere, and the subject matter isn't very interesting. It just sounds like a normal day at my house, and who wants to read about that? I think you can probably just cut out everything in this part and just get to the story, introducing this info when necessary. Spare us all the exposition, please.
Keep Writing,
~Critiq
Hey I really liked it. I'm impressed with your style. First person, real time is extremely hard to do. You pulled it off very well. You had a certain intensity that kept me gripped. Your characters are very believable and your actions to show the story are excellent. Aside from a few grammatical errors, I saw nothing wrong with it. Although I was too enthralled with the story to watch for errors. haha. I loved it and I'm anxious to read more. Keep up the good work.
What happened here?
A little boring but you said that I was to be expected. While I understand that the story is going to get more interesting in the beginning it's always best to start it with a bang otherwise a reader might never get to the interesting part of the story because they are too bored with your story to continue on. Another problem is that the spacing between lines seems to have gotten messed up. Might want to look into that and see what the problem is. Other than those few things the story is fine and free of any grammar mistakes that I can see.If you ever need a review feel free to PM it to me.
Signed,
Lethero, The Alpha Male