**This is my first romantic story and this is based off my own experiences. As always, tell me what you think.**
As we walked step by step, shivering under our coats from the snow, Joel patiently waited for my response. Yet, I couldn’t give him an answer. Even though I knew exactly what I wanted to say.
“Kate,” he began, putting his hand on my shoulder. “What do you say? We have been friends forever now, and I really, really like you.”
I wanted to shout, ‘Yes! I would love to go out. I really like you too.’ but the words wouldn’t come. My vision was blurred with tears. Tears that I knew wouldn’t help me say what I truly felt.
“Joel, I-I don’t know. I mean, I’ll have to talk to my parents.” What a pathetic excuse.
“I’ve asked already. They don’t mind at all.” he chuckled, then said, “Who could say no to this face?” he grabbed my wrist and pulled me to a stop. His cold fingers gently pulled my face towards his. His bright, blue eyes were pleading. I wanted to fall into him, but something restrained me. Something I hated with a passion. His face drew closer to mine, inches away.
“Tell me when to stop.” he whispered, kissing my lips so gently and loving, there was no reason why I would say no.
“Stop.” I pulled away from him, forcing my legs to walk away. Tears boiled over now. Why don’t you just tell him you love him?
“Kate! Wait, I’m sorry. I shouldn-”
“Joel!” I shouted, not from anything he did, but because of what I was doing. “Just leave me alone. I can’t take you. All you do is pressure me.” I bit my tongue so hard I could taste the blood in my mouth. What did I just do? He’s never pressured me, he’s never raised his voice at me. He’s has always been the greatest friend you could ask for. Yet, I steadily push him away; until one day I know he’ll be gone for good.
“I what?” he asked, his voice dripping with shock. “I never meant to.” I spun around to meet his gaze. He was standing a few feet back, his face pained.
“That’s exactly it. Your always so nice, so perfect. I don’t deserve you.”
“Kate, how could you think that? I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you.”
He started to walk closer, and I began to back up.
“No, Joel. Just leave.” the words stung my tongue as they flew through my gritted teeth.
“Fine, Kate. But please, always know I’m waiting for you. And I always will be.”
________________________________
To be continued??
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
That was a sweet story and I really liked it. I'm waiting for more so keep it up. IN my case you just made one mistake when you started talking about the pressure thing. You're grammar was wrong but I really liked the story. I'm a sucker for love novles.
Keep it up!!
First off - nice story, I liked it. Sorry that it's based off a personal experience though.
Nit picks -
I think you get the point, if there is not a comma before the quote ends but a period, explanation point, or question mark then the next sentence needs to start with a capitol, not lowercase. But, that may just be a thing I do. Once again, it was a nice story.
Hey =]
So I liked this so far and I could only find a couple of nit-piks to point out =]
I think you should make the full stop a comma or 'but' 'But'
I'd get rid of 'then said' as it just makes the sentence sound awkward.
Capital H on 'he'
You've used 'pulled' twice here. Maybe replace one of them.
Full stop = comma
It might just be me, but I'd add 'that' before 'there'
I think 'he did' would read better as 'he'd done'
I'd split this into two sentences.
No need for 'has'
'Your' should be 'You're'
Capital T on 'the'
To make these sentences read better, I would suggest deleting the first 'always'
Overall;
I hope I've helped and as always, my suggestions are just that.
xDudettex
Thank you guys so much for all of your opinions. They truly mean a lot to me!
I will write more as soon as I can!
Ouch. That's really sad D: Other than that, this is really good. I can sort of relate to the MC because I've had friends who go through this type of thing.
I would like to read more of this. I want to see more of Kate and Joel's backstory together. Like how they met, or something like that.
Keep writing! This is rad!
Agreeing with TenYo, the 'yet' seemed a little out of place at the introduction. In fact, I found the intro kind of... not right? Sorry, lacking better words...
It just didn't seem phrased right, and you had commas and periods in all the wrong places sometimes.
And what does she mean by saying she doesn't deserve him? He likes her, she likes him, her parents even said it was okay. Then again, that's just me.
Concluding this...
I liked the way you set the mood, though, at the end. It was suitable and overall the writing was quite good, but there's definitely room for improvement.
Happy Writing!
WOW! This was really good, but you need to add a little more to the chapter. You don't have to but that's just my opinion. I really liked it. You should read my stories. They are called The Vampires Story. But I am waiting to read the second chapter. Happy writing!!!
Cassie
"There's nothing to fear but fear itself." Theodore Roosevelt.
Thank you both for your compliments and for the review.
I completely agree with you, TenYo. I will go back through and edit. Thank you for pointing these things out to me.
I will write a continuation soon!
The 'yet' in the first paragraph seems slightly out of place. I think it's because of the punctuation. Giving the word its own clause makes it seem more important than it is.
"Tears that I knew wouldn’t help me say what I truly felt," fragment. Try sticking a hyphon between the two sentences, instead of starting a new one. On its own the sentence doesn't really make sense.
"His cold fingers... His bright, blue eyes," try to avoid using the same word to begin consequetive sentences. Also, "Bright blue eyes" is a waay overused term, something you should probably try avoiding.
"Yet, I steadily push him away," there's the yet again. The change of tense in this sentence intrigues me, how it's 'push,' not 'pushed.'
I also love the italics. It's a good way to show the contrast in a protragonists thoughts and actions, and you've done it perfectly.
I think the whole issue of the mutual 'I don't deserve you' feeling, can be incredibly fragile, because it hurts both people without blaming either. You've managed to convey that sense of fragility beautifully. Good work!
wow...this must hav been a tough experience...I really hope you right a continuation
p.s stop running away from him obviously the feelings are mutual