I flipped on my television and saw Trump,
I could compare his hair to a camels hump,
He was to dumb for me so I made a channel jump,
I saw Hillary in her pants suit,
she won't have shallow men's vote because she is not that cute,
the channel cut to Mr.Bernie Sanders,
he reminds me of Ned Flanders,
if only Ned was an old guy with a weird accent,
Bernie was complaining about all of the money the U.S has spent,
the taxes are too high the oil wells are dry,
EVERYONE IS A RUSSIAN SPY!!!
Oh yeah, and Ben Carson is the only semi smart guy,
I want to throw them all in a river
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Hey Wonderfulpineapples9, I really liked your poem, I think you have a lot of talent, I only have a few suggestions.
I felt as if this was very rushed and some of the rhymes fell a little flat. They seemed a little bit like you just put them in there to make a rhyme. Like when you say,
I also feel like the ending was extremely rushed, I feel like you could have rhymed "river" with something else or even make "guy" rhyme with something else.
Other than that, this was a very fun poem to read!
Hey.
This can be made into a stanza. The trick to do it is to press Shift and Enter at the same time to go the new line. Anyway, these lines engage me to read the poem. However, some minor errors in spellings remove some of my enjoyment away. 'camels hump' should be 'camel's hump', while 'to dumb' should be 'too dumb'. Also, I think punctuation plays an important part here. The end of each line should have a period instead of a comma, since if we gather these lines together, it would be:
And that is a run-on sentence. A stanza is basically a sentence (or more) broken into lines, so be aware of that when someone reads the stanza.
What is the reference? I think you should use a better reference, because right now I assume only certain people could make out what you're trying to say. If that's the case, that's bad; a poem should be able to be digested by everyone.
I'd also like it if the line is not in all caps. It just makes it less seriously read, and it also seems to show the persona is shouting. It doesn't do good for a poem.
Anyway, I think this needs more work. I'd like it if the humor is subtly delivered--people can ponder into this poem longer if that happens. Making stanzas out of the poem would also help to make it more organized in terms of ideas, and create a flow it desperately needs. Improve and improve!
Hey, yo, wonderfulpineapples9! Stranger here on this wonderful Sunday and I have a review for you!
Alright, so, I'm going to be honest in this review. Note that I have nothing against you, nor is the poem bad. I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy because I'm missing something in my life (though I do wish somebody loved me), I'm going to give my criticism where I think it's needed. That being said, I've also been critiquing humorous poetry for quite a while now, so I'm probably going to come off as a jerk but it's all cool in the end. Let's jump in, shall we?
I didn't find this funny for a few reasons. First of all, you take the "I'M GOING TO MAKE FUN OF EVERY CANDIDATE SO IT'LL APPEAL TO EVERYONE" approach, which is probably the biggest problem. It seems kind of obvious you're striving to make people laugh, however the whole idea of being funny is not trying. Your jokes are forced, stilted, off-beat, and the way you presented it doesn't help at all.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard a joke about Trump's hair, I would have enough money to build a wall between the U.S and Mexico and make it out of diamond. Kidding, of course, but still. This joke is old, unbelievably old and lacks actual humor. This is what I meant by trying hard to make others laugh. You use stale internet jokes that we've all seen and use them to their full extent.
Grammar correction! You say "to", but in the context it's in, it should be "too". I could go on a huge rant about this, but I'll keep it short. When there's a lot of something, there's TOO much. When you're going some place or describing action, you want TO go there or you want TO do something.
Okay, so time for something not appropriate. I know a good amount of people who find Hilary Clinton attractive. I kid you not, it's true. Shallow men won't find other candidates attractive if Hilary isn't, so they might as well not cast a vote. A technical problem I have with this is that you drag on the second line way too long to fit in the joke. See, it doesn't come off as natural.
......then how is he like Ned Flanders? You said Bernie Sanders is like Ned Flanders, but how so if Ned Flanders has to change completely? It makes no sense to the reader. Also, Bernie's Jewish, so I don't know if I would call his accent weird.
Alright, so this one is more of a logical/personal nitpick. You reference McCarthyism here, however the only person that would make sense with is the one and only Donald J. Trump. Read up on it. Anyways, that line makes no sense. It's out of context or something like that. That's a sign that this has dove into the dreaded "Random" part of humor. I don't get the point of this, it doesn't seem to have wit, or cleverness. It's just, there.
Bernie Sanders is pretty smart by turning a good chunk of people into socialists.
Anyways, that's all I have to say. You use jokes we all know or that make no sense and try to make a rhyming poem out of it. Rhyming in poetry is already a handicap, so I don't blame you for me not liking this. If I could give you any tip for the future, don't rely on old jokes, and instead bring variation.
Keep writing and stay groovy.
This review is amazing. I wish everyone reviewed my stuff like this \^-^/
HA! XD This is great. This just made my day. I like "EVERYONE IS A RUSSIAN SPY!!!" and the last line. Awesome.
Thank you, I didn't think it would appeal to anyone's interest, especially since I'm just a kid making fun about politicians.