Once upon the twilight shine
The white rose bloomed in silence.
Its peddles fading every night,
Grew thorns to stop the violence.
.
And crimson red its peddles soaked
As blood shed painted white,
And fearful grew the rose of beauty
As slipped away the night.
.
So brave the rose now red had grown
As terror struck each night,
And sharper grew its bleeding thorns,
Which reddened all so white.
.
But, oh, the man who tried and tried
To pick the rose of night.
His hands grew scarred with every reach.
His skin did turn so white.
.
And since the rose would never love,
Its thorns drew blood with ease,
And bloodless left the man in death,
And blood became the seas.
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Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to begin that this poem kinds reminds me of Alice in Wonderland because of the white roses and how the rose symbolizes an evil yet selfish woman. In the beginning, I like how you say there is white rose being bloomed then you later say that the white rose is bring painted red with blood. Also the tone of this would be suspenseful since I am waiting for what is going to happen next or even ask the questions about how the rose got its red petals.
I enjoy how you made the rose symbolize a woman since most woman are roses, that take your money and your ego away. Then at the end of the poem, the "rose" is hunger for more blood or wants a man, where she can take away their "blood" to make her rose more red by the minute.
Also how might the readers could feel as if there is a person in their life that could be used as a rose in this poem (since there are some people out there, that just take your money or even your car and just drive it into the river).
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Thanks so much for the compliments all of you !
I love the feeling in this poem, especially the way that there's specifically a beginning middle and end. All are rememberable.
Hmm... Very intriguing. Almost like mythology. It's hard to make every line ryme, believe me, I've tried. Well done. But, I kinda did have a hard time figuring out what the rose represents. Greed I'm assuming? Oh whatever. It doesn't matter anyway! I'm just an idiot! XD. Still an outstanding poem though. *Gives a standing ovation* Bravo! Brovo! Oncore!
Nightmare's Rating: 4.9 out of 5 stars! Yay!
Hmm... Very intriguing. Almost like mythology. It's hard to make every line ryme, believe me, I've tried. Well done. But, I kinda did have a hard time figuring out what the rose represents. Greed I'm assuming? Oh whatever.
Nightmare's Rating: 4.9 out of 5 stars
I think this is the first time I've actually read the poem and not just skimmed it.
Dude, this is great, and I mean great. I love the metaphor of the rose and a woman, it's so perfect, and I enjoy the story you tell with it.
Now the story is your strongest point, as the white, pure rose, being repeatedly picked at, turn red and apathetic, eventually killing this person who kept trying to bother it.
Now, I was confused on one part; was the man the bad guy, or was he just a victim of what had occurred previously to the rose? That just made question the poem a bit, but that can be easily fixed.
Normally, I do say something about rhythm, but honestly, there's only one or two hiccups in this piece.
The first stanza reads a bit differently than the rest of the poem, I think just how you tried to rhyme silence with violence. As soon as you read stanza two, the rhythm meter picks up and stays constant the rest of the way, so I'm not sure how exactly to fix that first stanza. It's just something I think you should look at, not change entirely. ^^
"And crimson red its petals (typo btw) soaked" does not make sense. It read awkwardly.
Try changing it to something like this -> "Petals soaked in crimson splatter"
This way, it's read in easy context, and red isn't necessary 'cause most know crimson is a type of red.
The rest I see no issues or major problems, so good job!
I hope to see more work from you in the future.
Keep writing and Happy New Year!
~Maddie
The man was a victim. And thx for the critiques
This is truly beautiful in a slightly terrifying way. I liked the imagery you created with the red seeping through the white. It sounds quite personal and honestly can say I know a couple “roses” myself. The way you were able to capture in in words was truly magnificent. I have absolutely nothing to critique about this piece. It was perfect.