Dear world

Hello there. First off, I'd just like to take the time to commend yu on this powerful poem.

The choice of words sure did convey a message, a strong and emotional one. Second, I think you did a good job wrapping it up in the ending.

I really liked the line asking the world where were the warmer and kinder hearted. I found these to be unique and thought they added to the flow of the piece.

Some of the things I disliked, however are only minor. For example, I think you could switch up the commentary about dear world.. With such frequent use, it does seem rather bland.

Othee than that, I did like it, the wording, the idea was conveyed in an interesting way.

You have so much to say, you don't know where and how to put it. I can see a continuous flow of emotions, but what a poet does is - direct it. Word it. Make it say something.

Notice the portions in bold.

Dear world...

Who are you?
Where is that once held peace you had?
Who stole it, dear world, who did?
For this world was once good,
Or perhaps at least better than it was now
Who stole it, oh world, who stole your peace?

Death goes creeping around corners looking for it’s next target
Will I be next?
Lies and pain assist in this evil
Betrayal, it never ceases
Cold hearted ones clash with the warm
And I do fear, they create storms

Dear world...

Where is your pride?
You held it well, you held it strong
But perhaps it is no more
Kids, lazy, strikken to their technology, blind
Teenagers, stubborn, they may ignore all
Parents, not daring to care,
They help none
Where is your pride, oh world, where is your pride?

Oh world, what comes next?
A tsunami to wipe out life?
A hurricane to kill the world?
A disease that becomes an epidemic?
What comes next?
Will all begone?

I worry, oh world, I worry
Our path is no more clear
The rich fall, the weak rise
The anger drives, the sorrow kills
What becomes of them?
What will become of me?

Dear world, where are they?
The warmer, kinder hearted?
The rescuers, the helpers?
Yes, they are there, but why so little a group?
Oh I wish the world’s good would gain more rescuers
Dear world, where is the good?

Dear world, why..?

Why all the pain?
Why all the fight?
Why does death’s claws always go finding another!
Why does everyone feel so alone?

Dear world,
these are my thoughts to you
What will become of us?
But yet, what will become of you?

Dear God, oh God

I know there must be light!
For it never ceases
But why shall our dear world turn it’s back
Why does it turn it’s back on the light?
Why does it allow the pain to strive?!

I will always trust you, oh Lord
To find hope for the better
But what about the lost ones?
What will become of them?

Dear world, listen!
Be blind no more
Fight back!
I know you can
But...Dear you....Will you fight back?
Or let the pain prevail?

^

Hello there Wolf! Dogs here with your review. Okey dokey, to start things off I like this piece, you took a boring and overused topic and put your own spin on it which is good. I like how your address this to the world which is something I don't see much in poetry. I only have a few quick notes about this piece, let's dive in now shall we?

To start, I noticed that you capitalized the first letter of every single line. Although grammar is entirely up to the writer, I would urge you to use normal grammar and not capitalize each line. In my opinion it looks boring and sloppy whereas the variety of capitals and lowercase letters looks far better. Of course that's only me.

Also, I was unsure was to why you bolded the entire piece. It doesn't really seem to add to your writing, just curious. Anywho.

"Where is that once held peace you had?"

This line doesn't make much sense because it's worded a little oddly. I think that perhaps what you wanted to say was: "Where is the peace you once had." Omit all useless words whenever you can and get your point across to the reader as fast as possible usually.

"Or perhaps at least better than it was now"

Ok, I noticed this throughout your poem, but you don't use any periods in your writing. Only "..." or "!" or "?" which works for most the time, but at points such as this, periods are necessary. So just put a period after "now."

"Death goes creeping around corners looking for it’s next target"

Apart from my minor notes, your piece is looking pretty good until this line. It's excellent writing but it's a little too long in comparison to the rest of the poem. It sticks out like a sore thumb especially so because you follow it up with a short line. Try breaking this line into two different ones, so maybe say: "Death goes creeping around corners,/ looking for it's next target."
Furthermore, you mean to say "its" instead of "it's," because "it's" is a contraction for "it is."

The rest of your poem is pretty good except for those grammar errors and a few lines that are too long for the poem. Apart from that this is great writing and I really enjoyed reading it. I hope my comments were helpful and with some polishing this can be an excellent poem. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi there
Poetry isn't my forte, so perhaps this is the realm of somebody more qualified... but I can't resist sharing my thoughts here. I liked your language for a lot of this and the constant use of questioning the world suggested an air of uncertainty mixed with despair and helplessness. The way you address the world in more exasperated ways as the poem progresses was, I thought, excellent.

I'll go through and point out any issues that strike me:

"Kids, lazy, strikken to their technology, blind"

The correct spelling here is stricken. But perhaps you meant to say stuck, as I'm not sure stricken quite fits here.

"They may ignore all"

This just felt a little clunky and interrupted the flow.

"Yes, they are there, but why so little a group?
Oh I wish the world’s good would gain more rescuers"

Again, this bit just felt a little out of place.


On a side note, not quite related to my review, I'd like to point out that the world has never really known peace. Even the earliest hunter-gathering societies used to fight over resources. There is evidence that neanderthals, before they went extinct, were sometimes eaten by humans. It's a sad truth of humanity that we still have not stopped fighting each other, despite 12,000 years of civilisation.