z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Angel Fire : Chapter I

by wildlyabstract


She struggled to sleep that night as she tossed and turned about her large bed, in an attempt to find rest amongst the chaos of her mind, but to no avail. She stood with a great huff, and walked the distance across her room to open the balcony doors. She took a deep breath of cold air in, feeling euphoric as the oxygen rushed in and expanded her lungs. She allowed the remaining starlight that lingered in the air to be swallowed by her inhale, and her nerves relaxed.

Looking up to the sky, she saw the ink black canvas splattered with the tiny silver, flickering lights, as though a large hand had tossed diamond dust into the sky. She rested her elbows on the railing, folding her arms underneath her as she shivered slightly due to the bite of the breeze travelling through the material of her thin silk nightgown. She stared at the sky, feeling comfort in watching them as they gravitated this way and that. She could see, far into the distance, her mother standing on her silver glowing pedestal as she moved the stars with her hands. Astraea, being the goddess of stars, worked delicately and swiftly, directing the stars to and fro as she created the beauty that her young daughter stared in awe at every night. And of course, being the goddess of stars, her daughter, Aquila, named after the constellation of the celestial equator, would learn one day to use the same powers she has, in order to direct the stars for herself.

Aquila was lucky enough to look up and see her constellation, the very one Zeus had named after her when she was born. It resembled an eagle, one of which Zeus used as a carrier for his thunderbolts. She did not understand the connection between herself and the eagle. However, she was grateful that Zeus allowed such an honor to be held for her, her very own constellation. Being a goddess of stars, she supposed it was only fitting.

Whenever she looked up, she knew exactly who it was who was pushing stars across the sky like scattered moondust, and she smiled proudly for having such a mother who created such elegant and intricate beauty every night.

Her mother took a moment to look down upon the sleeping kingdom of Olympus, and immediately saw her insomnia-induced daughter watching her. Aquila sent a small wave and a smile at Astraea, and after it had been returned, she turned back to her room, as the galaxies behind her moved and spun silently on. She walked about her large room slowly, looking at the walls that she covered with her own paintings of the galaxies her mother had made. She had pictures of her and her friends, smiling and laughing, and she begun to smile as well. Her astrolabe sat in a corner of her room on a desk, papers with drawings and field notes scattered across it. She had an old, roundabout hanging above her desk with makeshift planets that her mother helped her carve from fallen stars, along with some real stars that her mother allowed her to use. They floated around her room elegantly, twinkling softly. The ceiling in her room had been painted by her as well, her constellation drawn right above her head where she slept. There truly was nothing Aquila loved more than the stars.

Astraea came down from the sky just as Apollo went up, signalling that daylight was coming, for Apollo was the sun god, whose job was to help the sun rise slowly and majestically each and every morning. Astraea came in through her daughter’s open balcony doors and entered her room, expecting to see her lively daughter awake, but Aquila had managed to fall asleep after a short while, much to her mother’s relief. Her poor daughter hardly got any sleep at all, and unfortunately, she felt it was her fault. She pressed a gentle kiss on her daughter’s forehead, skin glowing lightly from the star light that she absorbed that night. Leftover fallen stars shimmered and lightly floated down off of her long, dark dress when she moved, leaving a trail of glittering starlight on Aquila’s sleeping figure.

When Aquila woke a short time later, she sat up and immediately looked at the skin on her arms, seeing how it shimmered when she moved, and she smiled before getting out of bed. Her mother, whom never slept, was in the kitchen of their large palace like house cooking and humming to herself. Aquila stood in the doorway and watched her mother hum quietly while she cooked a delicious meal for her and her young daughter. She looked happy, but Aquila saw through the disguise. She knew her mother was lonely, after her father had died, but she continued with her work and paid no attention to her own loneliness: for she had a daughter to care for, and Aquila was all she needed to be happy.

“Aquila, why aren’t you dressed? Your classes begin soon,” Astraea saw the light glow radiating from her skin behind the doorway. Aquila moved from behind the door and stepped into the kitchen.

“Classes don’t begin for another hour,” Aquila stated, swaying lightly back and forth, for Aquila always felt the need to move in one way or another. The young gods and goddesses were required to go to daily classes in order to fulfill their minds and renew their powers until they became of age. Much like school down on Earth, the system was practically the same. However, they’re schooling was much more advanced.

“Dike,” Her mother warned, using her nickname to address her only daughter.

“Oh alright, alright,” Aquila laughed and turned back upstairs to dress and grab her books. Her smile glowed like a thousand twinkling lights, and it brought a smile to her mother’s face just by looking at it.

After putting on a dark blue dress and her sandals, the young goddess grabbed her books and some of the notes and drawings off of her desk and put them into her long, navy blue leather bag gently, and walked back to her mother in the kitchen.

“Thank you mother,” Aquila smiled brightly at her mother as she sat down to breakfast. Aquila’s smile made her blue eyes glow even more than they already did, and Astraea truly felt so much love looking at her only daughter, who had been growing to a beautiful young goddess. The mother and daughter spoke of Astraea’s night with the stars, Astraea speaking to her in full detail of the stars, as if each one had a story they told her the night before. Aquila smiled in awe at each one, her excitement growing each and every day at the thought of her one day going up into the stars with her mother each night.

Aquila finished eating quickly and with a kiss on the cheek for her mother, she left the palace and stepped out onto the light golden cobblestone street. The sun was shining lightly through the clouds, the wind a gentle breeze that ruffled Aquila’s dark brown hair.

“Hey, ‘Quila, wait up!” A voice yelled from behind her. She whipped around quickly and smiled instantly at the sight of one of her best friends. He was jogging towards her from across the cobblestone road, his golden blonde hair ruffled by the same wind that ruffled Aquila’s. His white shirt brought out the bright blue of his eyes, and there was a certain golden rim surrounding the azure color that glowed like a fire when he laughed. He smiled brightly, seemingly making the sun shine brighter. This, of course, was only capable by Apollo’s own son, Evander. A sun god that was the epitome of sunshine, both figuratively and literally.

Aquila laughed when her friend caught up to her, his chest heaving up and down lightly as he tried to catch his breath.

“Hi Aquila,” he breathed, and his smiled widened, which seemed positively impossible. And yet, Evander managed it, and know one quite knew how he did it.

“Hi Evander,” Aquila chuckled, and the pair began to walk towards the school once more, Aquila’s dark blue leather bag over her shoulder and a book wrapped up in her arms and pressed against her chest. Evander carried a single book in his right hand near his hip, as he constantly seemed to use his other hand to run it through his golden hair to mess up the already messy locks.

“Did you sleep at all last night?” Evander turned to her. She nodded with an excited smile.

“I did, actually. It was the first time in weeks,” she declared excitedly. Evander smiled brightly again, his white teeth gleaming, and Aquila found herself smiling back as Evander’s smile was purely contagious.

“Well I’m so glad. Gods know how much you need it,” he muttered. Compared to Aquila, who barely slept at all, Evander slept as much as he possibly could. He fell asleep almost as soon as the sun went down, and didn’t wake up until after it had risen. It only made sense though. His father was the same way. After powering the sun all day long, the father and son pair would always crash as soon as Apollo could let it go for the night.

“It felt nice,” Aquila nodded, “Though, I wish I had seen the galaxy shifting last night. My mother told me it was absolutely spectacular,” she finished. Every few years, one of the galaxies in the sky must shift and change, and that was the night Astraea was the busiest, and the most concentrated. It took all of her energy to shift a galaxy, and after so many years of experience, Astraea made sure to make each shifting different than the last in both beauty and skill.

“Oh yeah, I forgot last night was a shifting. I think my dad woke up for it for a little while, he said it was absolutely fantastic,” Evander recalled. Aquila would never forgive herself for falling asleep during a shifting, and promised herself instantly that she would never do it again.

The pair made it to the school grounds fairly quickly, and entered the white stone courtyard that was teeming with adolescent gods and goddesses. To and fro each one walked, chatter loudly echoing and bouncing off the pale stone walls.

Evander and Aquila walked passed one of the carved stone pillars, where a boy with brown hair and mischievous glowing green eyes was leaning against it, smirking at a young girl beside him. He looked up to meet the deep blue eyes of Aquila’s, and winked. She blushed and looked away, knowing exactly who it was that winked at her, and her and Evander continued to walk through the stone courtyard.

“Looks like someone is interested in you, Aquila,” Evander leaned in and whispered in her ear. He too knew exactly who it was that winked at his best friend, and he didn’t like it very much, but found it mildly entertaining all the same.

“Oh, no no no,” Aquila rushed, cheeks blazing a soft pink hue. “Asher is the son of Aphrodite, he is naturally flirtatious.” Evander gave her a knowing look. “And besides,” she continued, “for all we know, he was winking at you.” This time, she smirked lightly at Evander’s shocked expression. “Absolutely not,” he muttered to himself.

“Who’s winking at Evander?” a voice from behind called out confidently. The pair turned to find their other friend standing with her arms crossed over her chest.

“Asher winked at him, Rona,” Aquila smiled amusedly.

“He did not!” Evander rushed in in an attempt to save only a little bit of the ego he had left.

“Well, Evander, I didn’t know you swing that way. Although it truly doesn’t surprise me,” Rona laughed, her grey eyes closing momentarily while she threw her head back. Her long blonde hair flew around her face and landed in gentle waves, and her shark tooth necklace was tight against the base of her neck in full view as she did this. Rona was close to being identical with her father, the god of the sea. Poseidon was a loving man, with a sarcastic sense of humor, which was the only place Rona could have obtained it in the first place.

“Oh, you’ll regret that, puffer fish,” Evander’s blue eyes narrowed.

“Is that your way of commenting on my weight?” Rona retorted. Aquila made sure to step back as far as she could, in case things became physical. Her two best friends were known for arguing about something petty, and it usually ended in one of them being tackled to the floor. The majority of instances, it was Evander who ended up on the floor.

“I’m not saying anything,” Evander muttered, knowing he touched on a subject he probably shouldn’t have.

“If we weren’t going to be late for class, I’d have shoved you in that trash bin over there,” Rona muttered back, but smirked nonetheless. Their relationship was a speculation, but no one could deny their obvious love for each other, much like a sibling rivalry that was secretly full of admiration.

The trio made their way into their first class, which happened to be literature. Rona and Aquila sat beside each other while Evander took a seat behind Aquila, who in fact happened to be in the exact seat Asher wished to sit in. The son of Aphrodite entered the room with a confident air, and took the seat beside Evander, figuring it was close enough.. Evander rolled his eyes lightly in annoyance as Asher immediately spread himself out across the desk as much as he could, slouching down and spreading his legs out before him. Rona looked at Aquila knowingly with eyebrows raised, but Aquila kept her chin up and her eyes forward.

The class had begun 20 minutes before he entered. He had a tendency for being late, and it happened to be a tendency he cared very deeply for maintaining. He enjoyed entering late, not simply for the sole purpose of only having to be in class for a shorter time period, but because the professors were constantly becoming annoyed by his disrupting the class, an action he strived to achieve on a daily basis. He knew that the professors wouldn’t dare take the matter up with his parents, so they let him be with silent disapproval, which he lived for.

Atlas, the son of Hades, stepped into the large classroom with a smirk when the professor cut off his entire speech about the work of Aristotle to glare at him standing in the doorway. His black attire stood out like a single thorn among a large bouquet of roses. His tousled dark brown hair illuminated his fierce blue eyes and his scowl that was seemingly permanent across his tan face.

Normally, he would take a seat without being asked, as far away from the professor and the group of onlooking peers as he could. He would slouch down, unhappily, and refuse to open any books that were being talked about. Atlas knew everything already, but he never told anyone.

It was a shame really, for Atlas was one of the most intelligent gods in Olympus, but no one knew that. He refused to let anyone know his hidden talents, and instead, he intimidated them with his piercing glare and his darkened attitude. No one knew him well enough to know these talents, for he hated the other people on Mount Olympus. Everyone, except for his mother.

Aquila had watched him enter the classroom late for years. It was strange to her, to find a person who hated life as much as he did. It made sense, considering his blood and his home, but it still made Aquila curious. She also wondered, no matter how harsh Atlas was towards the rest of the world, why women were so absolutely in love with him. Of course, she wasn’t blind. She could see just how ruggedly appealing he was. His eyes were icy blue, like all the myriad shades of deep color swirled together to form a whirlpool of apprehension in his eyes. His dark brown eyebrows were constantly tilted downward, as were his thin pink lips. He constantly looked angry, which in turn made his tan, rugged face look older in comparison. He had a shade of light facial hair that accentuated his cheekbones and jawline. Aquila was no fool: she clearly saw exactly why women fell on their knees in his presence. He was beautiful, however, his personality was his largest flaw.

She watched as he came in late on this particular day. His lips were parted slightly, his chest heaving up and down slowly, as if he actually made an effort to be there, even though she knew it was not the case. His eyebrows were cast down harshly, making his blue eyes glow coldly. The professor had momentarily paused, the classroom was filled with silence in his presence. He noticed this as well, and his usual frowning lips turned upward at the corner to provide a devilish smirk, his pride gleaming with each passing moment of absolute silence.

As he went to his seat, the eyes of the class were cast downward, looking at nearly everything but him as he walked past them all, his eyes narrowing in their general direction. However, there was one girl that never shied away from his intimidating glower: the girl in a blue dress with shining blue eyes that resembled a starry night sky. He always found her boldness somewhat intriguing, but never paid much attention to it. However, he was having a fairly horrible day, and so the son of Hades cast a stronger, harsher scowl directly towards her on his way to his seat in the back. What the girl did next would confuse Atlas for years, and he still would have no explanation for it. Aquila, seeing Atlas’ fixed glare on her due to her consistent staring, decided at that moment that all this man needed was some fixed kindness directed towards him, and so, she smiled at him. 


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81 Reviews


Points: 2620
Reviews: 81

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Thu Mar 02, 2017 4:18 am
skylnn00writes wrote a review...



"She took a deep breath of cold air in," the in seems kind of in an awkward place. Maybe you could take the "in" out since the next sentence explains that the air is going in.

"She rested her elbows on the railing, folding her arms underneath her as she shivered slightly due to the bite of the breeze travelling through the material of her thin silk nightgown." this sentence seems kind of long. My grammar isn't the greatest so I cannot confidently tell you that it's a run on, but I will say that reading it, i realized it was a bit lengthy. You could make sneak a period in there somewhere.

I love the part with the moving stars in the beginning. I too love to look at the stars at night when I can see them.

"After putting on a dark blue dress and her sandals, the young goddess grabbed her books and some of the notes and drawings off of her desk and put them into her long, navy blue leather bag gently, and walked back to her mother in the kitchen." For this paragraph, maybe you could say "drawings off of her desk and gently placed them into her long, navy blue..." the wording just seemed a bit off to me.

"who had been growing to a beautiful young goddess." you might want to change this into "who had been growing into a beautiful young goddess." It just sounds better in my opinion.

"...his golden blonde hair ruffled by the same wind that ruffled Aquila's." I think you can take out that last part and leave it at "...his golden blonde hair also flying around with the wind." It is clear that it is the same wind since there is only one wind.

I love Evander's description. He sounds adorable and I sense some chemistry between these two "friends".

"And yet, Evanser managed it, and know one quite knew how he did it." Just a small typo here, I think you meant "no one quite knew"

Leg sontanrly seemed to use his other hand to run it through his golden hair to mess up..." i don't think you need to restate the fact that his hair is golden so you can leave that out.

"Evander and Aquila walked passed one of the carved stone pillars, where a boy with brown hair and mischievous glowing green eyes was leaning against it, smirking at a young girl beside him. He looked up to meet the deep blue eyes of Aquila’s, and winked. She blushed and looked away, knowing exactly who it was that winked at her, and her and Evander continued to walk through the stone courtyard."
Ok so I would change a couple things in this paragraph if I were you. First thing being the glowing before green eyes. I think mischievous sums it up nicely. Also, again I want to say that you can take out the depiction of "deep blue" for Aquila's eyes. When you mention her eyes, I as a reader remember that they are very blue from your description of them before. Lastly, for the last sentence I would reword it to say "she blushed and looked away, knowing exactly who had winked, and her and Evander continued to walk through the stone courtyard." The two she's there just didn't read nicely.

"He would slouch down, unhappily, and refuse to..." you can take out the first comma and leave one just after unhappily.

I love the ending. I love this story. I want to read more. Pleeease write more. I feel in love with it from the very beginning. My review above is just my opinion and my attempt to fix what seem to me like grammatical errors. I really love your descriptive writing. You are good so don't get discouraged.

I hope this review helps you :smt001






Thanks a bunch! This was definitely helpful, and you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that you love it. Thank you!



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14 Reviews


Points: 78
Reviews: 14

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Tue Feb 28, 2017 7:47 pm
Wizard wrote a review...



Heyo, how do ya do, my friend?

I have free period right now, so let's start this thing up! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But first, we must remember to be prepared for any scenario, and so I will purchase my life insurance before continuing with this review. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8aerTyW_rw

Now that we have our post-mortem financial matters settled, we may jump into the revieeeeeew!

So, first point... oh yeah! Introductions are always a great thing to start with! So, in the first paragraph of the chapter we are given a nice hook with beings that are able to manipulate stars, solid imagery and good scenery. However, I would like to throw out a small nitpick. The use of "she" in this opening was abundant, and even a little annoying. Stating the characters name earlier, or replacing "she" with "the woman" or something like that would help to break up the needless repetition that makes up this first paragraph. (Side note: we also see the phrase "being goddess of the stars" be repeated twice within a couple sentences, which sounds a bit sloppy as well.)

We see this same problem emerge with the introduction of Atlas. At first, the reader is left confused about what character is being referred to due to an entire paragraph filled with "he's" which proceeds the introduction of the son of Hades's name. Not only does the use of "he" wear out it's welcome fast, in this case, but it also confuses and disorientates the reader's perspective in a work which otherwise has very smooth and comfortable pacing.

Finally, I will comment on the final minor flaw I found in the story, which is a matter of perspective in the last paragraph. Through the whole chapter the reader has been given a third person limited perspective that follows Aquila. But in this last paragraph we are inexplicably switched to the perspective of Atlas, as is evidenced by the narrator commenting on things that could not possibly be known from the perspective of Aquila, such as what Atlas things of Aquila's boldness. Then, we are thrown back into Aquila's point of view when she decides to smile at Atlas. This is a needless shift in perspective, in my opinion that interrupts the rhythm of the story.

Overall, we have a great piece of writing here, with lovable characters, good flow, stellar scenery and body language, and a general healthy balance between these concepts. A few flaws are here and there, sure, but that's nothing a second draft won't clean up! I look forward to reading more, and hope to see you soon!

Cheers,
-Wizard






Thanks a bunch! That was very insightful. And kudos to you for getting your insurance figured out as well:)




“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451