Published March 4, 2010
Zimbabwe my home,
For we may be separated,
But I will all ways remember you,
The Accasia tree in the garden,
The blood red roses,
John my friend I miss you,
You were the best friend I could ever have,
Juliana I always smile when I hear your name,
You were always there with a comforting smile,
The times that we had were the best of my life,
But fear not we will all be reunited again one day,
When that day comes I shall cry tears of joy,
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141,395 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
'Ello Wiggy my dear! Review time!
I like this poem, it's got a great feel to it, and I enjoy it, you portray the message very well. Now I have to disagree with Elinor, while yes the punctuation isn't great, I didn't feel like it downgraded the poem very much. I hardly noticed it in fact.
One little thing before I go.
You used smile very close together here, that to me makes it lose part of it's flow, so you might want to fix that.
Good job!
~Hope
Hi. This is a nice piece with a heartfelt message, but sadly it suffers from punctuation errors which detract from the poem. You use commas to end sentences when you should use periods, you don't have commas where you should have them, among other problems. Take a look below.
You should have a comma after Zimbabwe. Secondly, commas do not end sentences, and I'd replace this bit with an exclamation because it adds feeling and this starts off in the style of an old ballad.
Notes: always is one word, spelled like so. About the first line, I'd rewrite it. It doesn't seem to make much sense when you consider the context. Maybe, "Although I've left forever" would be better.
Comma after John.
Comma after Juliana.
I didn't find anything else besides your use of commas to end sentence. It's nothing you can't fix. That's all I have to say. PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor
Hey there!
The message and recollections of home you portray in this poetry are top notch, which shows that your writing and basic structure is pretty good. So I'll say "Good start".
The reason why I say "start" is because I think it needs a little revision on end-of-line punctuation, i.e. sometimes you use commas when a full stop/period would work better abd there's the odd typo, such as this:
always
As well as what I've mentioned I think there's also some great set-up lines of description but you don't follow them through. Sometimes the narration is a little jumpy and perhaps a re-read will help you to understand what I'm getting at.
Wonderful writing though,
Keep it up.
Ben
Dear wiggy1
this piece of writing is so heart felt! I love the emotions you release and the phrase
...The blood red roses...!
~sionarama