It was a perfectly normal day for Nick Christmas. Or as normal as a day can be for someone called Nick Christmas. It started out with a trip to good old Evergreen Junior High, where the day started out with the usual Evergreen tree, Old Saint Nick Jokes, and the daily stares from the popular girls pointing and snickering at him, making gagging noises. Ah, the joys of being Nick.
As you expected, Nick was not your normal type of guy. Along with his name, he was also a social outcast because of his parents. Mr and Mrs Christmas did not understand the definition of "normal. The Christmas's were the owners of a Inn in the outskirts of Hollows, Connecticut that was famous for their not so skilled chef, creaky stairs and odd guests. It was never weird for Nick to be doing homework and all of a sudden have someone barging into his room in a robe and towel by accident. So when the girl with the emerad eyes walked up to the reception desk, Nick couldn't help but stare.
She was captivating. Her midnight black wavy hair was pulled into a high ponytail at the top of her head, flyaway hairs, falling into her face. Her face was pulled into a scowl, rose lips in a pouting shape, thin nose wrinkling at the smell of the smell of chicken feet soup blowing in from the kitchen. Then her eyes. Her eyes. They looked almost fake they were so perfect. They where briliant emerald green with little flecks of blue dotting them, perfectly placed on her angular face. They were staring right at Nick as if he was a dead bird on the road.
The girl was wearing a black longsleeved t-shirt, blue skinny jeans, and snow covered red rainboots. She was not wearing any jacket, which was very surprising to Nick, as it was fall in Connecticut and was freezing outside. Even stranger, she had a necklace shaped like an eye on her chest, that Nick could swear was changing color. She walked up to the scratched wooden desk and swung a blue canvas backpack she was holding over her shoulder. Nick stammered,
"Hello, welcome to Clemintine Inn. H-how may I help you?" She looked about the same age as Nick, 15, when she was up close. She rolled her eyes and sighed.
"May I have a room please?" she looked him dead in the eyes. Nick gulped.
"Umm, do you have any money?" he asked, hesitantly. She did not look old enough to have a job, and Nick did not see her parents anywhere. She reached into her bag and pulled out two hundred dollar bills.
"Will this be enough for one night?" she asked impatiently. Nicks jaw dropped, staring at the money. He had never touched a hundred dollar bill before, much less had any himself. How did she get that much money? He wondered to himself. Nick carefully took the bills and slid the in the cash register. He the pulled out fifty dollars change and a room key handed it to the girl. "Thanks.", she said, wlaking over to the stairs, without even asking where the room was. Nick stared after her in a daze. To anyone else, this wouldn't have been that strange, but Nick had a gut feeling that this girl was different.
Because Nick was Nick, instead of just going to bed like a normal person and forgetting about the whole encounter, he decided to find out what was going on. After brushing his teeth, combing his light brown hair, covering any pimples, dressing in a black coat, blue jeans, and converse, Nick deemed himself ready to go talk to the girl.
Nick had put her in room 28, so he tiptoed up the stairs, walked up to the door and raised his hand to knock. Before he could however, the door swung open, knocking Nick out of the way. The girl did not seem to notice him and started off down the stairs. This time, she was still wearing her necklace, but there was no backpack in sight, only a small picture tucked into her hand. Nick decided to follow, making sure his feet only touched the safe path in the stairs, a way he had figured out when he was little to walk down the stairs without creaking and waking up the guests at night.
Once they got downstairs, the girl looked around, a nervous expression on her face, and snuck out of the door. At this point, Nick did not know what to do. So he made the wrong decision, like always, and followed her.
A gust of wind tousled Nick's hair when he stepped outside. It was dark out, and the sky was nearly as black as the girls hair, so her light face was illuminated by the darkness. She looked back and fourth once she reached the bottom of the steps, then started to run.
Nick was startled and had to sprint to keep up with her. It was like she had been running for years. She was barely breaking a sweat, while trailing behind her Nick was practically a hippo with no legs in comparison. After a minute of running, the girl stopped in the town square. There was no one there, for it was late. The only thing that was illuminated were the streetlamps and a big neon sign reading: Pumpkin Patch This Way!!! She slowly walked up to the sign and brushed her fingertips against the snow on top. She slowly walked over to the pumpkin patch and stopped by the scarecrow, setting down her bag on top of the picture. Nick creeped up behind the sign and watched.
The girl reached into her bag and pulled out a match box. She seemed tense, constantly checking behind her to make sure that nobody was watching. Nick tried even harder to be careful and ducked even lower behind the sign. The girl pulled out a single match from the box and lit it. Then, to Nick's astonishment, she set the burning match on the ground and started to move the fire.
Her hands seemed to radiate the light, each move of the hand more intricate and more delicate than the last. Nick had to hold in a gasp when he saw the fire take shape, burning bigger, brighter into the shape of a tiger, the stripes outlined by the white hot flames. The girl smiled as she made the tiger run around her, beautiful, and terrifying. Then, a sudden gust of wind blew and the picture tucked under her bag came loose and blew straight into Nick's hands. He stared at the girl, praying that she did not notice. She, to his relief, seemed oblivious, and even after the gust of wind, the fire had not changed shape.
Nick carefully took the picture and looked at it closely. It was a picture of a woman, a beautiful woman who deeply resembled the girl. She was laughing, holding a drink in her hand, her face so full of joy, he could practically hear her laugh. When he looked up, she was standing in his face.
"Give it back!" she yelled reaching out for it. She yanked the picture out of his hands, shoving it in her pocket, backing away from him slowly. "What did you see?" She demanded, grabbing her backpack. She started rummaging through her contents and pulled out a wooden tree branch. Holding it in front of her like a weapon. "I said, WHAT DID YOU SEE?!?" She screamed the next part and glared at Nick.
Nick gulped. "Nothing," he said, "Just the fire thing." Well, that was stupid.
The girl slammed him to the ground. "You can never tell anyone this. Ever. Got that?" Nick nodded frantically. "Good.", she said clamly. "But you still have to come with me."
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Hey, 17! Here's a short review for your work.
Well, as always, I will start writing about the title. The title is indeed one which can get a reader's attention. It got mine, too. It gives you the idea of the basic theme or plot of your story. So, your title does a good job.
I liked the beginning. The first two lines increases your interest to read the whole story. Well, I felt this throughout the story. I thought, your description was able to hold the attention of the reader.
Again, I found some grammatical mistakes. It's usual for anyone to do such things. But you should read the story again and try to reconstruct some lines. I think , it will make the story even better.
However , here are two things that I would like to tell you-
In the third line, you used "started out" two times. I would like different verbs. You wrote - "Then her eyes. Her eyes. They looked..." I think it would be better if it's written like this -"Then her eyes. Her eyes-they looked..."
Ok, 17, this is all I would tell you. I enjoyed the story. So, I am hoping to read more of your works.
Yay! Thanks so much!
You're welcome.
Hello!
It's pretty awesome.
Here's what I found...
So I saw this in RFT, and I just had to come review it.
Fourth should be forth.
Instead of combining the question and exclamation marks, you could italicize the phrase.
I think here would be a great way to use 'showing language'. You could comment something after that about how her eyes flared just as the fire had...or something.
Other than that, I thought this was awesome!
~Snazzy, Pencil, Penicillin, etc...
Stay awesome!
Yay! Thank you so much!!!!!
Your writing is really entertaining, and the story is also really good. I actually laughed out loud at the part about the leg less hippo; it pretty much describes all my attempts at exercise. There was one thing though: didn't the girl leave the Inn without her bag, and then when she got to where she was going she had it? Apart from that and a few typos it was a really good story.
YAY! I am glad you liked it! I swear I mentioned her taking her bag.... OH! Oops. I forgot. Thanks for pointing that out!