PS: Rx ASAP
You need a pill (what a pill) just to breathe
Stomach muscles contract, clench, collide
Just hey...justa hand...justa hang on for the ride
Elastic bands are tightening
you need a pill (what a pill) object so frightening
jaw bones subtract, and crash...collide
Just hey....justa hand....justa hang on for the ride
PPS: On BBC
Ever more is broadcasting
Fading out your chastity
endless wit among the fumes
that your Heart and Soul and Sigh consume
inject but regret your rejection
of Freedom to choose freedom to speak freedom...to forget.
All things under the Moon
Justa hey....justa hand...contraband.
Justa hey...no other way...Justa hang.
Just hey, just hand, justa another rant.
Justa hey, justa hand, justa hang on for the ride.
[/i]
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Which parts were weak? Which confusing? And you never suggested what to change. And as for studying poetry-- did you mean lyrics? Or did you actually mean poetry? Try to be more... helpful in your critiques. Not that I'm not grateful-- really, I am.
Thanks,
~Ed
It was ok. I didn't feel like I was rapped around it. Some parts were week.
Some things were confusing, it was to short too.
I am, sorry, it didn't do it for me. Study poetry. Man, I am feel like Claudette. Sorry, It needs some work.
Don't give up.
-- M.B.Author
I'll do an edit eventually :p
But yeah...I'd also love to hear this to music. I'm intrigued as to how it would turn out myself.
But I'm no musician, by any stretch of the words.
So I'll have to sit wondering.
Oh, and if you link me to some of your pieces, I'll gladly crit them. I could only find one piece of yours, and I'd already commented.
Sooooo, yeah
Haha, I might take you up on that -- I had meant to crit this way earlier, but somehow ... forgot. Anyways, I really enjoyed this. In fact, I'd be very interested to see this put to music with the acronyms and all; depending on how you did it, it could be very cool indeed.
I can see nothing wrong with stanza one or two. Stanza three, however, becomes a little befuddled in places. In Lines 5-7, the line breaks and enjambment were kind of throwing me off; there are probably better places to break, yeah? And maybe it's me, but the "all things under the moon" line seems totally superfluous -- you have a full stop, but then move right back into the refrain. I guess if you meant for it to "bridge the gap" between the two, it's not needed.
Thanks for the read, whence, I enjoyed it immensely.
Until next time,
Skye
Thankee much, oregon.
Any crits?
anyone?
[I'll give 2 in return :p ]
good job again! you are doing really well on these!