She lay there and heard the screaming of the girl next door.
She closed her eyes and twisted onto her stomach. It wasn’t any comfier. The cold concrete block she used as a bed was in the middle of the room, where she lay every night wishing to get out of this cell.
She pushed herself up with her arms and twisted herself to sit on it. She stared at the blank wall in front of her. The grey concrete was so smooth and dull, with only a little vent at the bottom that connected to the next cell , where the screaming girl was. She had studied those walls too many times, there was nothing better to do.
She heard footsteps from outside and turned to see the huge glass window that let her look out to the corridor and then the other cell in front of her. She walked up to it and saw a man walking down it. He passes all of the cells, passed the screaming girl and faced her.
His slick black hair had so much hair gel in it that it would be as hard as a rock, and his pale skin contested against it. He was dressed in a black pinstriped suit, and had a gun on the left side of his belt. His eyes weren’t kind and the way he then stood in front of her gave her a bad impression.
She stared at him while he clicked a switch on the side of the wall. A bright light came on instantly as if he was putting her on the spot.
“You hungry?” he asked.
She stared at him blankly. Had he just asked the most ridiculous question ever? They hadn’t fed her for days. But she was so hungry that she had no appetite and didn’t want to give into this man who ever he was.
“No? Ok then I’ll just have to eat this apple?” he said while he chucked an apple out of nowhere up in the air and caught it with ease. He then bit a huge chunk off of it and chewed it while he said.
“Are you sure you don’t want anything, it’s awfully tasty.”
She wanted to smash through the glass and snatch the apple out of his hand. He could see what she thought, she could tell by the way he smiled at her.
“I’ll give you this when you tell me some information I want ok?”
She turned her back on him and started to walk towards the back. She didn’t want her hear his voice anymore, so many people had tried to get information out of her while she was here, but none of them had managed.
“Ah you’re a shy one aren’t you.” He laughed.
“Oh come on, if you tell me this we’ll let you out of here.” he said
"Liar.” She whispered.
“What was that, I didn’t catch that?”
“Liar.” She spat out at him. “You’re a liar you all are!” she screamed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First of all ... Welcome to the Young Writers Society !!
Welcome to YWS, and good luck!
On to the review:
She lay there and heard the screaming of the girl next door. Nice opening line; it immediatly grabs the readers attention, which is very good.
It wasn’t any comfier. I'm not too fond of the word "comfier", to be honest. I bet you could find a better word to place in that sentence.
The cold concrete block she used as a bed was in the middle of the room, where she lay every night wishing to get out of this cell. Good, though you could expand on this. Show us, don't tell us. So it is a cold, concrete block... how does that feel against her back? Does the cold seem to seep right through her skin? Also create some atmosphere for the cell; I can't visualize it at all. So it has bare walls; okay. But what else? No stains of leaking rainwater that is slowly seeping into the cracks of the ceiling? No scratches in the wall that your character can think about?
She heard footsteps from outside and turned to see the huge glass window that let her look out to the corridor and then the other cell in front of her. Rephrase this sentence, it doesn't flow.
Also; I think you mean "contrast" and not "contest" when you refer to the man's pale skin. And.. dreamworkx pointed out a lot of the nitpicks already, so I won't go into those.
Overall I do think it's a good start for a story; although it clearly needs expanding.
Well done
Feel free to PM for anything.
XxxDo
Hey whatever1274, welcome to YWS!
I see that you've already made one review and that's awesome! If you make one more I'll review this for you.
We like to keep a 2:1 ratio on reviews to submissions here, meaning that for everything you submit for review we ask that you review at least two stories or poems.
Once you've made at least one other review, PM me and I'll be happy to review this for you!
-Carly
Phrased incorrectly. Should be: It wasn't any more comfortable.
Should be something like this: She heard footsteps from outside and turned to stare out the huge glass window that looked out over the corridor and the other cell in front of her.
Passes should be passed
I'm pretty sure you used contested incorrectly in this statement. It means to compete against, and I don't think that's what you meant. Did you mean: his pale skin stood out next to it?
Huh? If she was hungry how could she not have an appetite? Also, put a comma after man.
Instead of a question mark at the end, it should be a period.
Should be: "I'll give you this when you give me the information I want, ok?"
The first part should be: She didn't want to hear his voice anymore.
Also, since they are two different statements, seperate them with a period between anymore and so.
Question mark after you.
Period after liar.
So I think you might be onto something here. I wish you could have at least given us the name of the narrater, though. Also, I reviewed your other untitled story, and my advice is to stick to just writing one story because it can be a hassle to write two different things at once.
Ciao baby,
Dreamworx95,
XOXO