z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

So you drive a BMW?

by wendylau98


I threw off my vest at the chair before I glid the bar counter at a private garden, without a word the bartender gave me a cup of my favourite. 

Enjoying the moment I can salvage at this corner. 

When a couple stood beside me

It was not him, but her that had my attention.

A hug-tight red dress and her hair were salon-perfect. She was irresistible to look away. 

Her boyfriend noticed of my stare, with a smug look, he slammed a key on the counter.

I took a look. BMW Z4.

I gave a polite smile and casually took out a Maserati, Buggati, Audi, Rolls Royce, Porsche, and Ferrari keys and place it slowly on the counter. Leaving some keys in my pocket to keep it real.

The air went quiet.

"Hrmm...I can't seem to find the Lambo." I mumbled to myself.

The man immediately dragged his girlfriend whose eyes were sparkling looking at those keys.

Laughing, I pocketed all the keys and chucked down the lime juice.

What a fool that dares to compete for keys with a parking jockey like me?


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Wed Jul 20, 2022 9:29 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Well! That’s one way to get the girl! How funny! He doesn’t even own those cars but the other guy doesn’t know that! I also thought this was a cute little story to read it I am bored or anything.No one even thought for a second that the vest belonged to him.Don’t mess with the parking jockey or you will get slammed! I hope that you will have a fun and amazing day and night.




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Sun Mar 04, 2018 9:46 am
Chitz says...



Too good dude. The end was amazing.




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Thu Mar 01, 2018 4:46 pm
Que wrote a review...



Hey wendylau!

At first sight, this story seems almost formatted like a poem. It’s got shorter lines, and only two together at most. I would suggest putting some of these together to make more of a paragraph, and then you can leave certain lines by themselves to make them stand out more in the story. You could also add some more description to these lines to make the story a bit longer — I know it’s short and sweet, and I like the ending, but it does seem a little abrupt, like a part of a larger whole. Maybe you could give a little more background in the beginning leading up to the narrator’s interaction.

I try not to be too nitpicky, but there were some grammar issues here, so I’m just going to point them out really quickly.

I threw off my vest at the chair before I glid the bar counter at a private garden

I think you could go with “I threw off my vest” or “I threw my vest at the chair” — the combo of both sounds rather odd. I’m not sure what “glid” is, but if you meant either “glide” or “slid”, I don’t see either of those really fitting in there. What were you trying to say?

It was not him, but her that had my attention.

I think it’s proper to use “he” and “she” here instead. And maybe “who” in place of “that”? The sentence seems to be structured a little oddly so I’m not sure.

That’s about it for specific grammar, but some of your phrasing seems a little bit strange. Maybe play with the lines and different ways to say things so you can get the best out of a line — I think that’s particularly important in shorter pieces. Make sure every line has the meaning you want it to.

There are some things that I think can be easily added to, unless you really want to keep it short. I think there could be more of an impact if you were to expand it outwards a bit.
Enjoying the moment I can salvage at this corner.

For example, I think this just begs the question, “Before what?” If the narrator is salvaging time, does that mean there will be a time when the narrator can’t go back there? It seems to hint at something to come, but it only remains a hint. Maybe you could drop some more clues about it, which would also reveal a bit more about the narrator, whom we know nearly nothing about.

Of the whole piece, this was my favorite line:
I gave a polite smile and casually took out a Maserati, Buggati, Audi, Rolls Royce, Porsche, and Ferrari keys and place it slowly on the counter. Leaving some keys in my pocket to keep it real.

You should probably take out the “a” before Maserati, though. But anyway, I think it’s probably one of the funniest because of the polite smile and the casual action of the narrator — that’s very telling. The very last sentence with the “keep it real” bit seems to also tell a bit about the narrator, but not a lot about the rest of the story does. Maybe you can keep this line in mind and try to bring more of the narrator’s style into the rest of the story.

Keep writing! Feel free to let me know if you have any questions. :)

-Q




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Thu Mar 01, 2018 2:49 pm
dawnlaney98 says...



Hi Wendy!!!! I AM FINALLY ON YWS!
So, as what you told me, I go review and post and review and post. I shall review yours first!
You told me about this story a few days ago. But, you failed to mention the can't seem to find the Lambo. Hahahaha, I love this. I should post mine soon too right?
So, byebye!




wendylau98 says...


I forgot to mention, Lan, word limit 250 min words for a review. So, you gave me a comment instead. Anyway, proud to finally haul your laziness to read and give.



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Thu Mar 01, 2018 1:56 pm
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Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here to provide feedback.

Thanks for sharing this story with its surprising ending. I was wondering why this fellow would have all those keys! LOL! I really enjoyed reading this story since it is well planned in its purpose. I like the way it slowly builds up the drama to a conclusion

I wrote down some suggestions related to grammar which will add clarity.

Not sure what glidding the bar counter is.


....garden[.][W]ithout a word....

....[she] that had my attention.

[]my stare[.] [W]ith....

I gave a polite smile [I smiled politely]

keys...[them]

What fool dares to compete....?




wendylau98 says...


Radrook! Thanks for the grammar correction. My grammar hasn't been a strong suit. I try my hardest to sharpen it well.

Hope to see you again!




It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain