The root of my demise.
The fruit of my despair.
Took my heart, and broke it.
Yet lips so soft so sweet
The smile to ignite the desire.
Destroying you was then, yet wrecked I was first.
Heart broke with cold stare.
Shattered the stone cold hardness.
Ice as cold as coal.
You did it
Walls of barrier, years of old.
Strip and tear reduced to tears.
Rebuild a heart, not like diamond.
Like the wind or lightning.
Fierce and loud.
Yet never a solid existence.
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Not a review, but just wanted to say this poem has a strong rhythm, with short and punchy lines. I liked these in particular:
The alliteration and the assonance really get across the physicality of this 'cold' emotion that breaks the speaker's heart. Great job!
I'm not very good at reading and interpreting poems, but the poem seems to be about what is left over after a long period of suffering and anger.
I like your first two lines and how they parallel each other by referring to plants/nature, rhyming, and conveying your suffering. You could extend this comparison between yourself and plants further into the poem since you make many comparisons to other aspects of nature throughout your poem. This could help put more emphasis on your first two lines and make the poem seem more unified.
I also really like your last 4 lines. I think that the simile is very powerful and an interesting and effective way to communicate the instability you may feel after a traumatic event.
My thoughts on this poem: (It might be wrong.) The person narrating had been broken by a toxic relationship that had a lot of tears , fighting and running back to each other.Maybe it’s not a love poem.It’s just a relationship in general.Lies hidden behind a smile.Cold state concealed by fleeting looks of kindness which aren’t constant.I hope that you will have a nice and lovely day and night.
Hi, this is Kelisot.
I found your poetry interesting from the start of this title. The name Eye Coal can be interpreted in different ways, such as having the eyes of coal or coals having eyes (?) and other different perspectives and interpretations.
Your poem started amazing.
I personally believe that what made the two lines a "punchline" is due to how similar the wordings are, with similar structure. Both roots and fruits are part of a plant and botanical, with demise and despair being two similar words with negative connotations with similar letters. I liked this little trick of your
Spoiler
The personal interpretation. I interpreted your poem as a narrator talking to someone else, who the narrator seemed to hate in the past but no longer is. The narrator starts by stating the two lines of how the two objects had broke their heart, who possibly was the hated being. Yet, the narrator continues talking and realizing several faults about hating, and realizing how rather they were wrong to hate the hated being.
Eventually, the theme of "Eyes Coal" is explained, with how the heart is rebuilt not like diamond, stable yet unstable-- like coal. This is more better, as both coal and diamond are made of carbon that is structured differently, telling how relative the two words are, like the two comparison of demise and despair.
I enjoyed reading your poem. Have a good time and enjoy the small things in your life. May your life become a Slice of Life.