Young Writers Society

There are a lot of really good ideas here. You do a great job of evoking emotion with your writing. You are very straight forwards with the events in this poem and for all intents and purposes this technique plays perfectly.

Sadly, there are simply to many grammatical throughout the poem for the reader to stay connected to the narrative. In some cases it is almost impossible to understand what you are trying to say. This causes the reader to stop and thus interrupts the flow of the poem.

I would suggest going back over your poem and focusing syntax (which is where many of the errors lie.) I understand what your going for with this work but it is important to express yourself correctly.

Radrook here to offer a review., Please feel free to reject any suggestion you feel isn’t helpful. If I offend please accept my apology-it is not intended.

I really enjoyed reading this story of a period of six years that were very turbulent for the person describing it. The frustration involved comes through clearly and made me recall similar emotions that I experienced under similar circumstances. So it did effectively elicit the empathy which it was designed to. The hopes of the speaker, the false accusations she suffered , the false promises and expectations of forgiveness, the feeling of hopelessnesses followed by emotions of hope and then the final resignation that admits that things are ultimately out of our control and that very often we are just along for the rind and not the ones who really determine the ultimate destination where things will end up. That ending is superb since it brings that poignant fact to the fore and gives the preceding poem the interlacing theme and purpose.

Suggestions:

The the tenses shift from past to present and I added suggestions on how to keep everying more consistent in that time-frame area. Other suggestions are placed in brackets alongside the statements. Also, the poem would read smoother if the first letter of each line were not capitalized by default. It made me pause repeatedly to see whther a new sentence was staring or whether it was a continuation of the previous line.


To me, it has passed a lifetime [....it’s been a lifetime]

I like you, you like me [....liked you....]

But six years ago

It got complicated [....turned, became....]

My best friend likes you too [....liked....]

So, I was a fool

I gave up, I lose you [....lost....]

Then you see only her [....you saw....]

Till you realize she wasn’t the one for you [....realized....]

Your chapter with her ended. [....had ended.]

But, My war with her started [had just started[.]]

A boyfriend[-]snatcher they called me.

You’re my foundation. [ You were my foundation.]

I’m not yours. [wasn’t yours]

But never you did you know, [but you never did, you know?]

You’re no longer mine. [were no longer....]

A perfect match they say [said]

Mad, anguish, sorrow, pain [Anger anguish,....]

All I felt [I felt them all.]

I lose you again [....lost....]

My hope broke when you swore, [....was broken....]

Six months past [....passed[.]]

We stray away [....strayed....]

I stayed here [remained]

I went to you [.]

You went further [....retreated farther]
Did you ever? [....miss me?]

No, you never did[.]

I became to anger [I was angered] [I began to anger]

Time went, time passed [redundancy]

Till my pain turn to smile [....turned to.... became a....]

We, a something that never is [We are something....]

I was at blissed, I was safe [....blissful....]

Why? I asked. [“Why?”]

Life. You answered [“Life.” you....]

Six months past. [passed]

With me not by your arm [your side]

Married to a girl I not know [....know not[.]]

Married to a girl, not for you [wrong for you [.]]

Promise of a lifetime that should be me [....mine[.]]

Promise of happiness that never be me [ ....happiness not meant for me[.]]

A happy ending, dream once had [....,just a dream...]

I forgave you but not me. [....but not myself.]

Until you walk into my life [....you walked....]



All in all a fine poem. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

.

Wow, this is good! I liked that you let the reader choose the ending, which is cool in itself, but is made even cooler by the fact that your reasoning was that the ending would never be yours anyway. Also, the fact that at certain parts, the lines were shorter, and at others, they were longer really contributed well to the overall feeling of the piece. This poem is really very good.

Anyway, I noticed a couple of mistakes:

In the line "But, My war with her started" "My" does not need to be capitalized.

In the line "But never you did you know," the first "you" is unnecessary.

In the line "But I made you waited far too long" "waited" should be replaced with "wait"

Twice in the poem you wrote "Six months past" which should say "Six months passed"

The line "I became to anger" should be rewritten either as "I became angry" or "I now felt anger"

The line "Till my pain turn to smile" should say either "Till my pain turned to a smile" or "Till my pain turned to smiling"

The line "Married to a girl I not know" should be "Married to a girl I do not know"

The line "promise of a lifetime that should be me" should be rewritten as "promise of a lifetime that should be to me" or "promise of a lifetime, that should be to me"

The line "Promise of happiness that never be me" should be rewritten as "Promise of happiness that will never be to me" or "Promise of happiness that will never be mine"


Keep writing!

That's beautiful. I usually get mad without a happy ending, but this is just to beautiful to get mad over. I love the simplicity it implies. Is it based on a true story?

Wow, that the s really good. Is this a true story. I think it is very good.
Please keep writing poems.
It is cool how you have an option to have the ending as the reader wants.
I will keep reading your work.
You obviously are serious about this.
I hope that you keep up the good work.

Hey guyss!
Thanks for being with me throughout YWS!

@Flumadiddle @saentiel @alliyah @LittleFox @izanami

Hey! Congrats for such an amazing work. Here's a quick review.

Truely speaking, I don't have words and I mean it. Like this is something more than tragedy, several loss of hopes and immense pain. I could feel the strong emotion of love that was always intact and the numerous breakthroughs, coming back and again separation.

Firstly, a situation where you and your best friend like the same guy is the most troubling experience. Even thinking about it can disturb anyone deeply. And then the boyfriend snatcher part. A lot of pain. This society is hard to understand. Always wants the person to work according to them and imposing their opinions every time.

Then those separations and coming backs. Really painful. Needs great strength to withstand the situation of seeing the person whom you love becoming someone else special and he returning again to you every time he's in tears. Always being there for him. True love.

And the ending, breathtaking. Divorce and a child. One more time coming to you and expecting that your life means nothing. He can come and go anytime he wants. But you were always holded by the love you had for him. True but sad.

You have really written an amazing thing. Believe me. No lies. I could feel the agony. Your writing style, words, format, everything was at place. Also I don't want to suggest any changes cause its beautiful itself and an experience far beyond anyone's understanding. Done a fabulous work.

Can't wait to read more of you. (Apology for the review being too long and mostly about my feelings toward the poem. But its amazing.)

~~chitz.