The sun basked on the spotless void space with its late morning sun, the arena was pouring in the elites, the excitement of the last test was still coursing in their veins, whispers and tales of rising of Elites set against one another were tales absorb into legends.
Today marks Wendolyn's first day of being a True Elite. People gathered around, salvaging what was left of their group of friends, silently feeling sorry for those who didn't pass the test, who still join the ranks of New Elites.
Chatters of people around drown out any significant conversation but a loud excited male voice came from behind her "Did you see! Your performance was the best yesterday."
"Of course she knows, it's her performance." answered a girl chilling voice. "and it was last week."
"You know what I mean, and I lost track of time," he replied, accompanied by a white bright smile.
"I know.'
Wendolyn turns to see the identical twin from yesterday, both bore the same hair colour and eyes- hazel brown, they are the infamous duo who specialize in agility, Carlos and Chloen.
"I believed your father would be proud of you this time," Chloen replied calmly.
Wendolyn seems to frown slightly from that statement but was not picked up clearly by the younger twin, Carlos. "We're here to pick up dummies then we'll be gone to the forest. Ain't skipping training if you're worried."
"Let's go, Clifton's here."
As if on cue, a loud voice called to attention. "Gather!". Sir Clifton was walking in dragging a basket of training sword in.
She turned back to excuse herself but just to realized the twins were already entering the storage room across the arena.
"Today after battle formation test, we will learn on one to one duel. Everyone pick up a training sword and pick a partner and fight."
"You mean the wooden toy sword you're holding?" a boy sarcastically answered.
"Yes. With proper handling. It still could..." He proceeds to pick up a wooden sword from the basket and walk slowly to the boy. In a flash, he swung the sword down the boy's shoulder.
Everyone could only register what happened when a loud shriek escaped from the boy's lips.
"You spoke out of turn. Heal yourself, by now you should know some spells." He spoke with a warm smile that brings chills to the spine.
Everyone was picking up the wooden sword slowly and silently, after healing himself, he didn't even dare to carry his head to look up.
Wendolyn was the last to get the sword when the True Elites new instructor spoke up, "I'm sorry, girl, not you. You don't get to train for this."
Wendolyn puzzled and frowning face snapped up, demanding an answer.
"Geralt."
Completely defeated by that one word, she dropped the wooden sword back to the basket.
So this is the punishment.
-------------------------------------
What Wendolyn did not know is that her punishment did not stop at the wooden sword, even when they change to a real sword, she was still ordered to stand back.
It was the third day, the sun was hanging low in the sky. She was annoyed, angry. A headache was looming it, the sound of crashing metal and energy was vibrating through her brain. It was getting worst. Her heart ar in wild, her hand inside the glove itch, yearning for a sword.
"Sir, you can't possibly think you can stop me from combat." She spooked up to him after he comments on a girl fora girl weak defence for legs.
"I like to see you try. No one dares to defy my orders." He taunts her.
It was bloodlust, a bloodlust under control. She knew what she was doing, but through the blindness of madness, she didn't care. She was in the rage that she walk with energy burning behind her trail.
"I challenge anyone, for a combat. Winner takes my sword." Eyes landed on the sword she shed, it was no ordinary sword. This sword is the First Sword gifted to General Geralt by the King. It was handed down to Wendolyn as a second sword was gifted.
But with such a prize, no one dared to step further, the silence was her only opponent.
"I do not want to say, but I told you so." Sir Clifton placed his hand on his hip and sigh loudly.
"Why?"
"Your father's order."
"Absurd. Are you going to follow his order till you die?" She spoke through grind teeth.
"Till my death."
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Hello!
I was excited at the thought of a potential dual! But that didn't happen sadly. :/ In any case, there was lots of mention of swords and I like swords so bonus~
I did find this a little hard to follow though. I'm not sure why, I think it's a combination of things, but it was hard to stay focused on the story and what was being said. I think it may have partly been that there was a fair amount of grammar mistakes and things that changed the meaning of words and such, so maybe that's what it was. But also it was hard to picture what was happening- we didn't get much description of what was happening, or what the characters were thinking/feeling etc. And when there is a lack of those things, it feels like things are jumping along too fast, and it's confusing because we don't really know what's happening or why these things are happening.
The beginning of the story, it starts of kind of telling us what's happening, which kinda takes the mystery out of things. My suggestion is to try to just show us and let the story unfold as we go- maybe have someone congratulate the character if you want us to know that she'd down well at something.
The other thing I wanted to mention is you dialogue! It's mostly fine, but I wanted to mention; don't be afraid to use 'he said/she said'. It can be confusing if there isn't a quick tag like that, because you'd be surprised how easy and fast you can get lost reading dialogue without 'he said/she saids'. My advice is to have the majority of your dialogue with either a he said or a she said.
Also, this may just be because I'm jumping in on this part of the story, but why are they not letting the girl train? I feel like I missed this in previous parts, but I also feel that a little more info could be used in this piece, because if it was so obvious that all the girl needed was a name to remind her of why she wouldn't be allowed to train, then why did she need the reminder at all?
I hope this was helpful! Keep it up! I wonder what she'll do about not being able to train and how this will effect her long-term.
-Socks
Radrook here to provide a review. Please note that if I offend in any way manner or form it was totally unintentional and I offer my apology beforehand. I only provide my opinion to help others become better writers and nothing else. Please note that the typos are due to my lazy eye that causes me to see two keyboards. That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this episode in what I assume to be a part of a novel. So I will assume that the previous chapters have properly introduced all the characters that are being mentioned instead of launching them off without any background. I like the balance that you strike between dialogue and scenery. Also, the story does have drama due to the conflict created by aspirations limited by societal rules.
In short, it is man or woman against society in this instance as opposed to man against nature, against himself, against God, etc. In this case the protagonist is a female, Wendolyn who aspires to join the ranks of the Elites. I assumed that all this was explained in previous chapters or else will unravel and be explained slowly as the tale develops.
Suggestion:
Please fix the spacing. It is very distracting to swivel the eyeballs constantly that way.
Try not to jump from present tense to past. Stay on one tense.