E - Everyone

General Behind Me #2 Concentrate

Light was barely peeking through before the start of dawn. Weak orange streak were fighting to gain power over the sky. The outlines of the arena are becoming clearer and even the seats surround me seems more white than gray, dawn is here for sure.

The land surround me was barren with just granite covering all without any cracks or scratches on it's reflective surface. Above were stepping up rows of seats, no sign of being worn over time, it was polished and perfect white. The whole circumference of the arena is the Palava’s Flag, Eternal glory accompanied with the Elites flag – a roaring lion head.

I remembered 4 years ago when I first step into this arena. I was breathless, dizzy, and claustrophobic. It makes no sense; this is a large open space. But it was too perfect, too clean, too barren, and too new. It felt like the seats are like judging eyes, watching every move, the wall listen to every sound I make. It was alive, and angry; any mistake done and the ground can just open up and gobble me.

Until now, I still don’t like this place. No marks of battle were made, Hundreds and thousands combat has been fought, yet all the scar of losses and marks of winning was completely erased by magic to the original state. All knows, even the birds know, this place is as ancient as it can be.

I stood at the middle of the circle, struggling to focus on my training, trying to conjure up three layer of defensive shield. I was stuck in a dilemma, if I were to conjure three layers, it is clumsy and poorly woven between the shields; if I were to construct the shield into a hard shield, I was only able to make two layers. I was mad at myself that I don’t seem to improve since an hour ago. I had the theory right; ever since I see the High Elites conjure in their test combat few days ago, just a day before mine, I was practicing it in my head over and over. Now! I don’t even know what’s wrong!

“Kiddo, if you countinue being this mad making a shield, you might burn yourself off.” A voice startled me.

I search for a figure beyond the red conjure I’m holding up. Red lines and illegible letters were all around me but then I saw the owner of the voice. I immediately dropped my shield and straighten myself up.

The approaching man was into his mid-fifties now, but standing tall with a well-toned and muscular tanned body, his fine physique was widely known, and still fired the envy of many younger man. Covering his face was a thick, groomed beard, it was black with white streak as well as his hair that was tied back.

“Congratulation on your performance last week, you have improved far greater than the others. In fact, your first day showed us an impressive battle. That boy might look strong, but he is still bitter inside till this day.” Sir Clifton complimented me while a carefree smile.

“Hmm.”

“Maybe a word of thanks would actually suffice.”

“Thanks.”

“…or two.” He signed. “I saw you just now, trying to make a triple shield? That is very impressive. Far beyond your age. Why am I even surprised? You always master skills ahead of everyone your class.” He mumbled last few sentence.

I passively watched him as he gets into a ready stance. “Remember, a shield does not measure its strength by how many layers. Because no matter how thick the shield is it is still one layer; every layer is connected. So, instead of making a new layer, split them.” He then gracefully turned his palm out and created a thick layer of shield, then with a hard push of the palm. The shield spilt apart into three and eventually reconnect to make three layers knitted closely together. “Now, your turn.”

I readied myself and easily created a single layer. I imagine that I was in a quiet room and there was a straw dummy in front. I stood up and took out my sword, cleanly and swiftly slice the straw dummy into three equal part,  it float midair and slowly hit the floor. I open my eyes and took a deep breath. Tiredness was nagging at the corner of my mind, but I push it away. I took another deep breath, I manage to split it into three, three uneven layers.

“Good, now. Practice some more until you are able to split it evenly.” He gave me a thumb up.

I shake my hands to relax and tried again. “Stop.” Sir Clifton interrupted me. I immediately put down my arms. “What goes around in that tiny head of yours? You have this permanent brow that could scare me away.” He walked toward me and raised his hand intending to poke at my forehead.

Instinct washed over me as I raised my arm to block hardly of his threat of touching me.

I moved before I even realize what was happening.

“Sorry!” I panicky step backward, not knowing what else to do and said, I bowed hashly and dashed off to the exit. My footsteps rang loudly across this deafening silence. Leaving a flabbergasted frozen knight behind.

My father would hear of it.


Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
WyvrynScribe
Review

I like where you're heading, and I think you've progressed the story well from the last part. Still waiting for the clear up on her families behavior though, but make sure you don't rush it just cause of me! The transition was nice, and your description was on point, but you seem to be struggling with grammar and wording.

light was barely cracking to starts it’s dawn.

Light should be capitalized, and the wording feels awkward. Try something like "Light was barely reaching over the horizon." or "Light was barely peeking through before the start of dawn.". Make sure to have the flow feel natural.
The land surround me was barren with just granite covering all with no cracks nor scratch on the reflective floor.

it should be surrounding and you probably meant just a granite covering. Add a comma between covering and all. The flow feels off in the latter part of the sentence, try something like "all without any cracks or scratches on it's reflective surface.". Experiment and see what best suits you.
I search for a figure beyond the red figure I’m holding up.

Figure is used too often, and is too vague for both. Try finding synonyms.
his fineness physique was widely known,

Fineness doesn't fit, it should be fine or another adjective.
Covered his face was a thick, groomed beard was black with white streak
He signed.

It should either be covering or you should switch it to after his face was. You have a lot of problems switching between present and past tenses, try going in with only one in mind.
Because no many how thick

*Matter
I immediately pull down my arms.

*put
Instinct over washed me as I raised my arm to block hardly of his threat to touch me.

This sentence is very confusing, so I'll break it down. It should be washed over, but you came close. 'to block hardly of his' here I think hardly of is a bit redundant. 'his threat to touch me.' try his threat of touching me.

Overall it's good story wise, though I'd recommend a thorough proof read, and try getting word order and flow down. If you need any help feel free to ask me! I have way too much time on my hands!

Hello, WyvrynScribe,

Thank you for the reviewing, much appreciated on the correction you'd given me. A thorough proofread, sure!. If I have anything to ask you, I would, (since you have too much free time, haha).

Anyway, thank you again. Hope you'll stay for the next chapter and those to come.

User avatar
Zoom
Review
Zoom wrote a review · Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:52 am

Hello. Zoom here for a review.

Firstly, I just wanted to commend you for writing this well using a secondary language.
I did notice a lot of spelling mistakes, grammar & punctuation issues etc. Do you use any kind of spell check / grammar software? If you do not have Microsoft Word there are some free websites you can use to catch these things. Let me know if you would prefer me to point them out so we can talk about them. For now I am going to ignore them.

Weak orange streak were fighting to gain power over the sky.


I think this imagery is confusing. It’s because you use the word “weak” to describe the streaks, but then use words like “fighting” and “power” which contradict “weak”. Overall, it’s unclear what is meant by this description.

I remembered 4 years ago when I first step into this arena. I was breathless, dizzy, and claustrophobic. It makes no sense; this is a large open space. But it was too perfect, too clean, too barren, and too new. It felt like the seats are like judging eyes, watching every move, the wall listen to every sound I make. It was alive, and angry; any mistake done and the ground can just open up and gobble me.


Again, I’m ignoring all the simple mistakes. But this paragraph was pretty good! I really felt like I could imagine the scenery and how this character felt. Good job!

All knows, even the birds know, this place is as ancient as it can be.


Haha, I like “even the birds know”

A voice appeared beside me.


I’m going to point out this word choice here. “Appeared” implies the subject is physical, which a voice isn’t.

My father would hear of it.


Oooh. Nice build-up of tension here.

Overall this was really good! I can only imagine how great your writing is in your first language.

Even with the mistakes, I was pulled into the story and forgot I was reviewing for the whole second half. I liked the explanation of how to conjure a three-layered shield.

I actually have a question, I found it odd that the protag was trying to make a magic shield, but then drew a physical sword (I think it was physical?) – can people in this world not make magic swords too? It’s not necessarily an issue, but if I continued reading I would definitely want a clear answer to that at some point.

I think your story is flowing really well, it doesn’t drag in any areas and pushes along at an enjoyable pace.

Again, good job.

-Zoom

Hello, Zoom! Thanks for the review.

About the spelling mistakes, grammar and punctuation. I am using Microsoft Words to type first then I use Grammarly to double check it. But only just now, I realized I was using my country's English and not UK/US. I reset it, it detected hashly (hastily) and many underline at short dialogue - it has no recommended correction. On the other hand, punctuation is a large concern of mine, for a long time, punctuation has been a minor part in my English syllabus. Imagine my surprise to think it plays such a large part in fiction writing. I would appreciate if any of my mistakes can be pointed out. Recommending me of some free checking website/application that is much more effective would do too.

Weak light but fighting. I can see the uncanny juxtaposition.

Much thanks about "voice appearing." Good to learn about it.

It is a physical sword in her mind. They can make magic swords too, but using magic drains their energy faster. Physical swords are permanent and not needing magic energy. Wendollyn prefers physical weapon. There are magics that enhance physical swords too. Sneakpeak!

Anyway, Thank you very much for the compliment!

~Wendy



'They are afraid of nothing,' I grumbled, watching their approach through the window. 'Together, they would brave Satan and all his legions.'
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights