I have tried to write poems
about you
But your essence is so strong I can’t pen
I have started a line then crossed it out
And done it all over again
Because whether you realize it or not
You’re just too many wonderful things
You’re made up of all the best bits of life
With a chocolate heart and a warm sunny smile
That melts the world in all the best ways
Every word that you speak
Should be written in stone
Every word that you write
Sung over and over again
And when I look up happiness
There should be a picture of you
When you sing, when you laugh
When you’re sad, when you cry
Either it would make everyone happy
The world should know, it needs to know
That amidst all the darkness and war
There’s a beacon of hope that will lead the way
And it shines bright in your eyes
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Dear weirdbookworm,
I must say, I am quite fond of this poem of yours! The only two complaints I have is the lack of punctuation and one little line. The line I'm talking about is "Either it would make everyone happy". Either it makes people happy, or it does what? Please either add another line here, or take this line out. As for the punctuation, I'm glad that you use at least some. I can see the occasional comma, and some apostrophes, but it could use a little more. Most people assume that poems don't need punctuation, and while they are right, it isn't absolutely necessary, it can be appreciated. If someone were to read this out loud, they might read it as one gigantic run on sentence, which is definitely bad. Other than that, however, I can't really detect any errors.
Now on to the compliments. The sentence "That melts the world in all the best ways" really rings a bell with me because of how descriptive it is, without being overly so. You can easily imagine how someone would feel if the one being described smiled at them thanks to this sentence. I'm also fond of the message of this story, that people could look to this person and seek hope and guidance (or at least, that is what the narrator thinks). This really struck a chord with me as well, but for a different, and darker reason, than the one listed above.
If you place yourselves in the shoes of the one being described, it could be a very different picture than the one described here by the narrator. Imagine if EVERYONE looked to you to bring them joy. What if people thought that you're smile would never crumble, and that if it did, then all hope is lost. No matter how bad you felt, no matter how much you might be dying inside, you could never let it show. You would have to stand there, showing the world how happy you are in order to make them feel good about themselves, when in reality, you might feel anything but happy.
I'm sorry for closing on such a dark note, but in a way, these thoughts that your poem brings me makes the read all the sweeter. I love the way you describe everything, and I'm sorry for interpreting this the way I did. Please keep writing magificent things like this, and have a good day!
Sincerely, chhlovebooks
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
This is a lovely poem. I enjoyed the message you have behind this and how in the beginning, the narrator wrote poems as an attempt of getting the person (who they want to read this) read this. There seems to be some sort of imagery throughout here also it could be related to some people.
To begin, I feel like the spacing shouldn't be all one stanza. There should be different stanzas, easier for the reader to read when they read the poem. For this, I would suggest pressing ctrl + enter as it can give you easy spacing for poems and such ^^
Another thing I like to point out is that there is no punctuation. How does the narrator feel? Where do they breath when they finish a stanza? This could example it a bit more: Punctuation and Poetry.
Everything you write, needs to drag in the reader. For this poem, it doesn't have the feeling for most poems. However, it can be changed. For example, try re-reading it in your head until you come with something meaningful and put it on paper. Then mess with the words a little until you have a good beginning.
The next line confuses me. I don't think "pen" should be used a verb here. Maybe "write" or "express".
This stanza is a good one. It seems to truly come from the heart and could relate to few people. However, I want to see more colorful words used in your poems. The more colorful words you use, the more sounding you can be. As I said for the first line, try to re-read over your lines.
The use of started in this line doesn't seemed to be the correct use of it. Started, as what you used it, seems to be like drawn a line out. However started as it seemed should be used as get up and go. Thus for this one line, I think you should use "drawn out a line". Another suggestion, delete crossed it out
Done seems to be the past participle and this whole poem seems to be in the present (if I am correct?) it is proper english to say that "and did it all over again" since you did in the past-- Past participle and past tense do not mean the same thing (PP means the form of a verb, typically ending in -ed in English, that is used in forming perfect and passive tenses and sometimes as an adjective; PT means a tense expressing an action that has happened or a state that previously existed.).
So for this line, I suggest 'did it all over again'
This part seems to be the chorus or the good feeling part. Mostly it seems to be the twist from the beginning (as for most poems, there should be a climax/twist to satisfy the readers). Also don't forget to add punctuation
Overall, this was a lovely poem! I enjoyed it deeply and feel it could relate to those who read it. If you like me to go over anything or if you have any question, let me know!
Steggy
Hello there weirdbookworm ^_^ I'm here to review your poem!
I love this poem so much! It justs makes me feel all happy and fuzzy inside reading it, because I can relate to this poem a lot! I find it hard to describe how awesome some is, and this poem just defines that! I'm SO happy I found it! XD
Keep up the writing, because I really did like this poem A LOT.
Huggles from Born Loser ^.^