The sands of forever
Sift and slide into tomorrow
There is nothing left for you here
They mumble and sigh
The struggle to abstain
Leaves one wanting
Needing something to fill the void
Cast upon the shores of nevermore
I spy pieces of
My once great sorrow
Questions never asked
Drifting on the breeze
Come back to me
With the freezing wind
And so I float alone
With my wintery ire
Looking for and needing
The walls of solace
To wrap my heart around
They are empty comfort
Quick to cast me aside
Lost again in dark woods
As was meant be
I spy a crumbling edifice
Lit up against the night
A refuge from Shadows
Where folks make merry
There faces are eternal sadness
Where is this place called nowhere
Not in the halls of
The somewhere in-between
I have been there
And tasted the tongues of liars
There sweetness left me bitter
Compared to it I am
But a memory without a dream
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi, Sakin here! This is really amazing and I love the way it paints a picture in the reader's mind. In the topic, the point you are trying to get across seems to be coming out really well, and that's great too. I didn't see any mistakes, but I could have overlooked something. If you have anything else you need reviewed, please just send me a link, I'd be more than happy to take a look at it!
~Forsakinshadow~
PS: This deserves a 'like'.
Ooh, this is nice.
There are a couple of typos, so I am going to point them out!
The sands of forever
Sift and slide into tomorrow
There is nothing left for you here
They mumble and sigh
The struggle to abstain
Leaves one wanting
Needing something to fill the void <-- This whole stanza is a bit confusing. Do you mean "they struggle to abstain" or are you talking about the struggle? Also, who is they? Describing this will help smooth out this stanza greatly! Also, loving the sands metaphor.
Cast upon the shores of nevermore
I spy pieces of
My once great sorrow
Questions never asked
Drifting on the breeze
Come back to me
With the freezing wind <-- With this stanza, I think you can really help shape it with punctuation. As it is, it sounds rather flat, but look at what a little punctuation can do....
Cast upon the shores of nevermore!
I spy pieces of
My once great sorrow.
Questions never asked
Drifting on the breeze:
Come back to me.
So definitely have fun with that!
Lost again in dark woods
As was meant be
I spy a crumbling edifice
Lit up against the night
A refuge from Shadows
Where folks make merry
There faces are eternal sadness <-- "There" is "Their"
Where is this place called nowhere
Not in the halls of
The somewhere in-between
I have been there
And tasted the tongues of liars
There sweetness left me bitter <-- "Their" should be "There"
Compared to it I am
But a memory without a dream
But yeah! Definitely see how you can shape this poem with punctuation. This is already good, but it'll be soooo much better!