Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Alex bolted up dazed and confused to the sound of his 80’s style alarm clock. God he hated that thing but it had been with him ever since he was a little kid and he really liked the nostalgia of simpler times. He gently pressed the button to turn it off and rolled out of bed reluctant to get the day started.
Today was the first day of his senior year, he was excited but nervous all at the same time. His dad just got transferred to Philadelphia so he was starting his senior year in a brand new place with brand new people and no idea of what he was going to do with his life. He gingerly walked down the stairs to the smell of bacon and maple syrup.
His mom always had some special first day of the school year breakfast ready for him. “Good morning sleepy head," his mom said to the sight of a groggy Alex, “Are you ready for your first day of senior year?” “As ready as I’ll ever be I suppose”, Alex replied. He sat down and just stared at his pancakes and bacon in the shape of a smiley face on his plate not really sure if he was even hungry. Of course to make his mom feel better he ate anyway and gathered his notebooks and bookbag and headed out the door.
He hopped in his car which was average at best. Just a regular white sedan, basically an old grandma car. He didn’t mind though, it was better than riding the bus that’s for sure. He made his way to school and was awestruck at the amount of people filing into the building.
His hometown prior to moving only had a population of a couple thousand which is a drastic change to the big city. After staring at the school for a little too long he looked up and had to slam on his brakes.
There just inches from the bumper was one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen. Platinum blonde hair and curves that would make the Colorado river jealous, but her eyes are what caught his attention most. One bright blue and the other a dull gray. The sound of her hand slapping the hood and yelling watch it brought him back to his senses and he just mouthed the word ‘Sorry’. She just brushed it off and in a huff started walking towards the building.
Alex quickly parked the car and looked at his schedule trying to figure out where he needed to go first. “History, of course let’s just start the day with the boring one huh” he scoffed.
Alex got into the building found his room and sat in the back of the class like he always did. Alex wasn’t a terrible student, in fact he was actually really smart and just got bored sitting there learning stuff he has known for years. He mostly just spent his time making little doodles in his notebook waiting for the teacher to stop talking and the bell to ring.
The first day went by really slow as all the teacher were giving all the introductions and explaining the objectives for the coming school year. Finally though it was time for lunch. Alex walked out into the packed hallway following the crowd to the cafeteria like a heard of cattle until he was stopped dead in his tracks.
There she was. The girl from the parking lot that he almost hit. The only person from the new school that he has interacted with. He slowly walked up to her butterflies in his stomach, tapped her on the shoulder and just said “Sorry”. “What?’ she said clearly having no idea who this scrawny outsider was. “For the parking lot earlier, I was a little distracted. I’m sorry” he explained. “Oh! That was you? Don’t even worry about it I think we are all a little distracted these days and I’m fine so we are all good here”, she replied. Alex just sighed in relief and asked “What’s your name?” “Sarah. What about you?” “My name is Alex. I just moved to town” he said. “Well ‘Alex I just moved to town’ it was nice to meet you and welcome to Philadelphia. I have lived here my whole life. I tell you what here is my number if you have any questions on cool places to go or see just let me know”, she replied.
Alex was dumbfounded. He thought she was going to be pissed or scream at him for being a dumbass but she was just so nice. He just stood there paralyzed in her wake as she left and strolled down the hall. The rest of the day was kind of a blur with thoughts of Sarah boggling his mind. He got home that night and just stared at her number in his phone wondering if he should text her. “No”, he thought “that would be super awkward. I’ll just wait a couple days. He woke up the next day with the biggest smile in anticipation to see Sarah but she was nowhere to be found. In fact he didn’t see her the rest of that week.
He woke up Saturday morning late with nothing to do and not even an idea of where to go in this strange new town. Until he remembered what Sarah had said. He got out his phone and just sent the message, “Hey this is Alex from school, what would you recommend to do on a Saturday night?” He could barely press send he was so nervous. It was about 3 agonizing hours later she finally responded. “Oh there isn’t much to do where I live here on King Ridge Blvd so if you want to come with me downtown I can show you all the sights.” “That sounds amazing”, he replied. “Perfect. Do you want to meet me at the bus station on the corner of 70th and A? It’s easier than trying to find a parking spot.” He agreed and damn near hit his head jumping for joy. His heart was pounding so hard. He was astonished at how easy this was and it was a good feeling for once in his life. Alex was finally happy.
He didn’t like to talk about it much but he had been depressed for years ever since his little sister died. They were at a family vacation at the lake. His sister was only 10 and they were both having a blast in the water with the sun shining. Alex had only left for a minute when a big wave rolled in and she was just gone. He only left her for a MINUTE. All night rescue crews were searching but couldn’t find anything and Alex blamed himself for not being there. She washed up on shore two days later. She drowned out there all alone. Ever since that day Alex was never the same. Just reserved and lonely and moving to a new city did not help the matter at all. Sarah was finally a reason to make Alex smile. She was finally a reason for him to live with himself.
Alex was eager to get ready for the nights endeavors and was all dressed and ready to go an hour ahead of time. Instead of just nervously waiting in the house he decided to get to the bus station a little early and wait for her. It was such a nice day out. The sun was shining with a cool breeze. Perfect weather for the perfect day. He got to the bus station and sat down nervous for her to show up. 7 o’clock rolled around but there was no sight of her. Like any woman Alex assumed she was just late because she was getting ready or something. 8 o’clock came and went and he was still waiting. The only thing going through his mind was that she just forgot about his and left him there. But she was so nice. There had to be a reason. His watch hit 9 o’clock and Alex knew for sure there was something wrong so instead of just heading home defeated he decided to go investigate.
She said she lived on King Ridge Blvd so Alex walked there and knocked on a few doors asking neighbors if they knew Sarah. Most just gave him a sympathetic look when he told them his story and said no until he got the this one house on the corner. It was a quaint little hours with blue siding and a cute little door. He knocked and the nicest little old lady answered. After explaining the situation the old lady got the biggest smile and said of course she knew Sarah. She came by all the time to help around the yard. She said Sarah lived four house down the street and just like that Alex was about to have some closure or so he thought.
As soon as he came up to her house he knocked on the door. But the door just swung open since it was latched. This was very odd so Alex walked in slowly expecting to see the place trashed because of robbers or maybe something worse but to his surprise everything was clean and orderly. Nothing seemed to be wrong. That was until he turned the corner into the living room and there she was. Sarah just hanging from the ceiling, rope around her neck. Alex was horrified and about threw up. How could she do this she seemed so happy and friendly? Alex had just talked to her that day. This couldn’t be real could it? He just stood there and stared until he noticed a white envelope under her. He walked over picked it up and opened it. The paper was addressed to him? Why would be addressed to him? So he started reading.
“Hey Alex I’m sure you are really surprised right now but I just knew you would come looking for me. I could just tell you were that kind of person right away because you reminded me of myself. I could just see in your eyes that you felt exactly how I felt. Alone. The way you smiled when you saw me in that hallway was the best part of my day I love to make people smile because it takes away some of the pain that I go through every day. I hope you can forgive me but ever since I got in a car crash with my parents and they died but I survived I couldn’t do anything but blame myself. I don’t know why but I did. This is my final goodbye and I am glad it’s a goodbye to you. I will see you again. – Sarah”
Alex was taken aback there is no way she knew what he was thinking or how he felt but he guessed that’s just how children of trauma function. They grow up way too fast and just regret everything. This whole situation just kept bringing up feelings of Alex’s sister and how he wasn’t there for her when she needed him most. Except now no one was there when Alex need them the most. Alex just broke down in tears and sat on the floor sobbing for what seemed like hours. He was so ready for all of this to be over and just for it all to end. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He sauntered to the kitchen with a blank stare in his eyes. He grabbed a knife out of the block and slipped to the floor a puddle of blood already forming at his feet. The last thing he muttered before slipping into unconsciousness “I will see you again.”
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hi wegenerme18,
Mailice here with a short review!
This was a really neat story, with an unexpected ending. Let's start with some points that caught my attention:
A semicolon would be appropriate here instead of a comma, as it is a " bend" in your sentence.
I like this part of the sentence because of the repetition of "brand new" and the conclusion that he has no plan.
I think you could put two commas before "just" and after "bumper" here, otherwise it reads bumpy.
A comma after "send" would be appropriate. Since I think the "send" here is the button on the mobile phone, I would write it as "SEND" or just with a capital initial letter.
I don't know the exact rules about when to treat a number as a number, but as in this case, where you are giving a time, you should write the number as "three". Later, at the time (7 o'clock), you can also write it out.
Here, for example, it's okay not to write out the number, because it's a proper name. Besides, are there really streets that are only named after letters?
You manage to end this section well and get back to the plot, but the beginning seems a bit too drastic here. I would either try to add some smaller sentences that give the reader more of a question, why is Alex only now finally happy? You answer the question in the very next sentence. For example, you could put it like this before you go on to the paragraph: "It's been a long time since he was last happy. He hadn't had a day where he was truly happy since that fateful holiday, plagued by guilt."
"and said no until he got to this..."
Alex was horrified and about threw up.
That ending was incredibly unexpected. I like how you build it up to that point of revelation and raise the tension. I kept thinking Sarah was going to kill Alex (which she's kind of managed to do now), but more in a way of torture. I even thought at times that she was a ghost and she was leading him to the graveyard where she lives. But you surprised me in a positive way.
I find Sarah a very interesting person and you also managed to portray her uniquely through the description. It gave her a touch of mystery. I also love how she mentions a bit of background in her suicide note, even though I think the letter itself seems a bit bare. I'm not an expert on suicide notes, but believe that they are usually very elaborate and go into more detail. (Of course, every person is different.) Despite my suspicions at the beginning, I'm relieved that the story ends like this, with Sarah killing herself and not torturing Alex. xD That gave the whole story, which had a hook from the beginning, that certain something and its uniqueness. In the end, Alex can meet Sarah again.
One thing I'm a bit puzzled about is Alex. He comes across to me as having enough confidence - I mean he approaches Sarah, and seems like an easygoing guy, and yet this incident with his sister grieves him, making him not so happy anymore. I understand that he puts on a mask so as not to worry anyone, but that's one point where I think his personality has partly degenerated to the point where he'll try anything to forget the previous one. (Just a quick sidenote from me.)
You have a very great writing style that is fluid and exciting. Especially the opening lines take the reader right into what is going to happen.
Sometimes I noticed that there are places where a comma would be well placed, especially in some sentences that you made a bit longer. But now and then there are also smaller sentences that lack commas. I would also advise you to put your dialogues on one line so that you are not completely blinded by all the inverted commas, especially in dialogues. I had sometimes read something that actually another character had already said and thought it was still the same.
It was a very entertaining story!
Have fun writing!
Mailice.
You are very good at introducing tone in the story! I could feel his emotions of first-day jitters, romance, and heartbreak. I can tell the story was thought out and background stories for characters are very important. One thing I would do to improve is to do less info-dumping, which I struggle with too honestly. My favorite part was when he first saw her, thinking she was the most perfect girl to walk the planet:
"Platinum blonde hair and curves that would make the Colorado river jealous, but her eyes are what caught his attention most. One bright blue and the other a dull gray. The sound of her hand slapping the hood and yelling watch it brought him back to his senses and he just mouthed the word ‘Sorry’. She just brushed it off and in a huff started walking towards the building. "
But quickly, he was brought back into reality. I think that quick moment showed the whole plot of the story: something beautiful having a horrifying underbelly. Overall, I like this story!
Hello, RandomTalks here for a short review!
First of all, welcome to YWS! Hope you have an amazing time here.
This was such an incredible short story. When I first started reading it, I thought it would be a typical story of high school romance or something, but I have to give it to you, you surprised me.
You introduced your character very well, pulling us into his daily life right from the beginning. I could tell that he was a loner, with the way he passed through an entire day of school without interacting with anyone or without anyone really interacting with him. Still, it comes as a huge shock when we learn about his sister passing away as up until then there had been nothing to indicate a twist like that. I just wish you had pressed more on his grief and guilt, maybe talked about his sister, or just one conversation with his parents. It would have made the reader understand his decision in the end and connect with him on a whole different level.
I also really liked the way you handled Sarah's character. From the beginning there was this aura of mystery around her, and you just want to know more about this girl. I also really liked her letter, especially the line,
"This is my final goodbye and I am glad it’s a goodbye to you. I will see you again."
You really understand at this point how lonely this girl is, if the only person she wants to say goodbye to is the one she met that very week.
Here are a few grammatical errors I spotted along the way:
"The way you smiled when you seen me in that hallway was the best part of my day...."
'Seen' should be 'saw' and a full stop after 'day' also works better.
"How could she do this she seemed so happy and friendly."
You should put a question mark after 'How could she do this' and then start the next sentence.
"They grow up way to fast and just regret everything."
Here, 'to' should be 'too'.
There's just one other thing I would like to say. Your paragraphs are a bit lengthy, especially the ones at the beginning. Lengthy paragraphs often tend to scare away the reader, you should try breaking them down.
Other than that, this was an amazing story. It makes you feel for it's characters and the reveals are so surprising that you start reading from the start again, trying to understand how you could have missed it. So well done, I am really excited to read more of your works.
Have fun with your writing!
Hello there! Incoming review!
The comma should be inside of the quotation.This is a very powerful short story with a very nice flow to it. You had defined exposition, the rising action was great, your climax was shocking, and the falling action (for me the hardest part) was phenomenal. I also like how the narrator was not omniscient (all knowing.) It lent to the shock we get when we see Sarah in her house.
One major thing I would like to point out was formatting. You have 2 very long paragraphs and it doesn't go easy on the reader's eyes. Typically, when writing in a paragraph style, you should make a new paragraph when different characters are speaking, when the "scene" changes, a sudden change in time, and when the paragraph shifts focus from one character to another. It's much cleaner when you do it this way. Another thing is Sarah's letter. To make it more apparent that it is a letter you could put it in italics. I would more highly suggest having their texts be italicized because that is how texts are generally separated from regular text. I would also like to see more of Alex's depressed side when waking, eating, driving, and so on. They could be really subtle jabs that something happened in the past so then the shock of the death of his little sister isn't so out of left field. But I would suggest keeping Sarah the way she was because her suicide was something so out of the blue that you need to stop and re-read it. I think that's the way it should be.
Here is where I would like to point out small grammar errors you can change very quickly.
I'm pretty sure that apostrophe isn't supposed to be there.
There should be a comma or semicolon between ceiling and rope.
That's about all that I have to say. This literary work is spectacular and I think you have a knack for shocking reveals. Keep on writing! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeee<3
Thank you so much for the feedback. Believe it or not this is actually the first thing I have ever written and I am honestly surprised on how well it turned out. Formatting and Grammar aren't my strengths since I am technically an Engineering major but your feedback was very helpful. Thanks again!!
You should be proud of yourself! It's not easy writing your first short story.