In a small town of Kentucky there was this old war veteran. His legs were blown off in the war, and so the only way he could move around was by dragging himself around by his long long long nails. He was also a psycho. He would come around the town and disembowel people with his long long nails. So, because of this, the people were ordered to go inside at exactly 6:00 pm and lock their doors.
Well, one night a little girl asked her mom if she could go play at her friends house. The mother looked at the clock, it was 4:00. She told the little girl to be home by 5:45 because thats when "click-click" came out. The little girl agreed and was on her way. She played and played and I guess she lost track of time because when she headed home, it was already 5:48. She thought, no hurry, ill make it home on time. But that was when she saw the ice cream man. She bought one and by the time she really started to go home was 6:00. She observed people locking their doors and calling in there kids.
"Shoot, I'd better run". she thought. Finally she reached her street. But thats when she heard the noise, click click drag click click drag. It got louder and louder. She turned around to make sure he wasn't there but he was. Meanwhile, her mother was inside getting ready for bed, she figured her daughter was already asleep so she decided not to wake her. Then she heard knocking and pounding on the door, she figured it was the click click an paid no attention. It was really her daughter though, wanting to come inside. The next morning, the mother opened the door to get her newspaper only to find her daughters body and in blood written on the tree was, "Mom why didn't you open the door?"
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi wannawrite2,
Mailice here with a short review!
That was a nice little horror story. It had an amusing tone, at least that was my impression when I first read it. It had a creepy flavour, but continued along a natural path of horror in terms of the story.
What I particularly liked about your style was how you wrote the story with a lightness and simplicity and how, although a certain amount of prior knowledge was already built up in the reader, you were still able to surprise us with it. I think in a way it was effective to give away more than was appropriate.
Your first paragraph in particular has a good start, albeit a humorous one in parts, because I sat there smirking and smiling at times as I read what I found. Because I think you've been a bit too quick here in giving out what's coming, and with the second sentence you definitely took away the horror part a bit because you came with "blown off" instead of "lost". Also with the next sentence, "He was also a psycho", you moved a bit too fast. I would have started differently, like: "Because of the war and his loss of legs, he withdrew and had no contact with anyone. He developed into an alienated person." That has a much greater effect than "psycho". Because that gave me another grin.
But in general, I think you used a really good method to create a kind of urban legend.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Wow. That was thrillingly horrific. Yet it's pretty realistic too.
There's a few punctuation and grammar mistakes, but nothing major.
The first paragraph really drew me in. The simplicity in which you describe the Click-Click was intoxicating.
I also enjoyed the fact that you included yourself in the story by saying "I guess..." it makes it feel like your telling the story the reader in a dark basement (since they know it a horror).
For the point of the story, I understand why you had the mother and daughter do the things they did. However, a mother would most likely check on her daughter, if just to see that she's there. And also, I don't know about you, but if I thought I was going to be disemboweled by some freaky psycho killer's nails, I'd probably be screaming at the top of my lungs as well as pounding on the door...
Overall, very well written.
Sylvia.
Whew! The horror!! Such a creepy story..now I shall turn around and check twice if there is anyone behind me whenever I am out on the streets... this was like as if you were teling the story to little kids...and I feel likeone now.. also yyour narration if you wanted it to be this way then its alright otherwise I think it needs a bit of cleaning up..I really wish if you would write this once more in a much better way and justify a few of your points about all those things poet chan pointed out. This story is very good and it will make a very good short story just make it a point to write it a bit more elaborately as this one is pretty brief considering the fact that you could make this so much better... Real nice work I must say! Good work!
The potential for this story is great, but there are a few minor problems.
The "long long long" nails is a bit too much. I would leave it at "long, long" nails, and then not repeat it in the next line. It makes for a good oral telling of the story, but having it in the written version just makes for unnecessary repetition.
The switches in P.O.V. are really confusing and unnecessary. Pick one and stick with it. You start out with a third-person narrative, then you throw in the "I guess" to make it first-person, and then you add in the thoughts of the girl to make it third-person omniscient, but only for her, which changes you from subjective (the one you started with) to then objective.
I also have one other bone to pick; why would the mother not know her daughter was out there? My mom would be worried sick if there was a strict 6 pm curfew and I didn't walk in the door at 5:45. Why didn't the mother watch for her?
The story itself reminds me of the stories that involve people not turning on lights or the one about the dog licking the girl's hand.
Overall, this is a good story and it has potential, but you should clean up the narrative a bit and definitely chunk out the second block of text into clearer paragraphs, to make it easier to read. 7/10