Published May 24, 2009
Love Landing
Safe is when he takes me in his arms,
And whispers to me “I love you”
As we close our eyes and feel the strong wind blow our senses away
The calls from the cliff becoming echoes of the past
There was no landing, this was like
Forever, and
Ever
Our souls pervaded each other, our lives entwined in this vacuum
I could live without air but not without us
This must last, forever and
Ever
Death was a matter of no concern
I was locked safe in his embrace
And purged of all sins, of all fears
Of all the devil’s callings to me
Of all their warped mindsets and bloody knives
Bloody from dissecting the purest of hearts
Blood that rushed to a young woman’s face
When her lips touch his
They jerk out the sacred arrows
And stick it down her throat
Now aiming at us
At me
I must not lose control
Of this
Ever
If ever was meant to be
And more meant to be than the fateful touch
Of ground, of land
And splattered hair
And empty hand
And hollowed heart
And lifeless soul left to wonder
If by now she was half, or whole,
Or nothing
Or never?
---
comments greatly appreciated (:
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Hello walawala and welcome to YWS! I'm Snoink and I am to be your critiquer today, which basically means that I get to give you advice on how to improve it and so on. I'm told that I'm one of the tougher critiquers, but whatever! It's all a lie, trust me.
Okay, now on to your poem! I did like the premise and everything! You have two lovers wrapped in each other's arms standing on a cliff, yet they feel completely safe because they are together, which definitely has a lot of AWWWW factor to it, which is good! There are a lot of poets and songwriters who have written about lovers who have faced each other on cliffs and basically a lot of love poetry has resulted. It's fantastic! A song and poem that comes to mind immediately are "We Both Go Down Together" by the Decemberists and "Dover Beach" by Matthew Arnold. Which, admittedly are depressing poems, but hey! This poem has quite a lot of blood, so whatever!
What you're probably going to want to work on is the storytelling aspect. Now, I realize that this is poetry and whatnot, but storytelling is really important because, with storytelling, it'll give us a better picture of what's actually happening. Good? I think so! So look at your poem really carefully. What does it show us? For me, when I read it, it seems oddly disjointed, and I'm still not quite sure where the blood comes from or why they're persecuted... it doesn't really make sense to me. So clear that little thing up (it shouldn't be too hard!) and it should be fabulous!
Also, did I mention that we're glad you're here? Because we are. ^_^ Welcome to YWS! If you need any help or any clarification of my critique or encounter any problems, just contact me. Not only do I critique, but I'm also a moderator here, so you can totally bug me whenever you want with just about anything.
See you around!
Hi there, and welcome to YWS! I see this is one of the first things you've posted here. You'll look back on this piece when you have more seniority here, too. ^_^
First of all, I'd like to say that I love your description; especially when you say "blow our senses away". I loved that.
I would like to say, though, that it sounds a little angsty. Nothing is wrong with that, but you could make it a little more romantic and everything by trying to write in a more sophisticated manner. You don't have to change this, I'm just suggesting.
I found some things incorrect with this part. I think that in the first line there, there shouldn't be a "this was like" at the end. It makes it sound a little odd. Also, in the second and third lines, I think the "and" from the second line should really be on the third line. If that makes sense. So this section would, with the changes I've suggested, look more like this;
"There was no landing,
forever
and ever."
To me, "vaccuum" really doesn't sound romantic. And you didn't spell it correctly. Try thinking of a different word to put in it's place. (and always remember there's a spell-check button you should click before you submit!)
Alright, about your structure. I notice there isn't really a certain pattern you went with, and the structure is very wobbly and is not persistent, like I could knock your poem down by blowing on it. Not good! Try having a little persistency with a pattern; choose a freestyle pattern you like! certain amount of lines, syllables.. not both at the same time, but you get my point. It's nice to have a nice, neat pattern to look at when reading a poem. Good for the eyes, you know?
Also! About your ending. You ended with a question that seemed to question your whole poem itself. I liked it, a little, but try doing that without having it use a question mark. Don't make it a question. I, personally, don't think it make a poem look very good when ending with a question (mark). If you end up being able to incorporate the same message with a period, as you did with a question mark, then good for you!
I think that's all! I hope to see you around more.
~April