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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
Hey there wakegirl!
I see you suffered some issues with your line breaks! It was a problem before YWS' renovation was finished, but it might actually work alright now if you were to edit/post again! For the purposes of this review I've gone ahead and reformatted it on my own so I can look at it properly. So hopefully your line breaks match up with mine!
Anyway, I quite liked this poem! I like the way the lines are broken up in a way that makes it feel fast-paced and suspenseful, like someone would feel if they were running from the law after committing a crime. It's a really interesting effect, and one I haven't really seen in a poem before.
However, this effect is taken a little too far in points. There are quite a few lines where words are left out to make things feel rushed, but it hurts more than it helps, I think. These three lines are an example of what I mean:
The words left out here really affect readability, and hindered my ability to stay focused on the poem itself. You don't want your readers to have to go back and re-read lines to understand them, of course!
You can keep the sentences short and on this same pace just be rewording things, or adding a few articles here or there. For example, in these three lines I would do something like:
I'm actually not sure what you meant by that third line, so this is my attempted interpretation (of course I might be totally off! But either way it needs rewording). Take note of niteowl's suggestions regarding verb choice, but also be sure that a reader can easily read and understand what you're trying to say!
This is a really interesting poem, and I'd love to see it improve even more! You've got a good "plot" and a nice sense of rhythm, and with some adjustments to your word choice you'll be golden!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Firstly, yeah that glitch happens a lot. I wish I knew why, but for now just see if you can edit it. I saw a different thread that suggested putting it on a Google Doc, formatting, and then copy-pasting works.
Secondly, I like the feel of this piece. The short, choppy rhythm makes it feel like a man running away, which is cool. However, I do think it could be cleaned up a bit.
Running down corridor
Climbing up spiral stairs
Breaking each; every law <--Semi-colon doesn't fit here. Perhaps rephrase to "Breaking so many laws" or another way to say it while keeping the rhythm.
Always would cause nightmares
Hearing footsteps closer <--I think the sensory verbs (hearing, seeing, etc.) aren't needed. They take up precious syllables and don't add much. Proposed alternative: "Footsteps soon come closer." Tweak as you wish.
Skidding onto rooftops
Beating heart is faster
Sometime soon have to stop
Seeing guns pointed head
Listening shouts: hands in air
Happening just like when read
Raise two hands up with care
Okay, this is the weakest stanza, IMO. Again, the sensing verbs aren't helping. Replace them with something stronger. The third line makes little sense as written. The choppy meter seems to hurt this stanza more than the others. Rethink word choice--see if you can drop longer words and re-insert small words that seem to be missing. Possible e.g. "Guns pointed at my head".
Feeling metal on wrists Okay, but could drop feeling for something more specific.
Wishing then had been skilled Again, a stronger verb would help, as would cutting "then".
Wondering if soon missed Hm...I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Is he wondering what would have happened if he'd missed when he killed this person? Clarify this line.
Probably shouldn't have killed.
Alright, I'll admit, I just noticed the date on this thing. It showed up under works with 0 or 1 review, so I started reviewing it. I get annoyed when that happens to me, but this isn't too old so I hope you still find this useful. If not, I apologize.
Overall, I like the idea behind this. The choppy meter creates a good rhythm, but does restrict your wording in some places. Replacing weak verbs with stronger ones would make this piece more powerful. I don't usually like rhyming poems, but I think this one could turn out really well. Keep writing!
Thanks so much, this is really helpful. Don't worry about the date, you're advice is still really good and it might be good that I haven't looked at for a while before redrafting!
I'm really sorry guys but for some reason the line breaks and grammar aren't showing up so if you could just imagine the line breaks are where the capitol letters are that would be great. I know it's annoying, sorry.
Wakegirl