it's okay

And I felt an urge. 

It threatened to take over me.

"It's okay."

I looked up. Death was standing right in front of me. He murmured in my ear. His scythe carrying the whispers of lost souls. Lost souls that turned to him for help. Lost souls that couldn't find a reason to stay. Spirits that felt trapped by Life. 

"What's okay?? What is there to live for?"

Death gazed at me, his red eyes glowing a pale, soft light. Despite my outbreak, despite hearing my spirit shattering, screeching out for help, he closed his eyes. "What's stopping you from running into my arms, then?"

And I stayed silent. What is stopping me?

He held my eye contact. I break it.

"I'm scared," I admitted. "fear is stopping me."

Death tilted his head, like he was studying a fragile creature. "What are you scared of?"
Truth is, I don't know. 

"I..."

Something in me. Something in me felt...hollow. 

"I don't know."

"Isn't that a reason to stay...?" Death probed. "Life can be difficult sometimes. I knew her. Once...long ago."

His eyes, which had reflected the golden horizon, darkened. 

"I knew her..." he repeated, as if to himself, as if to hold on to a fragment of the memory. Shadows seemed to pool around him, wrapping him in a heavy blanket of nothing but quiet sorrow. Grief.

Yet...they seemed to comfort. 

"Why did she leave?"

Death's eyes drooped. He seemed to shrink, and for a moment, I saw myself in him.

He was tired.

"I wanted to stay with her forever. We could've been together. If only...she didn't move on. She found a reason to follow the light. Follow where destiny shaped her skies."

"And what was that?" 

My voice trembles. He reaches out, not with his scythe, not with his arms, but with what light he had left. He poured it into me.

And I saw.

...memories.

A girl, laughing, running around in the meadows.
An old man with his dog.
A relationship, wild and free.
A couple's first baby, seeing into the depths of her spirit, illuminating.
The beach's roaring waves, crashing into the sand.

Death stayed silent for a long time. Enough time for the memories to settle. Settle like dust, like ashes...or maybe perhaps just as fiery flames, perhaps like lanterns. Glowing, eating away at the darkness that had settled as a weight in my heart.

My chest tightened.

"Do you see now?" He whispered softly. "What reasons she had to stay?"

Realization hit me. If she had given up...none of these things would've existed.

"This is not weakness. Learn to embrace it," Death said softly. I could hear the echo of grief in his voice. "You never know until you lose it."

I scoffed, laughing bitterly. "What should I live for?"

"Life found fragments. The softest echoes, unleashed in her heart. A touch. A giggle. Freedom."

My hands tremble. "I'm scared. That's all, that's nothing."

"It's holding you back, isn't it?" Death asked.

"You're saying...fear can save...?"

Death nodded, so slowly. I could see the pain. The pain he had to go through to let go, to let go of the only person that had his whole heart.

"It's not your time yet, little one. I'll be here waiting...but I won't force you. You've found something to live for. And you'll find more. You're scared of diving into unknown waters. And that's what is saving you. It's okay."

I started to shake, as the memories wrapped themselves like glowing, warm threads, slicing through what has held me for so long.

I let the joy, the laughter, the freedom rush into me like a breath of cold air. And I could see the beauty. The unmistakable beauty of Life, that I was blind to before.

"Fear is not your enemy. Trust your heart, little one," he murmurs softly. His red eyes looked faded, but there was a spark of something that has ignited inside of him. 

"I'll be here when you are ready. You are alive, and that's all that matters now."

I breath in, and close my eyes. When I opened them again, Death started to fade away. "It's okay."

And for the first time, a thought blossomed in my mind.

Maybe...just maybe...Life is worth living after all.

And for the first time in a long time,

I smiled.