We keep stumbling towards the camp, tripping over roots and branches. By the time we burst into the camp, I am gasping for breath. Dylan’s chest is heaving as he looks over at me. “Out of shape?” He asks, scanning me up and down. I glare at him. “I could ask the same,” I mutter.
“Raven? What took you so long? Where were you?” Axel demands. For a moment, the battle seems to slow. I catch Thorn strolling up to Dylan from the corner of my eye. I turn. She grabs him by his shirt, slamming him against the wall. Her knuckles are white, the black fabric wrinkled in her grip. “Don’t you remember what I told you, boy?” She purrs, gritting her teeth in a faint smile. They flash in the bright sun.
Dylan glares coldly at her, his eyes full of hostility. He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple dipping in his throat. I’m a rogue.”
“Exactly, dear,” she hisses, lowering her voice. “And if I ever see you on any Tribal grounds, you face consequences.”
Before anyone can react, Thorn’s blade is pressed into Dylan’s neck. A thin trickle of blood runs from the knife. “Stupid fool,” she purrs. Thorn motions with her other hand, and her army charges forward once again. This time, a few come for me. My pupils narrow, and I watch wild-eyed as chaos erupts all around.
Axel glances at me, then over at Dylan, confusion darkening his gaze. He looks at me one more time, before diving back into the midst of the battle.
A soldier lunges in my direction. I dodge, feeling the wind of the sword as it flies past my shoulder. That was close. I grunt, trying to land a blow. The soldier attacks again, swiping at the bottom of my neck. I gasp at the sharp sting as he raises his sword again.
“Don’t you dare, Soel.”
Dylan suddenly intervenes in front of me, and threatens the soldier. His eyes carry an intense glare. “Touch her, and you’re dead.” Dylan pauses, maintaining eye contact steadily as more soldiers gather to help. “All of you.”
“Who’s team are you on, Ashye?” Soel accuses loudly, bristling. Dylan looks unfazed at his last name. He stays quiet.
“Even if you beg Eclipse, they will never let you join,” Soel mocks. Dylan stiffens, his arm jerking forward. The sword lands a hard blow to Soel’s stomach.
“I can defend myself,” I snap, holding my own sword in front of me.
Soel backs off, despite his hands clenching with frustration. “Traitor.”
“Fine. Show me, warrior,” Dylan hisses, his eyes darkening with anger. “Show me you can handle it.”
A stream of blazing hair flies past me as Solar charges into Dylan. He jerks back in surprise, but recovers his guard as Solar aims for his chest.
“Solar!” My stomach twists. Dylan better not hurt her. I swallow. Why wouldn’t he?
Dylan wrestles with her on the ground. I spot the sword a second early. I knock her out of the way of his blow. “Stop scaring me,” I say, putting my hands on her shoulders, my arms shaking. “It’s a battle, Raven! You go for the nearest,” she instructs dismissively.
BAM! A heavy weight slams into me, and my heart lurches into my throat. I gasp, and drive the sword forward with all my might, trying desperately to see who I’m fighting. When the soldier jerks back, I kick her in the chest. She lands a blow to my shoulder. Anger blurs my vision as I strike out. I hear a grunt of pain, and she stumbles away, her side stained with fresh blood.
Shaking, I struggle to regain focus, staggering up. I scan the clearing blurrily, before a man strikes at me with his sword. It was long, the sharp end pointed straight at me. I dodge quickly, tumbling to the ground, dirt smearing on my arms, my elbows scraping against the rough earth. His sword meets with mine, and it made a loud clashing, screeching, ear-piercing noise. I desperately try to recover from the impact, and swipe at his stomach, watching as it runs red and he screams in agony.
Someone lands a blow to my head from behind, and I circle around dizzily, confusion clouding my eyes. They’re teaming up…
A sword meets with my back, and I swipe out with my sword blindly, crying in pain. Another person joins in, and I can feel them gaining on me as I whip around to try to land a hit.
I can’t do this anymore…
I look around frantically for help. I distinguish Saber.
He is trying to get to me, but two soldiers are on his tail, and they tackle him to the ground. “No…” I slur, barely a whisper.
All three of Cobra’s soldiers are swiping at me now. My efforts to fight back are in vain, and I collapse to the ground, my eyes filling with tears, my cheeks damp. End this torture…please…
I can see a sword coming down on top, glinting in the sun, set high in the sky. This is the end of me, isn’t it? I gasp for breath, a shock of pain every time my chest rises.
But it never lands a blow.
My vision is fading in and out now, and black dots cloud my ability to see. I blink several times, seeing a blur of black hair and dark blue eyes. Dylan.
Every breath is an effort. I’m trembling, my head woozy. My hands are shaking hard, and I clench them into fists.
He charges into one of the attackers, and his sword comes out wet and red, leaving him…or her…lifeless on the ground, soul bleeding out into the dirt. The life drained from the eyes. He doesn’t even give the body a second glance.
Dylan knocks the other soldier’s sword out of their hand. The soldier lands a powerful punch to Dylan’s jaw. He stumbles back, but throws a knife. It grazes the soldier’s calf. Weaponless, the soldier stumbles away, tripping on the bumpy ground.
I can’t see what he did to the last one. By now, my breathing is shallow, and I slam my eyes shut. “No one kills who I haven’t already,” Dylan spits breathlessly after them. Then, he looks down at me. His eyes are empty, yet there is something deeper in them, and I can’t distinguish what it is. His jaw tightens, and he breaks eye contact.
The whole clearing seems to stop moving. For the first time, some of them scan the battle-scorn land, noticing how many are dead, and how many are badly injured. “Stop the fight, please, Thorn,” One of Cobra’s soldiers pants weakly. “Don’t you see this isn’t worth it?”
Thorn glares at her, but uncertainty crosses her eyes, only for a second, before her expression smoothes out. I gasp for breath. “Dylan…help me—please…” I wheeze. Dylan pauses, refusing to meet my gaze.
“Kill her, Dylan. You know what? I’ll welcome you back to the Tribe,” Thorn hisses, chuckling lightly. “Only if you bring the sword down. I’ll excuse your disloyalty, Ashye.”
Of course he’s going to do it. Why wouldn’t he? I betrayed him before. I get it if he does it to me. I honestly deserve it. I close my eyes, ready for the flash of pain, ready for the darkness after it.
“Kill her? Huh,” Dylan says, a bitter laugh escaping from his throat. He almost sounds amused. I slowly open them again with surprise. “what would make me listen to you? I’ve already killed so many people for you. You’re just using me. You exiled me, why would you want me back?” He lowers his voice, dropping to a hushed murmur.
I’d rather die than have her blood on my sword.”
Something glints in his pocket. I squint closer. A blue glint. I would’ve gasped, but I don’t even think my mouth would open. It’s the pendant. Dylan doesn’t seem to notice, however. I try to scream at him, but I don’t know if I can. Thorn’s eyes dart around with surprise. The blood drains from my face. She noticed too.
“Stop him,” she snaps, gesturing to the pendant, her voice carrying a slight panicked tone. Fear cracks through her composure. After a second’s pause, Thorn’s army charges for him. Axel, on the other hand, hesitates for a moment longer. And joins in. No! No…this can’t be happening. My eyes slowly start to black out. No! I try to blink, but it’s like a black sheet covering my vision, and there’s no way to fight it.
The last thing I see is Dylan…fighting for his life.
End of chapter
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Hia Catssss =D
Also remember paragraphing, new speaker new paragraph. It’s not a difficult rule XD I like it because it is so obvious. And, when you realise that now all your paragraphs are rather short, it also tells you where to add more descriptions. It’s such a convenient thing to implement~I’m still under the weather but I want to keep up my reviewing streak. Hope you bear with me and my ramblings today :3
Ohaaa how far were they from camp that they are out of breath when they reach it? I thought they’d have to be relatively close considering they heard something go down at camp from wherever Dylan was hiding, last chapter?
Remember that “he asks” is not a complete sentence, therefore you cannot capitalise “he” here:
It would have worked so much better if, after Dylan and Raven had their earlier exchange, you took a moment to describe the battle. Where everyone is, maybe an emotional reaction from our narrator, the feelings she has for her home being attacked and her friends being in danger (or maybe, a lack of reaction to show she’s growing apart from them?), any future obstacles in the path to reclaiming the pendant. Instead you have Mr Axel spot Raven immediately, which makes the battle seem small-scale and overall unimportant. He can’t have put his all into the fight if he has the time to look around for stragglers, right?
Also why does Thorn have the time to assault Dylan now? What even is happening? I need to know ther stakes here because the way this is written sounds almost as if Axel and Thorn agreed on a truce to lure Dylan and Raven back to the camp??
And while she’s busy with Dylan, Axel (her mortal enemy, right??) is just standing there, not doing anything?
I think you might have wanted to properly space these things out. Was it really important to have Axel and Thorn show up at the same time? I feel like if Thorn was there first (she might not want to lead the charge into the camp so if she’s on the outskirts, it makes sense that she spots Raven and Dylan first) and grabs Dylan, and they have their interaction with Raven unwilling to intervene bc she’s threatening Dylan etc this could work. And while she’s busy with Dylan, Axel could maybe free himself from an enemy and see Raven and come to her, maybe thinking she needs help? Feels like a more natural way to get these 4 characters together?
*reads on*
OK so Axel was completely superfluous for the scene since he just dives into the battle? WHY IS HE NOT ATTACKING THORN? He doesn’t like either Thorn or Dylan so seeing them busy with each other would be the prime opportunity to cut down the leader of the enemy tribe? That would have been the perfect opportunity?????
Catsss I am so lost. I don’t know where they are, who is with them, how the battle progresses, who is winning what is happening….
aww poor girl ☹
Lol she really believes this will work?
…why does she believe that? He’s already proven over and over that he will risk it all for her sake .-.
I like how you end the chapter. I don’t like that you always, always have the big strong man rescue Raven despite her insisting that she is competent. You never really give her the opportunity to be competent, she always gets overshadowed by Dylan. I know, Dylan is great, I like him a lot. But if you want me to take both of your protagonists seriously, you need to give Raven her moments too. She does push back against Dylan, she was allowed to give him medicine etc but it’s not really enough?
Also the whole battle was super confusing and I never understood what is at stake and it didn’t sound like our MCs were heading in there with any sort of plan.