z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Language

Shreds Of Evidence...

by varada6467


The next morning I felt dizzy, not in much of a good mood. I tidied up and raced to my father. The whole night I could not get a sound sleep as I was woken every minute by my father’s voice resounding in my ears “Magic, ivory….., ivelry…, humans, school…of ….wiz….ds”.

I did decide to talk to my father about the same. So I shocked him as I entered his chamber. The chamber was coloured golden and red, with stained glass, a French table laid with surplus food, a wine glass, a white cloth with green embroideries. My father stood in the corner of the room with my mother, both peering at the horizon. I wondered if they were talking about me.

I strolled up to them, they looked at me smiling. My mother opened up “How do you feel Lisa? Did you take your medicines on time?” “Yes, mother” I replied hastily. “I need to talk to both of you,” I said. “So do we want to dear” father sputtered.

He continued “Please sit Lisa, there is a lot to talk about. I have to clear all your misconceptions about yesterday’s talk”. I sat on the long cotton quilt, feeling a bit like a stranger in front of my parents. He started telling me a story about how the magic relates to me.

My father started “Lisa the story begins like, one afternoon, I was walking the lengths of the royal garden and suddenly my eyes fell upon a chariot that was coming seemingly fast, it was ridden by your mother. The chariot came in to view after a long time, the dust settled. Your mother stirred the chariot to a halt and jumped off it, you will understand what happens next, I was astonished by the beauty that stood not far from me. I was also shameful of myself when I realized that the crown prince [me] was staring at a lady with his mouth wide open. But I could not resist myself; your mother looked so brave and smart like a warrior queen.

I felt like going and holding your mother’s hands and then and there asking her for marrying me. But that would not be a good impression in front of the crowd, who too had paused to have a glance at the beauty.

I went galloping to my father and explained him all about your mother. And as I spoke,  the announcer spoke “The beauty of the lake, the bravest of the lioness, and the princess of Mawsworl arrives.” I was hopping with joy as I saw your mother entering through the huge bronze gates. Your grandfather might have noticed my eyes lit, as I saw him giggling to himself. He asked, “Is she the one you talked to me about, her does look fine to me, but not better than your mother.”

I was excited; your mother came to the front and requested to speak out a letter. My heart pounded, what will this letter say? Will it talk about challenges and battles? I did not know. I saw my father also concerned about the same. He allowed her to speak.

His smile broadened as we heard your mother speak. “I the princess of Mawsworl am here to form an alliance with your kingdom. We accept any form of legal conditions. And promise not to cause any harm.” I was out of words. I quickly took permission from my father and spoke “I the crown prince of Halyard is ready to accept your request and would also like to ask for the hand of the princess of Mawsworl to marriage, if there is no problem. And promise to live for the princess’s self-esteem and will always respect her. And this is not a compulsion if wanted the princess can return to her kingdom and seek her father’s permission.”

There were whispers all around the hall. I thought about it again, was my choice right? And to my happiness the princess replied “Yes I accept the request and am ready to marry the prince” “I would like to send a letter to my father regarding the same and to seek his permission”. I was shocked; she answered so quickly, was she some kind of threat to the kingdom.

Soon all the arrangements were done. And we were wedded husband and wife. The days passed by happily, we were not facing any problems in our relation. But one day, we still don’t understand how they came, caused havoc in the streets and burned down several shops and houses. Your mother and I fought to stop them; our army was stronger than theirs so they fled. During that fight, one of the wizards shot an arrow at your grandfather and shouted while retreating “YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR SNACTHING AWAY OUR DAUGHTER, THE PRINCESS WHO IS ALSO A WITCH OF OUR DOME. WE WILL COME BACK TO TAKE HER.”

I was shocked after what I heard. I heard your mother whimpering beside me, the first thing I told her was “I trust you; my faith on you cannot be taken away just by some moron shouting something stupid. But I would like to talk to you after father gets well.”

A day passed with no smiles on anyone’s face. The rumors increased of the princess been a witch, she will kill the prince and the king, she has come to this kingdom to perform tricks on us and this goes on.

Riana had to bear all the stares and gossips by the people about her. I understood what she had to go through.

I sent a messenger to her father to inform about what happened here. His letter reached us a little late, and to our surprise it spoke about something we did not want to hear.

It relates to you too. Something I need to tell you now for your further safety.

The king took out a piece of parchment from the golden casket and handed it over to me. I read aloud with curiosity, the page was torn from underneath.

“Dear prince, we are sorry for what happened to your kingdom. The people who fought with you are actually my wife’s family. She had this hereditary curse that her every child will suffer the ‘Wrath of the wizards’; as she married me a human which is not correct according to the wizards, I did not share about them to Riana. So she is innocent and has no role in this sudden attack. They came to seize your wife because of the same curse; they will not kill her but only take care of her as their daughter. We will have to console them with the ‘Gem of truth’ to keep instead of Riana. And keep in mind that you have to find the gem alone, I have attached a map which will show you the way. But you need to reach your destination on your own”

I was so merged into it that I nearly fell of my seat while father shouted. I guessed I wasn’t listening to them.

“This is the same what is going to happen to you. When once you turn nineteen. You have a month’s time to solve this quest for your life, we will always support you to show you the way but you will have to reach your destination” Repeated mother.

I riddled them “Don’t you have the map with you. And will you not help me in this quest? How am I supposed to reach the gem?”

Mother got up and took out a weary looking, torn map out of the same casket. She handed it over to me. I looked at it with awe. It showed places I did never even heard about. I only understood the way from the castle to the dense forest. Father explained to me the whole route. They told me that I could leave in a day or two.

All the arrangements for me were done; they warned me that the gem will vanish as soon as a stone hearted person takes it. Mother told me where to keep the gem after I am able to find it. She told me that I need to keep it on the bank of the river which is shown in the map and it will reach the rightful owner of the wizards, the guardian. And you will be teleported back to the palace. She asked me if I was really willing to leave. I thought about it once more. Actually what came into my mind was negative, I thought that I don’t even know the other people. I don’t know the place I am going to; I don’t know the hardships that I would be facing. Yet what I decided was that I will have to do everything for my kingdom. Even if it may lead to lose my life. I told mom that “YES” I will do it. Before leaving it seemed like I am going into some adventurous task. Not knowing the consequences, made me imagine the worst. But what will happen depends on my fate………….


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494 Reviews


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Mon Dec 24, 2018 3:32 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd get this work of yours out of the green room for ya. c:

This is an interesting concept! From what I understand, on the Queen's side of the family there's this sorta band of witches that are like... the in-laws :P and they're always trying to take their 'daughters' back- which I find really interesting and creepy and cool!

Though why do they come for them when they're 19? What's the significance of that? I feel like if there's going to be a set-time for when they're 'allowed' to try and steal their relatives back, it should be relevant in some way! Because otherwise, what's stopping them from stealing them when they're first born? What's stopping them from stealing them when they're any age?

Something else I noticed was that I was having trouble following what was going on in the story. I found myself getting confused, wondering if the dad was still telling her about her history or if it was happening right now. I feel like the biggest thing that made it somewhat confusing was all the information! We're finding out that the MC is a witch, and that there's some stone that's supposed to help and that she's in danger when she turns 19 and the family history and that she needs to go on a quest- and it all just sorta swirls around in our brains! I think the reason this makes things confusing is because we're told all these things that need to be done and all these things about the MC and such, but we don't really stay on one thing for two long, so it doesn't really sink in well. Something that might help is if there's a little more give-and-take with the discussion between the father and his daughter. So fr instance, if my dad just told me I was a witch, I would have a TON of questions for him like "Can I do magic? What KIND of magic? What's a witch?" etc! But as writers, we can use dialogue as a means to give the readers a sort of easier way to digest information. Let the character ask questions that the reader might be wondering. (as long as it relates to the conversation and everything)

The other thing that made it a little confusing sometimes, was the syntax! So some of the sentences and dialogue were a little awkward in places. Here's an example:

I riddled them “Don’t you have the map with you. And will you not help me in this quest? How am I supposed to reach the gem?


Try to simplify things- don't use fancy words like "riddle" so much. If there's a basic word that describes what you're trying to say, my advice is just stick to that for now. So instead of "riddled" simply use "asked" instead. Sometimes in writing, less equals more. So try to break down dialogue into the most important stuff. What's the most burning question in this dialogue? I'd argue it's How do I get the gem?- the other questions aren't as important, and they sorta muddle things up so there's a lot more information flying around then us readers are willing to comprehend all in one go. If that makes sense. (sorry, my thoughts aren't being super cohesive right now! Dx )

In any case, keep it up! I hope the MC can find that stone before she turns 19! I don't want to know what those witches will do to her if they nab her! O>O

-Holy




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Mon Oct 29, 2018 8:57 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there!
Welcome to YWS!
So this is an interesting story, and I'll try not to be to harsh. :).
So most of what I am noticing is that your sentences are a little to short, which results in the reading being awkward and choppy. (Sometimes reading things out-loud can help with that, I do that a lot. :). )
The one part that really bothered me was this one: "My mother opened up “How do you feel Lisa? Did you take your medicines on time?” “Yes, mother” I replied hastily. “I need to talk to both of you,” I said. “So do we want to dear” father sputtered."

It is very awkward. I would say something like this:
"My mother greeted me first. "How do you feel Lisa? Did you take your medicines on time?"
"Yes, mother" I replied hastily, then, "I need to talk to both of you."
Father sputtered, then said, "We want to talk to you to dear."
It makes everything smoother and it flows better as well.

The same thing occurs in this part:
"My father started “Lisa the story begins like, one afternoon, I was walking the lengths of the royal garden and suddenly my eyes fell upon a chariot that was coming seemingly fast, it was ridden by your mother. The chariot came in to view after a long time, the dust settled. Your mother stirred the chariot to a halt and jumped off it, you will understand what happens next, I was astonished by the beauty that stood not far from me. I was also shameful of myself when I realized that the crown prince [me] was staring at a lady with his mouth wide open. But I could not resist myself; your mother looked so brave and smart like a warrior queen."

That is all I really noticed throughout the whole story, is that some sentences are really good, and others are short, awkward and choppy.
I know this isn't real in-depth, and I'm sorry! I hope this helps some.




varada6467 says...


No need to be sorry!!, It really helps a lot. I had not noticed that the sentences were that short, I had written this chapter way back so had not It really helps me when someone improves my mistakes. So keep reviewing, and mentioning what I am missing on.



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Mon Oct 29, 2018 4:52 pm
varada6467 says...



Followers,
I am eagerly waiting for your comments and reviews, please do mention any mistakes made by me, and also mention the changes to be made.





Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides