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Jigsaw Jumble

by varada6467

THE HOURGLASS TURNS SO DOES MY LIFE, The sunshine wakes me up from the soft linen covers; the smile on my face broadens. Today is a new day with a baggage full of tasks to do. The wake up gong is hit; the time has come to do all the personal chores. And as I wake up my mother’s sound resounds in the room. “Good morning darling, get ready my sweetheart. It’s a special day for the kingdom” mom said.

Oh! Yes, I totally forgot about the dragon fest day, mom, I am up and will meet you downstairs ASAP” I screamed excitedly. I got ready, tried on some designer clothes for the perfect day, like a kleptomaniac and stumbled down the long hallway, with red carpet covering every inch of the floor and the beautiful wall hangings, the photos of the ancestors, lined with huge ribbons giving an extra effect to their beauty. The magnificent doors opened, and let me in to the lush green royal garden, covered with colours flowing everywhere like water. I saw the king and queen sitting on the housetop with creepers claiming the pillars.

I walked to them and sat on the cold soft cushions. “Good morning father, how are you doing?” I questioned. I saw almost half the bodyguards of mom and half of my father’s bodyguards standing as still as a statue. This was some kind of order to them, I thought how much painful it might be for them to stand for a whole day and walk around with the same person to work for them to get some pity wages for the whole month. “All going well, there is something I need to tell you, I wanted to discuss it with you from long ago, but I actually never got enough time for my daughter. I am really sorry dear if you are disappointed due to me.But first I would like to know if you ever have felt something odd: sparks, flashbacks or something kind of a ‘déjà vu’ you can even tell if you ever heard something special, something that you never have heard before, something magical”, The king stated.


I was astonished, was this a sudden turn in my life. Why was the king acting so insecure, was a secret of my life hidden from me? What was my relation with magic? Will I not live a normal life? ; All these questions raced past my already heavy head. I came out of the trauma “No my Lord, I have never been through any feelings such as this, not even heard odd things such as magic.” I waited patiently for the king’s revert, and as if after a bad long day the king spoke sadistically, “There is something I need to talk to you about, something relating to your birth”. The king might have seen my expression change but he continued unaffected, “You are the only child of ours, so, this is important for you to know. You were born to us normally, as in such with no physical abnormalities, but after about a week you were born, we got striking information that you were partially from the wizarding world and partially from the human.” I blabbered in between “umm, I actually did not get what you are talking about, not even about magic or not even something that you told about …ahh…the world of something.” The king pointed out “the wizarding world, it’s the world in which wizards live, where people learn magic and experience different life from that of humans.

The wizarding world has many schools, for teaching exemplary magic to the gifted children. Headed by the headmaster and former chief of ministry ‘Carter Kane’, blessed with a huge, castle like school the most famous is The Ivelry School of Ivory Witchcraft and Wizardry, where the best of the magicians come out with wonders to do.

Apart from these all fantasies is our world, the world of the humans. This world does not use magic, or not even huge magical schools to learn in. The life lived by the humans is normal and simple with best schools of informative learning. And you are born to this world.

I was suddenly not feeling well, my stomach lumbered as if I did just come out of a ghost well or as if I were falling from a long tree. I don’t know what happened, everything turned black around me, and I stumbled with the weight of the world around me.

My eyelids were heavy, but I was able to take in the objects in my surrounding. I understood that I was at the medical hub; I could see doctors running all over with medicines, taking care of the injured and sick. I was happy to acknowledge that my kingdom had one of the most sincere and experienced doctors around the countries. I shacked myself and rose to look at my mother and father standing tensed next to me. My mother looked tensed and scared; her smile arose as she saw me well.

My mother the beautiful queen of Mawsworl had married my father an year before I was born. She astonished my father’s kingdom with her wit and bravery. And the people were happy to have a queen like her who would never sleep until their problems were solved.

All I knew was that I had been born with her qualities, the same hazel eyes, long smooth blond hair, sturdy height, and all the well her smartness. I would also consider that I also had some of my father’s traits, the bravery, and the leadership qualities.

And looking at my parents standing all weary in front of me, I felt to budge my head somewhere.

At last, I spoke “I am fine mother just a little drowsy.” “I just fainted after hearing all that”. My father exclaimed “I am sorry dear; I had been too fast with the predictions of you understanding such conspiracies.” “I am really sorry”.

After spending a whole long morning on the bed I felt tired and less energetic. So I picked up my leather coat and staff and walked out of the room. Suddenly, I got banged heads on with my friend Shawn. “Are you alright, came to hear about you late, so came running, where are you off too?” he asked tensed. I thought of telling him everything my parents told me, I shared every happenings of the day with my friend but now I hesitated of sharing about something I too was not clear about. I thought of leaving the table turned.

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15 Reviews

Points: 470
Reviews: 15

Fri Nov 09, 2018 12:09 am
bigsisfarmer wrote a review...

I'm loving this story so far! So, as I do with all of the works I love, I'm going to review it!

"THE HOURGLASS TURNS SO DOES MY LIFE" This is a little awkward and grammatically incorrect. Maybe try changing it into. "THE HOURGLASS TURNS, REMINDING MYSELF OF/RESEMBLING MY LIFE." Just a suggestion. Also, it would probably make more sense if you added a period instead of a comma afterwards.

"And as I wake up my mother’s sound resounds in the room. “Good morning darling, get ready my sweetheart. It’s a special day for the kingdom” mom said." Honestly this is just my opinion, but it can make it confusing and grammatically inaccurate to start a sentence with and. Also before you had already stated that the mother was speaking, there is no need to restate that fact.

What exactly is a kleptomaniac? I understand if it apart of the plot to refrain from explaining this, but it becomes confusing. The reader has no idea what this is.

I was no aware at first that both the mother and the father were inside of the room. Also, whenever a new person is speaking, always go to another paragraph.

This was a great story!

varada6467 says...

Hello, and thanks for reviewing.
The first thing that I want to mention is that the line "THE HOURGLASS TURNS SO DOES MY LIFE" by this I meant to say that 'the time changed and so did my life'.......You can tell me if there is something else that I can write.
Now, Thanks a lot for reminding me about the "And" that I put at the beginning of the sentence. I know that it is wrong.

"Kleptomaniac" means to be someone who steals or is very excessively attracted towards clothes and style (fashion). You could look for it in Google if my meaning does not make the word clear.

Thanks again!! for reminding me about paragraphing.

You were a great help. As I would like to mention I am a budding writer who decided to write 2 novels which are in the making. So kindly excuse me for all the mistakes that I have made.

Thanks again,
And hope you look on to more of my posts as they keep on occuring....

bigsisfarmer says...

No problem! Thank you for explaining things to me!

varada6467 says...

I wasn't explaining!! I mean, are you taking what I wrote sarcastically. I did not mean to offend you. I have really received a good advice, so I was thanking.

bigsisfarmer says...

No I wasn't taking like that. I was thanking for explaining the definition that%u2019s all!

varada6467 says...

Ok! Thanks again for reviewing.

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870 Reviews

Points: 24423
Reviews: 870

Sun Oct 28, 2018 4:26 am
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hey there! :) Here to leave you a quick review though I don't normally go for prose.

One thing that was a little distracting is how you blend like olde english formal language with very casual very modern speech. For instance in this sentence: "Oh! Yes, I totally forgot about the dragon fest day, mom, I am up and will meet you downstairs ASAP”

^Also I would suggest sort of imagining how a character might say that, maybe even try saying it aloud to yourself. It's a bit awkward if they are screaming that whole sentence, and the way that it moves doesn't really go in a logical order of thought progression I don't think.

I agree with PrincessInk that I think the use of the word "kleptomaniac" doesn't make sense in this context - what are they stealing? Similarly there were some other issues with some of the bigger words that you used not quite fitting, I don't think "sadistically" or "shacked" work in the sentence you used it, and "lumbered" is an incredibly odd way to describe a stomach. It's always a good rule of thumb to eliminate words you don't know, or to look them up in a dictionary if you're not sure. :)

The narrator seems extremely excitable - like every thing that happens in the story send them spinning in excitement and wonderment. I didn't think they were particularly believable but it did make their character sort of unique.

I like the different little details about the world, but there's also just so much I want to know about the character's background right off the bat that we don't quite get to. What type of magic are they talking about? What is their relationship to their parents? How old are they?

The story felt a little bit like a roller coaster, things happened very quickly before I had a sense of what was happening, we were on to a new subject. It's great to have action right at the beginning, but that can get a little nauseating for readers to be put into so many spins right at the beginning. You might want to work on letting the narrator sort of take-in and process the information - so that the reader is also able to do so.


Hope that helps! Good luck in your future writing, I think you have a nice premise and character here to work with.



varada6467 says...

Thanks a lot alliyah, it does help a lot really. And about the word "Kleptomaniac" I had gone through the word in google, except for stealing it also relates to clothes, what I mean is that the word says- someone who is always confused to decide about what is to be worn at the correct time.

I thank you for reviewing my story.And would like if you keep going through the other post that I may put up.
Thanks Again

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369 Reviews

Points: 45799
Reviews: 369

Sun Oct 28, 2018 3:54 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...

Hi varada, fellow Pocuser! Here for a review.

So I have a question here: what kind of fan-fiction is it? The mention of the school reminded me of Harry Potter but of course I could be wrong. I don't really know much about fan-fiction and fandoms and the like...As I'm not that sure what work is comes from, my review could be slightly off. But anyway, I still think that it might be helpful in terms of the Story itself (I'm a fan of the title by the way! Very intriguing)

I got ready, tried on some designer clothes for the perfect day, like a kleptomaniac and stumbled down the long hallway, with red carpet covering every inch of the floor and the beautiful wall hangings, the photos of the ancestors, lined with huge ribbons giving an extra effect to their beauty.

Kleptomania, according to Wikipedia, is a disorder which makes you unable to stop needing to steal (check for more info). I'm not sure how it relates to the designer clothes? Maybe I missed something.

The dialogue sounds a bit stilted, but the main character IS a princess and her parents are king and queen. So in this case, it sounds natural! Normally, I'd be a bit iffy on how her father delivered his theory about his daughter having some magic in her, but I can imagine he was in a rush to get things over with. It makes sense. You know, the way when you have some bad news and skim over them to get the worst over?

...Then how did she get the magic? Is the queen magical? Or is it the king? Hm, it's the kind of questions that'll keep me reading in a book :D

One note I have is that maybe that the events are a bit random. Like the princess is prepping for the dragon fest one moment--and the next, she learns she has some magic. And then she faints! And then meets her friend. I'm not sure what to do about it, maybe expand on it a little so we can really "get" into the scene.

I liked the touches of worldbuilding in the beginning though! I'm curious about the dragon fest. And I can easily imagine the luxury of the palace and gardens. Somehow the red carpet makes me think that there'd be photographers clicking away as she walks toward the thrones, but that could be just me ;)

Hope this ramble helps! Let me know if I missed something you wanted feedback on :)


varada6467 says...

Thanks a lot for reviewing my story, I did once think about the same part which you mentioned- dragon fest.
Before publishing this chapter here I had actually tried understanding that part on my own, but could not understand what was I missing. Thanks a lot for helping me out, I am now posting the next chapter of the same book soon. Please do review that for me.

And do write down what all I can improve, and give me some further ideas on what I can write instead of the things that I might have written wrong

PrincessInk says...

You're welcome! :D

But I'm not sure what is the dragon fest either...I just Googled it and the links show some kind of festivals. Is that it? Or is it part of some kind of already-existing story (your story's labelled under fanfiction after all)?

I'll try to review the next chapter, but I can't promise because I may be busy, NaNo coming up and all. Still, rest assured that I will try :)

varada6467 says...

Really!! u do not need to google that, I was writing the book when I had just finished with reading a Chinese fiction. It was mentioned in that book too that there is a dragon I was thinking of it while writing. So I just decided to mention the same in my story.

PrincessInk says...

Okay, I see! :P

varada6467 says...

Thanks a lot for reviewing.

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37 Reviews

Points: 1767
Reviews: 37

Sun Oct 28, 2018 1:52 am
Boluk wrote a review...

Boluk here for a review. Now I must mention before I commence this review I should probably set some things up first. This review shall, be structured in a set of three. The first set shall be talking about the positives, the second shall be talking about the negatives, and the third shall be talking about nitpicks and stuff of that nature. With that fresh in mind may the review commence.

Positives: I must say I really like this beggining. It really opens us up to the world that our main charachter lives in. It also sets itself up for the nex chapter which will hopefully be coming out very soon. I also love that you also use a lot of colorful prose. I mean you use proper pronounciation. You also seem to set up some tiny bits of lore which seems like it'll be pretty good. Hopefully that means something great for the future of this project.

Negatives: the dialogue in this story seems to be rather clunky. It also seems quite hammy and awkward. Like it's from and old FMV game or something. Then again it also gives me nostalgia of old FMV games so whatever. The pacing seems a bit off at times as well.

Nitpicks: while I do like descriptions of charachters and the like. You seem to be too descriptive with how your charachter is feeling. It's just something I generally noticed.

Overveiw: Overall this story is pretty neat. I hope I'll be seeking more from you in the future. This may be just the beggining of something great. This seems to be pretty well written. And I know I said it before but I must say it again as it does deserve Telling. Your set up is amazing. This is a pretty good first chapter. And for writing this neat one chapter I give you 8.5 hazel eyes out of 10.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill