It was nine degrees outside when I took my last steps out of the house. The air dug at my eyes and made them water. That, was the first and the last time I cried after deciding to end my life.
As I passed through the quiet neighborhood, I wondered who would find me. quickly moving past the idea that I would never know, I looked around and tried to imagine.
I imagined the sirens flooding this once quiet part of town. Filling up the empty air that I had grown to hate so much. I imagined how stomping feet would turn this beautiful snow all into the same shade of slush gray that sat in the sky.
I imagined my mom finally coming home from work to find my note. I want to imagine her looking for me right now, but there is no chance she is home early, she's never home.
I imagined a thousand more things as I made my pilgrimage. I saw so many things in my minds eye, so many beautiful things. But every time they slipped away just as i recognized them. Then came the sadness, then came the pain.
I couldn't imagine surviving this. I didn't want to imagine that dead house with empty rooms and silent hallways. The pain took me to my knees
I Imagined myself, eyes closed at the bottom of the lake.
The pain suddenly wasn't crippling anymore
"Its almost over," I said aloud. It was half reassurance and half a promise."after this this the pain is gonna stop"
The lake grew closer with each step. I was so tired.
I found a small cove surrounded by trees and brush. The ice was thin here.
It was so peaceful and for a second I just stood there. The birds tweeted above me and the snow crunched beneath my feet. Then closed my eyes and for a second.
I hoped that some of peace would work its way into me...
It didn't
With resolve I stepped onto the glassy lake. With each step toward the center my heart quickened. With a final cold rush the ice cracked and fell from below me.
Now as the cold water holds me and draws me deeper i use the last of my breath to push a single sigh of relief. Now, now i can be at peace.
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