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16+ Violence Mature Content

Nelson’s story-Ghost House

by vampricone6783


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

*This is the origin of a character from my story “Ghost House”. This story will be underneath my folder titled “Ghost House”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*



In the 1800s, there was a young man named Nelson Williamson. A man who had money, but wanted more. Always more. The idea of money in his pocket excited him, as it did with many people, but because of his wealthy upbringing, his excitement towards money was a sickness. Business wasn’t much, he needed to take it and run off.

Nelson was in a relationship with Elaine Lawrence, whom he loved dearly, as everyone thought.

The only reason Nelson was dating her was so she could trust him. When she trusted him, she would tell him anything.

In fact, she told him of the fortune her family had, the fortune that anyone would want to have.

Nelson had to disappear after that. He had to think of a way to get the money. He knew that Elaine would think that he died, and all the better for that. When he came back, alive, she’d be overjoyed to see him again, having forgotten completely about her slip up.

........................................................................

Three years had passed. Three whole years. Nelson couldn’t wait any longer, a plan had formed in his mind. He wrote a letter to Elaine, telling her that his heart wasn’t complete without her, that they must meet in an abandoned cabin to reconnect.

He smiled to himself as he wrote the letter. She’d come, she’d listen. He was her “other half”, her “dearest love”.

Elaine never once thought about the money her family owned.

……………………………………………..

He was waiting, hiding in the darkness of the cabin, clutching a knife in his sweating hand. Elaine said that she would come, that she would be overjoyed.

Though Nelson was the one in control, he was still nervous. He never did such a thing before. Elaine was an inconvenience, he couldn’t be lodged with her. He had to be careful, he had to be precise.

After a few minutes, she arrived, looking for him. Nelson straightened up. It was time. He couldn’t mess up.

He crept up behind her and whispered in her ear:

"Miss me?"

Elaine sighed in relief. Probably relief at hearing his voice.

Well, not for long.

He raised the knife and stabbed her hip, trailing the weapon across her body and up to her neck, where she fell with a sharp thud on the ground.

Nelson smiled in satisfaction. His plan worked out perfectly. There was no need to be nervous. Elaine's screams were filled with fright, high-pitched with a slight edge of insanity, but they were brief. They were silenced by the blade of a knife.

He studied Elaine’s body, admiring how the blood flowed from her body, just like liquid rubies. It was beautiful, it was perfection. It was a painting, all for him. They didn't quite meet in secret, as much as Elaine would have liked to imagine in her "romantic mind", as she liked to call it. Her parents knew. People she loved knew. The whole town knew, as a matter of fact. The only thing that was secret was Nelson's true intentions. Secret to everyone, including Elaine.

It was amusing, how Elaine thought that he really loved her.

“You…you…”

Nelson looked up. Standing in front of him was Mr. Lawrence , Elaine’s father. He didn’t expect to see him around, but at least there was someone to praise his work!

Nelson laughed, all uneasiness escaping him. He killed Elaine, why not do the same to Mr. Lawrence? He wouldn’t be able to defend himself.

“What? Scared of a little blood?” Nelson asked, eyes sparkling with joy.

Mr. Lawrence walked up to Nelson, simmering hatred in his teary eyes. Nelson couldn’t run, the man already grabbed Nelson by the collar of his shirt.

“What are you-“

“If you say another word I’ll break your neck.” Mr. Lawerence said through gritted teeth.

No, Nelson couldn’t let that old man kill him! He had to escape, he had to…

Mr. Lawerence wouldn’t let go. He dragged Nelson outside, holding onto him firmly.

…………………………………………………………

Mr. Lawrence threw Nelson across the basement, his body hitting the wall. He had dragged Nelson to his home, to the basement, where no one would hear them.

Nelson struggled to get up, feeling as though the bones in his body were crashing into each other, tumbling into a mess. He couldn’t move, only squirmed on the ground like a worm.

“Rot in Hell.” Mr. Lawrence said gravely.

The sound of a rifle popped in Nelson’s ear. He felt the bullet land directly on his chest, blood spewing from him just as it did with Elaine.

Elaine’s death, planned so carefully, and yet, he died to Mr. Lawrence?

How could it be?


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Sat Mar 09, 2024 2:50 am
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IllegallyExisting wrote a review...



Ooo!! As a lover of stories, and especially horror stories, from the 1800s, this was a joy to read. I like how descriptive it is and teeters on the perfect middle of being not too descriptive and over descriptive, I love it! I like the introduction to Nelson and his money hungriness. How he isn't even above murdering a person, let alone someone he toyed to love.
The ending was a joy, how he ended up being caught by Mr. Lawrence and died from a gunshot.

The only criticism I would give, is that when Nelson kills Elaine. I feel like the way he kills her is somewhat over the top and one of the sequences where there ISN'T enough description. And also the fact that her screams are described afterwards instead of while it was happening.

Overall, this was very nice to read! Keep up the good work!




vampricone6783 says...


:>



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Thu Feb 29, 2024 4:38 pm
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AftonFamily09 wrote a review...



I have litterally nothing better to do so Ima run this through Grammerly. lol Ive been testing over the past three days and I need something to do.
Anyways here you go:
In the 1800s, there was a young man named Nelson Williamson. A man who had money, but wanted more. Always more. The idea of money in his pocket excited him, as it did with many people, but because of his wealthy upbringing, his excitement towards money was a sickness. Business wasn’t much, he needed to take it and run off.

Nelson was in a relationship with Elaine Lawrence, whom he loved dearly, as everyone thought.

The only reason Nelson was dating her was so she could trust him. When she trusted him, she would tell him anything.

She told him of the fortune her family had, the fortune that anyone would want to have.

Nelson had to disappear after that. He had to think of a way to get the money. He knew that Elaine would think that he died, and all the better for that. When he came back, alive, she’d be overjoyed to see him again, having forgotten completely about her slip-up.

........................................................................

Three years had passed. Three whole years. Nelson couldn’t wait any longer, a plan had formed in his mind. He wrote a letter to Elaine, telling her that his heart wasn’t complete without her and that they must meet in an abandoned cabin to reconnect.

He smiled to himself as he wrote the letter. She’d come, she’d listen. He was her “other half”, her “dearest love”.

Elaine never once thought about the money her family-owned.

……………………………………………..

He was waiting, hiding in the darkness of the cabin, clutching a knife in his sweating hand. Elaine said that she would come and that she would be overjoyed.

Though Nelson was the one in control, he was still nervous. He had never done such a thing before. Elaine was an inconvenience, he couldn’t be lodged with her. He had to be careful, he had to be precise.

After a few minutes, she arrived, looking for him. Nelson straightened up. It was time. He couldn’t mess up.

He crept up behind her and whispered in her ear:

"Miss me?"

Elaine sighed in relief. Probably relief at hearing his voice.

Well, not for long.

He raised the knife and stabbed her hip, trailing the weapon across her body and up to her neck, where she fell with a sharp thud on the ground.

Nelson smiled in satisfaction. His plan worked out perfectly. There was no need to be nervous. Elaine's screams were filled with fright, high-pitched with a slight edge of insanity, but they were brief. They were silenced by the blade of a knife.

He studied Elaine’s body, admiring how the blood flowed from her body, just like liquid rubies. It was beautiful, it was perfection. It was a painting, all for him. They didn't quite meet in secret, as much as Elaine would have liked to imagine in her "romantic mind", as she liked to call it. Her parents knew. People she loved knew. The whole town knew. The only thing that was secret was Nelson's true intentions. Secret to everyone, including Elaine.

It was amusing, how Elaine thought that he loved her.

“You…you…”

Nelson looked up. Standing in front of him was Mr. Lawrence, Elaine’s father. He didn’t expect to see him around, but at least there was someone to praise his work!

Nelson laughed, all uneasiness escaping him. He killed Elaine, why not do the same to Mr. Lawrence? He wouldn’t be able to defend himself.

“What? Scared of a little blood?” Nelson asked, eyes sparkling with joy.

Mr. Lawrence walked up to Nelson, simmering hatred in his teary eyes. Nelson couldn’t run, the man already grabbed Nelson by the collar of his shirt.

“What are you-“

“If you say another word I’ll break your neck.” Mr. Lawerence said through gritted teeth.

No, Nelson couldn’t let that old man kill him! He had to escape, he had to…

Mr. Lawerence wouldn’t let go. He dragged Nelson outside, holding onto him firmly.

…………………………………………………………

Mr. Lawrence threw Nelson across the basement, his body hitting the wall. He had dragged Nelson to his home, to the basement, where no one would hear them.

Nelson struggled to get up, feeling as though the bones in his body were crashing into each other, tumbling into a mess. He couldn’t move, only squirmed on the ground like a worm.

“Rot in Hell.” Mr. Lawrence said gravely.

The sound of a rifle popped in Nelson’s ear. He felt the bullet land directly on his chest, blood spewing from him just as it did with Elaine.

Elaine’s death, was planned so carefully, and yet, he died to Mr. Lawrence?

How could it be?




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Wed Feb 28, 2024 10:20 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, fair companion!



May the day find thee well and prosperous. 🌞 While taking a stroll with me shiny horse, Elvis 🐴, I stumbled upon this noble work. As I rise from my horse, I hereby pledge my loyalty to the KotGR by using the KotGR Review Template 🐉📚

Prepare thyself, for I shall take a thorough look and leave thee astonished. ✨


Image

First, let's praise the qualities that shine as brightly as the polished steel of a knight's shield!

This was an interesting Origin of Nelson’s story and the ending was the absolute wow-factor! I was totally not expecting the ending to come out like that, but I have to say, it was thought through. Great job there!

I honestly thought the story was going to end with Elaine getting killed, but the fact that the killer (Nelson) got killed too, is just something else. This was an amazing concept!

I read Elaine’s story-Ghost House and Luke’s story-Ghost House after this story and that definitely helped getting a better vision of everyone's motives and thoughts.

Your dialogues/thoughts are really fitting with each character: That uniqueness that every character has is great. Ku2!


Image

Like a knight sharpening his sword after battle, let us sharpen your story; these suggestions are meant only to help you in your quest for excellence, with no intention of offending.

Firstly, I’d suggest adding some more backstory to your origins:

For example, in all three stories (Nelson’s, Elaine’s and Luke’s stories) you talk about that one moment where the murders happen and about everyone’s unique feelings in that situation, but I think your story could benefit from flashbacks of just more depth.

Think about adding how Nelson and Elaine met? Or why did they have to meet in secret everytime? Maybe add something about Nelson’s youth that made him like that: greedy for money.

~~~

Secondly, I’d suggest checking for plot holes:

My main question here was, how did Mr Luke Lawrence find out about their relationship if they met in secret? Because you mentioned that he didn’t like Nelson and always thought he wanted to kill Elaine.

And Luke didn't like him. Not one bit. He couldn't pinpoint why, he just didn't like the way Nelson looked at his daughter.

Like he wanted to kill her.


And then you mentioned him taking a stroll in the woods one day, but why? I’d suggest adding some more reason behind this.

One night he was taking a stroll in the woods next to an abandoned house, when he heard it.


~

In Luke’s story you added:
Screams. Loud, penetrating, helpless coming from the house.

And in Nelson’s story you said Elaine didn’t have time to scream. Who were the screams from then?:

Nelson smiled in satisfaction. His plan worked out perfectly. There was no need to be nervous. Elaine didn’t even have time to scream.


~

Here you called Luke an old man, but if he was such an old man, how could Nelson not fight him? Nelson had to be much younger than him, right?:
No, Nelson couldn’t let that old man kill him! He had to escape, he had to…


~

That’s all the critique I have, I hope it can help you. :D


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The ending is my favourite part of the story. I love the fact that he’s thinking where it all went wrong? And the fact that he got killed by his girlfriend’s father after he killed his girlfriend is just the perfect shocking ending. In my eyes, the ending is a gem!

Elaine’s death, planned so carefully, and yet, he died to Mr. Lawrence?

How could it be?



Image


This is overall a wonderful story with a strong concept. Apart from checking for possible plot holes and adding some more backstories to your characters this is a great read with fitting dialogues. The fact that your readers get a different insight into everyone's motives/thoughts in every origin is super cool!

Take the courage and check out… 📗

These two stories also involve multiple murders with characters who have interesting backgrounds. I think the way that this author has placed (flashbacks) background info on his characters is very nice.

I’d suggest you take a look at these stories and maybe you can find some inspiration there:

Wants to Know Your Story—Part 1 (Violence Alert!) and Wants to know Your Story—Part 2 (Violence Alert!) by @ImrannChowdhury

May the stars guide thy path by day and by night! Keep up your noble work, for you are truly remarkable!

Image
With Knightly regards, Amaya Statham


Ah, behold! Psst!
Spoiler! :

Should thou aspire to join the esteemed ranks of the Knights of the Green Room, pledge your allegiance by writing ten Green Room Reviews. Declare in this thread that thou wishes to become a Knight. Through this noble quest, thou shalt help defeat the beasts that threaten our realm.




vampricone6783 says...


Thank you. I forgot about the screams in Luke's story, I'll edit it.



AmayaStatham says...


You're Welcome! I'm glad I could help ^^



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Wed Feb 28, 2024 10:03 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review your new short story using my Familiar method today! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

What a fascinating and wonderfully gruesome short horror here! Nelson made for an interesting main character and antagonist, as it felt like his addiction to money drove him to lose humanity. The tension and anxiety as he waits for Elaine was well captured, and the shock of her demise was immediately amplified as Mr. Lawrence cut in. Leading to an ending where vengeance is swiftly delivered, to Nelson's dismay. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

I have just one tiny recommendation regarding a moment in the second portion. Here:

Nelson couldn’t wait any longer, a plan had formed in his mind. He wrote a letter to Elaine, telling her that his heart wasn’t completely without her and could they meet in an abandoned cabin to reconnect?


There may have been a minor error in the second sentence. Perhaps "telling her that his heart wasn't complete without her"? Likewise, the lack of commas and shift in past and present perspectives made it a little bit awkward to read, and I think you could separate the question to make it read better (example: ...telling her that his heart wasn't complete without her. He then asked if they could meet in an abandoned cabin to reconnect."

Of course, that's just my opinion and I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. I still enjoyed the story regardless ~

Why The Grin Widened...

This seems to be a common pattern in your writing, but I wanted to remark on it anyway; I love that this story is told from the villain's perspective, as it adds another layer of morbidity to the equation and makes it a little more unique in contrast to the default horror narrative. I like hearing the details of a protagonist's fear and disgust as they find the monster, but I also like getting in the monster's head. It's a fun play ~

...I guess that was a really long way of saying "I like your writing style" XD

The description of Elaine's death stuck out, the way you described the blood spilling out like "liquid rubies." That's a very poetic way to describe it, so props for detail, and it also put more perspective on the depth of Nelson's disconnect from humanity. Even staring at the fresh corpse of a girl who loved him, he can only see treasure; that blood -and his fortune to claim- spilling out of her...Okay, so I don't know if that was intentional or if I'm crazy, but it worked well!

And finally, that ending was brilliantly captured! As justice is delivered by Mr. Lawrence, Nelson can only show confusion and regret about how his plan failed -not a trace of mercy or empathy for the victim or her father. Chilling!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, another great horror story! I also have a question while I'm here; I noticed one of your newer stories from the "Elsdale Circus" collection you have in the Green Room, and seeing that it was an origin story, I was wondering if there was a certain order to read those stories in?

Anyway, nicely done! :)

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vampricone6783 says...


Thank you for reading and your suggestions!

In my "Elsdale Circus" folder, read this in order:

1. The clown with the artifical doll eyes
2. Percy's Plight
3. Truth doesn't die
4. Prudence's story
5. Caspian's magic does wonders!
6. Celia meets the magician!

There is more to come with my Ghost House stories and my Elsdale stories among others, but I am glad that you enjoyed this and appreciate that you want to check out one of my universes. Have a splendid day!



RavenAkuma says...


No problem! And thanks for clarifying! :)



vampricone6783 says...


You%u2019re welcome! :>




I should infinitely prefer a book.
— Mary Bennet, Pride and Prejudice