Young Writers Society

Hi, hello there! This is Ina speaking. I am here to give a quick comment/review.

I really like it when you separate you story's parts into chapters. I love the 'light-reading-ness" of it. It might be dark in like the next few stories that might be related to this plot. I love the dialogue between the two sisters but maybe you should write who's speaking and who's who. And more description for May and Heather, I don't know if that's really your style of writing but I think it'll be clearer with more description. Over all, the plot is interesting but maybe you should fix the spaces of the lines. You might want to also bold out the chapters too.

I hope this helps! Have a good morning, day, afternoon, or night.

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I really liked this story! It was light and fun and it kept me interested throughout. I was not particularly 'invested' in the plot of the story (if you know what I mean), but I had this gentle kind of curiosity to just see what happened next with the sisters.

Despite the fact that the entire story was in the form of conversations and that there was hardly any narration, its amazing how you have still managed to establish the characters of the two sisters and their unique, distinct voices. Their interactions were often short and one-sided, but they were believable and a very typical representation of a sibling relationship. I especially liked that part where May grew a little concerned at Heather's silence after she had told her to stop pestering her. Scenes like these hint at the relationship between the characters and I wish you had included more such subtle scenes.

I did feel as if the story got over too quickly, but since the premise is simple and light, the fast pace does not work as a disadvantage. Still, I think if you had expanded on some of the characters or focused a little more on worldbuilding, I would have enjoyed the story even more. For example, that scene where May encounters the clown while going to her room - the sudden appearance of the clown is a bit jarring, but I feel as though the transition in that scene could have been smoother if you had focused a bit more on the narration and the worldbuilding.

Lastly, this is more of a personal opinion, but I would suggest you to write the Chapter headings in bold or perhaps even underline them. Since the story is extremely concise and fast-paced, more often than not the Chapter headings get lost in the narration. Making the demarcation clearer will help your readers to make the distinction between the chapters. Otherwise, they might just get overlooked..

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Hey Vampricone6783, Broady here with a review!

Firstly, it's a pretty interesting story, and you have a really cool world right there! I'm interested to read more about it in future posts and on the other posts that you have posted thus far!

Also, it's quite a unique experience for me to read a story that is almost mainly using conversations. I don't have anything bad to say about it, just that at times I don't really know who is doing the conversation. But, it is really cool though, and to be fair, the story progresses through conversations and it is unique since most stories add in plenty of descriptives and elaboration but this gets straight to the point!

Lastly before I go, I feel that maybe you can work on your spacing in some places? That's something I feel strongly about since I'm kinda particular when it comes to the formatting but it's perfectly fine as it is

Also, I'm not sure about why each chapter is only a few lines long but I just wanted to say that usually, in most stories, a chapter is usually a few pages to dozens of pages long. But then again, it's mainly up to your personal preference I suppose, since there isn't an official law or a rule on how you write stories

Once again, it's a really cool story and I hope to see more of it! )