*This is “The clown and the little girl:Part two” in the perspective of the babysitter,Rosalie.Enjoy! Gacha Club character designs are in my wall.
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You encounter a lot of strange things when you’re a babysitter.
Especially when you’re Rosalie Tremblay.
wall.
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She sighed at the house in front of her.She heard that the girl there was different.
She could handle different.
……………………
“Hey! I’m Loraine.Want me to show you my friends?”
Huh.She thought she’d only be taking care of her.
“Sure,I guess.”
……………………
“Who are these people?”
“My friends.”
“You can’t have strangers here,Loraine.”
She was told that Loraine had no siblings and that it would just be her and the child. She didn’t see anyone come in the front door.
So who were the people standing in her room?
……………………
Loraine claimed that the clown,strange girl,man and woman were ghosts,but she knew better.
The poor girl was brainwashed and she needed to call the police!
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“No!”
She tried to call the police,but-
She was dropped into the ground.
……………………
She was locked in the closet with Loraine.
Locked because there was this woman with them.
A demon woman like no other.
……………………
She walked towards them,a menacing animal on the prowl.
Meanwhile,Rosalie was confused as heck.
What was going on here?
Not only was she confused, but desperate. She just came to babysit a child.
Now here she was, locked away in a closet, unable to open the door.
Why did the closet door need a lock? Why did she come here? Why did..
……………………
And everything just blurred.
Blurred away.
……………………
Yet there was still darkness.
All around her.
……………………
She was slowly coming to.
Slowly, but surely.
……………………
“Rosalie? Are you okay?”
She opened her eyes to find Loraine looking down at her,concerned.
“Yeah.I’m fine...”
……………………
“Don’t you remember? That demon woman kidnapped us but then the clown saved us! He did! You remember,don’t you?”
It was the same story she told to her minutes earlier.Now they were in the living room,siting together on the couch.
Rosalie shrugged.
“I think I just hit my head,that’s all.I don’t remember anything.”
“But you have to!”
She hated how scared Loraine sounded. There was no reason for her to be afraid. She just fell asleep, that’s all.
“Sorry,kid.I don’t remember a thing.”
She saw how crestfallen the girl looked and immediately felt bad.
“Want some ice cream? I think there’s some in the freezer.” Rosalie said in an attempt to cheer her up.
Loraine nodded.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! This work of yours has been in the green room a while, so I thought I'd review it to bump it out!
I think this is an interesting story. You certainly have an abundance of terrifying ideas. I also liked how dreamlike it felt; her isolated thoughts made her experiences seem really hazy, which they were. The ending was also pretty sad and a little spooky as well; I liked how it was anticlimactic, in a way, and it makes me interested to go and read it from Loraine's perspective as well.
One thing I liked was the detached nature it had. The way the prose was structured made it feel hazy as I said before. I think the shortness of it too helped reflect Rosalie's mental state in the work nicely. The vague descriptions also play into that detached-ness, which I liked, and I think is very fitting for the story.
I did wonder why you chose to break it up into so many chapters; I think one-word/one-sentence chapters can be effective if they're used minimally, and to have so many in short succession felt really jerky. I think that to give the piece the same detached feeling without breaking it up into so many chapters, you could simply use white space or page breaks.
One thing I'd also like to see more of is perhaps more development of Rosalie as a character; we know she's a good babysitter, but we don't get much else from her. Since this whole story is from her perspective, I think it'd be nice if we got perhaps a little more insight into her own story from it. I didn't get much of her personality coming through in the dialogue or narration.
Overall: nice work! With a little more development on Rosalie's character and narration, I think you could really elevate this other perspective of an already-told story to the next level! Until next time!
Thanks for the tidbits!
Hello, I hope you're having a good day or night!
I really liked the opening line in this piece! It immediately hooked me into your story, introduced me to Rosalie, and foreshadowed the conflict she'd soon have to face. I think it could've been a little clearer, maybe instead of-
-you could have something like "You see some strange things as a babysitter." or the like, so it flows more smoothly off the page. But other than that, it read really, really well!
I did think this story was a little weaker than some of your previous works. It definitely wasn't bad, not at all! But I got to the end, and I kinda felt like nothing really happened. This girl- Rosalie, goes to a house to babysit, gets locked in a closet, wakes up, and writes it off as a dream. It just didn't feel as structurally sound as your other stories.
Overall though, this was a very solid piece! I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I liked how you broke up Rosalies bouts of consciousness via chapter headings, as though long periods of time were passing. I think this could be more effective if the other chapters were longer, and I would warn against using this trick often, because it can often look a little amateur, but as seen here, you utilize it really well!
So with all that said, keep on writing, and have a great day!
Hello, again..... Jade here to review another work of yours. I want to clear out the Green Room and focus on some stories with less attention, and I enjoy your work so it works out well for me!
I know in other reviews, I have focused on the format, prose, dialogue, and most technical aspects of writing. This time, I want to focus on the characters you create and what I like about them, as well as what can be improved!
“Who are these people?”
“My friends.”
“You can’t have strangers here,Loraine.”
This character doesn't know Loraine, right? She's heard the stories of the girl. So why is she saying, strangers? How is she to know that the child didn't have friends or other family members? If it was stated that she was an only child beforehand, this would make everything more creepy!
Locked because there was this woman with them.
A demon woman like no other.
This sounds terrifying, and I think it's a lot of people's worst fears, but you're not describing the horror to its full potential. You're not saying how she's clawing at the door until her hands are bloody, trying to free herself. You're not talking about how her heartbeat is so loud it drowns out the footsteps of the demon. Give us more, and we'll be able to fear the horror as opposed to just reacting to it.
Other than little nitpicks like that, those are my only concerns! I loved reading this story from you and I hope to see more soon. Your writing is so fun to read!
Jade