Heyyy!!
I'm coming into this without having read the other parts this time... I'd love to, but your list of related works is getting very long and hard to sort through. I know a lot of your work takes place in the same universe, but it may be worth doing some sorting of your YWS portfolio so all your readers have an easier time finding all the works that are actually a single piece, and will thus be able to give you more chained reviews.
Now then, onto actual business.
Something that I think will really help you going forward is to consider two things: how can you describe the way that things feel without saying "he/she/they felt," and what do people look like when they feel that way?
In this piece there are two instances that really stand out to me as places where you can work on this kind of thinking. The first is when Melanie grows her wings, and the second is when Azrail talks about killing Jasmine.
So, for the wing-growing. It seems to me like this ought to be a kind of emotional climax. In purely trope-based analysis, physical transformation is often a sign of radical change in a person's state of mind (which I assume would have happened in the previous chapter). So, as a climax, I think the growing of wings deserves a lot of time and attention. You have given it two sentences of feeling, and then a sort of "what? I'm so confused and idk what is happening to my own body" piece of dialogue (which I also... don't think serves your intent, actually).
That's why you might consider being more detailed about this feeling. Now let's consider how. Growing wings is probably a process, right? So let's break it down. It probably starts with some discomfort, as the bone and muscle necessary begin to form under the skin. You then have the breaking-free moment, which you briefly described, and then probably a little more growing and then an unfurling.
You can also break it down by all the bodily bits that would make up a pair of wings. There's bone, muscle, tendons, feathers, blood veins, new nerve endings (which I bet feel real weird), and also new skin under the feathers. What does it feel like for each of these things to be growing? How do these parts pair with the steps we established earlier?
Then, once you have a better understanding of the process of growing wings in this universe, then you will have an easier time describing what it feels like. So for example, it might read like this:
"Twin knots of pain burned in the center of Melanie's back. They grew, pulling her skin and tightening her ribcage, until, with a scream of pain, she felt the knots erupt. Blood spilled from the wounds, soaking into her now-torn clothes, but underneath all the stinging, biting hurt, Melanie felt something new. Her senses expanded to something huge and arm-like behind her, and as she reached back to assess the damage, her fingers brushed, not a gaping wound, but strong, soft feathers."
Obviously, you would have your own take on this, and what I've written is just an example, but you can kind of see how I've broken down the moment to draw it out and give it more detail, depth, and weight as is appropriate for the weight of the moment in the story.
For the other instance with Azrail:
While I do think there are a lot of occasions where we don't want to attach too much tag to a line of dialogue, the moments where people are especially emotional, where in a movie you would really rely on an actor's expression and vocal change to imbue the line with more than its pure meaning, you do want to say something about the way a person speaks.
Azrail, I assume, given the plot, has some regret about not only his actions but the way he felt as he took those actions in the past. So, when he talks about this, what does his regret look like? Does he grit his teeth as he speaks? I don't know if vampires can cry, but do the makings of angry tears well up in his eyes? Does he clench his fists, or avoid making eye contact with Melanie? These are all physical things that will show us how he feels, to add weight to a line that may need some clarification so we have your intended feelings associated with it.
Last thing: I agree with foxmaster that the phrasing for Jasmine's body as a prison is very nice. I'd love to see you do more of that kind of poetic metaphor in the future.
Hope this helps,
-Vento
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