z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Enisa’s origin story-From “Eloise-the demented doll woman”

by vampricone6783


*This origin story isn’t important either to my story:”Eloise-the demented doll woman”,but the next one I’ll post will be important.You can look at Gacha Club character designs in my wall.Have fun reading!



In the 1960s, there was a woman named Enisa who was shopping for clothes at a boutique called:"Eloise's boutique."  She had brought her son over, Eddie, to come with her every time.

Sometimes, the store owner, Eloise, accused her precious Eddie of putting his snotty hands all over the clothes. Enisa couldn't understand why she would say those horrible things about him!  What kind of woman would say that about a child?

But Eloise was...not like any other woman she had known and Enisa didn't like that.

Even though Enisa didn't like her, she still went to her boutique, because she had nice clothes and she liked getting the clothes Eloise made.

One day when she went shopping, her son, Eddie, went missing in the store. Just missing. Gone. No trace of him around.

He just went missing.

She searched for him, but could never find him. The police marked Eddie as missing and the case is still around to this day, strange and unsolved.  Just a kid lost, never to be seen again. Enisa often wondered what happened to him. (When she was alive). She is long dead now, and Eddie’s disappearance forever remains a mystery, filled to the brim with conspiracies, and legends, yet not even close to solving his disappearance.



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Mon Jan 03, 2022 5:08 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

In the 1960s,there was a woman named Enisa who was shopping for clothes at a boutique,called:"Eloise's boutique." She had brought her son over,Eddie,to come with her every time.

Sometimes,the store owner,Eloise,accused her precious Eddie of putting his snotty hands all over the clothes.Enisa couldn't understand why she would say those horrible things about him! What kind of woman would say that about a child?

But Eloise was...not like any other woman she had known and Enisa didn't like that.

Even though Enisa didn't like her,she still went to her boutique,because she had nice clothes and she liked getting the clothes she made.

One day when she went shopping,her son,Eddie,went missing in the store!

Enisa never found him,but while she lived,she often wondered what happened to him...


Okayy....well we're back with the extra short style it seems, although I suppose it is only fitting, considering it appears this woman does play a rather minor role in this story here, being the mother of the unfortunate soul that ends up murdered. I did feel though that you could have used soo much emotion in this one, since we did have a mother just lose their child here to a horrible murder.

The start here is fine. We get to see what the mother thinks of her son and the way Eloise did here complaining. We knew she was mistaken there, but then that is exactly what you expect a mother to think here when some random lady makes an accusation like that. The whole clothes reason for continuing to come back is also shaky but acceptable, its the end though that seems like it could be so much more.

There you seem to gloss over the fact that this mother just accepts here child is missing and lets it remain a mystery to here. I understand it being a mystery and perhaps these sisters doing something to ensure that the child's body doesn't go back to the mother, it seems like a more humane option at any rate for a mother to not have to see the mangled murdered body of their child, but I still think we should see more emotions here at the idea of it missing, rather than simply ending with this one line.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Jan 03, 2022 4:15 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

So we are kind of getting to see from every possible perspective. It's quite great and innovative thought to make origin stories from different people involved in the story(Though the people might not be the most significant characters).

Anyway, let's get into this specific story. Well, this woman, Enise is a bit awkward. No, not the most awkward person but she indeed is a bit awkward. Like she is kind of(maybe unintentionally) a bit uncaring about his son. Though she did see the fact that the shop owner was not very happy with her son and was insulting him for no reason (We do know that it was the mischief of the boy but well, let's see from Enise's POV), she didn't take any action. If Ia m not wrong, she didn't tell anything to Emily. That's not the most natural thing. Also, she kind of blindly trusted her son. Like I mean she should have judged who exactly was right- Eloise or her son. She would have known the truth that way though. Hm... Seems like this boy was the main culprit behind Eloise's villainy. Maybe, I am not sure after all. It's sad that Enisa gave priority to the clothes rather than her son. If it were not for her, maybe Eddie wouldn't have met his end.

The strangest thing in this story is the last sentence. Did Enisa search for him? I do expect a mother to do that. If she did, I would highly recommend to include the fact that she did and to summarise her desparate nature at finding her son. That would normalise the sentence. Otherwise, it seems way too casual to happen in reality.

Keep Writing!!
Image






She did search for him,but could never find him.I%u2019ll add this to the story.Thanks for reviewing!




The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
— H. L. Mencken