*This story is underneath my folder titled “Claudia of the sea”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Alanna floated above the ocean, towards the last town she and the others went to.
“Doe Beach”.
So that was what it was called? “Doe Beach”?
Once away from the ocean, Alanna floated through the town. It was still night, the sky speckled with stars, like the gems of the Josette family dresses.
Finally, Alanna stopped in front of a small, ramshackle house that was cast with violets, and a sign in front of it that read:
“Adonis’ Abode”.
She couldn’t believe it. All she had to do was float across the ocean and she ended up right there, at the place where Caden’s nightmare waited. That was all it took.
Alanna didn’t hesitate and floated forward.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
A really short chapter overall. I like that Alanna does want to help Caden but she never once even questions how taking revenge is going to do that. Will it accomplish her goal, actually? Because, yes apparently Adonis is the reason for Caden's situation but what exactly does she want to do now?
I also wonder what it means that she can apparently just casually float over an entire ocean without breaking a sweat and just happens to find what she is looking for immediately. Did Adonis maybe want her to find this?
Alanna is dead. She's a ghost. She can float.
You can read the rest under my folder "Claudia of the sea".
Hey vampricone! I'm here to leave a super quick review!
So! A kind of short addition to your story, but suspenseful nonetheless. I read the previous chapter, although I sort of skimmed it, but I feel like I've reviewed or read one of the stories in this series. I think it's a really interesting story, especially that Alanna wants to help Caden by getting revenge on who cursed him.
I like this metaphor! It gives great imagery of the sky, and the stars being like gems.
I also like the description of the house, and the words you used to describe it: kind of like a petite, worn out cottage, but adorned with pretty flowers. It's an interesting image to conjure.
The only critiques I can think of is that I realized that you kind of sounded repetitive, but I don't think you intended it. Here's what I mean: At the start, you said this:
and later this:
It kind of has the same structure of naming the place, followed by saying "so that was...?" Maybe you could change the wording of one of them so it's doesn't sound like you're repeating yourself. Unless, of course, you intended this for a reason I'm not getting. Then ignore this.
I would say overall I like your visual descriptions and the sort of mysterious vibe, but it would be nice if you added details about the other senses that she was feeling like smell or hearing or what kind of mood the town was like when she entered. That could set the scene with more background and maybe prepare the reader for something.
So yeah, that's it. A super quick review. I hope you'll keep writing this story, I'm intruiged! And remember to only keep what you think is important and forget the rest. Have a good day/night!
- Ant
Thanks for your review!