Mikasa veered of to the left. and out of the corner of his eye eren saw her grapple onto the back of the crawler. before she took of out of his sight using gas to propel herself forward looking ahead once again eren saw the closest abhorrent about a 8 meter blonde titan with a scrawny frame and long face Ymir was already in front trying to attract its attention she had obviously seen him and was trying to give him a clear kill inhaling eren muttered softly to himself “come on eren, you can do this. His nape is exposed. He doesn’t even know your here. It will be a nice clean kill” jumping up his manoeuvre gear shot him forwards his grapples sank into the soft skin just above the titans nape and he sped towards his target pulling his blades back and letting his momentum give him power he let his arms fall forward and slice through the titans neck allowing a small amount of blood to get on his face he knew it would evaporate soon but he still hated the feeling of how dry and hot their blood was in contrast to humans warm and sticky landing next Ymir he got nothing more then a nod before she ran of in the opposite direction to help mikasa with the crawler whilst connie and Sasha dealt with the last jumper Looking back at the titans corpse behind him eren couldn't help but feel proud of his kill even under the circumstances they were in.
“Rooarrrr” eren shot his head to the origins of the sound blades out ready but settled as he saw that connie had just killed the last jumper and he and Sasha were now standing atop its corpse in each others embrace breathing a sigh of relief he was about to join mikasa and Ymir with the crawler when a large blurred figure on all fours with short brown hair snapped into view eren only just had time to register it as the ten meter crawler before it lunged forward at the couple with its jaw open and poised to crash down upon them when with lighting speed and accuracy mikasa grappled onto the crawlers forehead from the right did a full circle around the titans head to fast for eren to make out anything but a blur of the red scarf he had given her as a child before she landed upon the dead titans corpse to push connie and Sasha out of the trajectory of the titans gaping mouth but the force of having to push the couple away slowed mikasa’s movement to much. Time seemed to slow down as her eyes meet his the look of complete terror and hopelessness carved onto mikasa’s face as if she were a statue in some rich merchants garden. Her soft delicate lips mouthed the words
“Eren live,”
the titans mouth came crashing down with a horrendous force causing a display of blood and screams to fill the air. Eren stood motionless the scene before him locking his muscles into place, sounds of the Ymir eventually killing the crawler were muffled as mikasa’s scream were still present in his head finally finding the strength to look up Eren saw mikasa’s red scarf slowly falling and glistening in the sunlight. But instead of reflecting the dark red fabric as it usally did instead it shined on the deep crimson liquid of a scarf drenched in blood
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Canary word: Present
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Wow! This fanfiction is just getting better and better!! It's so intense!!
I left a review on your first one, and you can expect me to continue until you use some punctuation. You MUST start using periods. It takes away from the story so much when it's at an intense part and you have to focus on when one sentence ends and another begins!
Also, please make sure your spelling is correct. It's okay if there's a typo here and there, but more than once you spelled 'off' like 'of.'
Please (!) start using punctuation!!!
hahah just look at my replies to firepower and jazzydracula below that is the premisis of what I was going to write in this reply haahah
but thank you for the tips and I will try and Improve My grammer and punctuation and THANK YOU for actually continuing to read my fanfic after reading the the first chapter that really gives me a confidence boost That people actually like my writing once again thank you for the tips
happy writing
Hello!
I don't watch Attack on Titan, although I'm fairly sure it is anime? Not positive, however. So my review may be just a little skewed by my lack of knowledge on the subject. I'll try my best, though.
One thing that makes this rather hard to follow is the fact that you use no periods. That's fine if it is in a poem and the lines are spaced out, but in a story it is a bit of a requirement. Imagine every sentence as a little train, and the periods slow them down, so they don't go too fast and crash into each other.
Another issue you have is with capitalizations. I'll do an example for you.
Eren muttered softly to himself, “Come on Eren, you can do this. His nape is exposed, he doesn’t even know you're here. It will be a nice clean kill.”
As you can see, it reads better when everything is separated out into sentences instead of being one long run on.
However, the action in your story was quite good, and if you fixed the grammar issues, you'd have yourself a nice little fanfic!
Happy review day!
Thank you for the pointers i am laughing at myself right now because everybody is saying the same thing about how the story is great but I need to use punctuation and i know its true but when I write I get excited and want to get everything onto the page and then I want to post it for people to enjoy ASAP and completely forget about punctuation
I will try and get over my giddy excitment when I write and use proper grammer and punctuation Once again thank you for the tips
Happy writing
Oh, I see! Well, maybe try getting the whole thing into the page, then go back and add punctuation?
Yeah Ill try thanks again for the tips
Hello! I don't watch/read/play/whatever Attack On Titan.
So I'm just going to look for typos and nitpicks. By the way, Happy Review Day!
The first things I see are three big, chunky paragraphs. I used to do this too, but it actually discourages people to read your story. Can you break them up a little bit? That might help.
I'm reading through and I can't see any full stops! Full stops tell the reader to take a breath, if you don't breathe you're going to run out of air! I've edited this firt bit for you as an example:
Without editing: Mikasa veered of to the left and out of the corner of his eye eren saw her grapple onto the back of the crawler before she took of out of his sight using gas to propel herself forward
With editing: Mikasa veered off to the left. Out of the corner of his eye, Eren saw her grapple onto the back of the crawler. Then she took off out of his sight using gas to propel herself forward.
Does that help? You can see how I broke it up into a few smaller sentences. Try doing this with the rest of the story.
I don't know about Attack On Titan, but I did enjoy the action in the story. I think it could be a great piece if you fix the sentences!
thank you so much for the compliments and helping me with grammer I always get to excited when I write because I want to but all my ideas onto paper and therefore post it up because Im so exicted And want people to see it so I entirely forget about grammer
once again thank you for the pointers and I will try to overcome my giddy excitment and add grammer to help readers Thank you again
Happy writing
I completely understand! I have been writing out a giant plan for a story and I just type my ideas as they come- no capitals, full stops, speech marks, nothing.
Yeah it feels great when you can just write with no restrictions
(ps nice profile pic Toph was always my favourite)
(nice choice)