Young Writers Society

"So now appreciate the cold wind against your skin

It is all that will ever touch you without feeling like a sin" I love the wording here, it

literally sounds like a song lyric.

"The blood is all over the tapestry of embroiled memories" This illustrates guilt and

regret perfectly.

Overall amazing language. I did get a little lost at the end...was the writer

punishing himself with "only" having the fork and knife? Was it supposed to

illustrate humility?

GREAT JOB!

I like it, i like the way it started as a philosophical critic to something that tears the main character up, and ended as a dramatic killing secret, it may be better if it were not bookish verse, but it is anyways absolutely amazing.

On the other hand, i like the way you tell a story in only a few lines, it´s wonderful how you do it, by the way if you write a little bit deeper history, it might be more powerfull your message

Hello! This is a random weirdo here to give you a short review. (Sorry that it's not longer)

This is very interesting! I wonder who you're talking about? It makes me think of some sort of bully who went to far, and can't explain what they did. Though, you do say,

Even if it wasn’t what you intended,

One tiny black thread seemed out of place

You pulled it

Now everything has collapsed

It feels like you aren’t looking at a broken mirror

You are it,

You are broken, and not for good

Hey there! This is loveisourgrapes and I am here to give you a little review. The title is very fitting for the description so I planned to review/comment on it. Plus, it only had one review.

"It feels like you aren’t looking at a broken mirror
You are it,
You are broken, and not for good"

These lines have a catchy ring to it and it tells a message that the narrator used to look at something broken that is like them but now, the one that is truly broken is them.

"The words to defend yourself won’t ever come out,
as they didn’t come out when it was still time to make it up"

In every fight or any conversation the narrator is in, they can't seem to defend themselves. They can't seem to find the right words and feel like they might hurt someone with the words. This may be relatable to me so yeah. if it happens to you, I am sorry,

"So now appreciate the cold wind against your skin
It is all that will ever touch you without feeling like a sin"

These lines may be related to the message you are trying to bring but it felt random in how you have arranged them to be. The rhymes are great though.

"You don’t get to be the wounded animal when you hunted your peers
Even if it wasn’t what you intended"

These lines show that the narrator struggles with opening up about their feelings and peer pressure. Even if you don't intend to hurt anybody, they get hurt because people have perspectives and expectations for every person they talk to and there are some people who get hurt fast because of pride and ego. Especially if you are a teen, and the peers around get hurt.

"The blood is all over the tapestry of embroiled memories you swore to protect
One tiny black thread seemed out of place
You pulled it
Now everything has collapsed"

This one is pretty deep. The description of a thread of a fragile piece of clothing. When you pull that thread, everything breaks apart. Maybe collapsed shouldn't be the word. Break apart sounds better to me.

"But you’ll be fine, you’ll be able to save up
Just enough to buy one silver fork and one wooden knife
No need to have more, it will only be you sitting with your thoughts"

This ending felt just right. It shows a lot of overwhelming emotions and sad thoughts. But it shows that the narrator is still struggling with finding the right words to say but will never give up and try again.

Over all, this is great. Keep it up! Have a great day/night!

Hi there upinthearcher, I'm alliyah here to review your poem!

This poem certainly has an emotional / overwhelming feeling and mood to it - and I'm sorry if any of it is inspired by personal happenings and wish you hope and light.

Here's some more specific thoughts I had on your poem -

Overall Interpretation
My interpretation of your poem is that the speaker feels an internal brokenness that feels at odds with the world around them - they feel they aren't worthy of closeness, touch, relationship, or connection - and their inner turmoil becomes reflected in their external situation through a series of dramatic / dangerous images. They eventually make what they later perceive as an enormous mistake (pulling the string) and have no choice but to hope that things will be fine, though they're convinced they'll always be alone.

Strengths
I liked the way that you broke up lines in here to heighten the drama, and that you kept things fairly concise and directed at emotion and action. A lot of poets when writing about strong emotions forget to incorporate some level of action, and then their poem comes across as more of a philosophical treatise than a lived-out emotion - you incorporate plenty of action and image and movement within your lines which make the poem feel lived and is more engaging to a reader.

The poem also kept a consistent tone throughout and I think it came across very strongly. I think my favorite metaphor / line was "appreciate the cold wind / it is all that will ever touch you without feeling like a sin" - there's a ton imbedded into that comment - making me wonder if the speaker has maybe been abused, or faced some physical trauma that prompts them to not have physical contact with others or maybe are ashamed of physical closeness for another reason. It's a heart breaking statement to be sure.

The speaker throughout has this sort of antagonistic inner voice - which as a reader is very uncomfortable - like their own inner thoughts are bullying them instead of helping them.

Growing Edges
There were a few aspects or suggestions I have where you might consider making some slight changes - these are just my suggestions though!

I could not figure out the symbolism / reason for the mismatched silverware - why have one silver and one wood? Is it to show how they are an odd one out? I feel like without some explanation there it's a bit of an odd detail that's almost distracting.

I also had a little bit of trouble putting all the images you gave in your poem in a single scene. In poetry a good technique is to try to use imagery from the same "imagery family" so it all feels like it's connected / can be layered, creates a cohesive picture - an imagery family might be celestial images, beach/water images, string metaphors, nature images, industrial, cooking, bird, machine, medical, building etc. In your poem we had a mirror (interior decorating / furniture), hunting (outdoor / wilderness / animal), wind (outdoor), tapestry (interior decorating / string / crafts), embroiled (fire), black thread (indoor, crafts), fork / knife (indoor, kitchen) - so it felt a little back and forth and at odds at times to put all the images together. I'd try to hone in a little more clearly into one imagery family and really develop those.

I didn't mind the ambiguity too much - but I did feel like maybe because I didn't know the source / reason for the speaker's disconnectedness that some aspects of their emotions seemed unconnected with the narrative of the poem. There wasn't a central issue they were facing but almost a bucket list of problems - mostly I think the main conflict was their disconnectedness from their peers, but I wasn't quite sure how the black thread connected in with that problem. A little more attention to making sure the poem communicates a central message might boost this poem in clarity and meaning too.

Last Impressions

Overall it was an impactful read with some new metaphors! You also did an excellent job editing the poem for conventions - I didn't catch any spelling or grammar distractions - and you chose a consistent capitalization / punctuation scheme that seemed to work for your poem.

Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to reading your next poem.

alliyah