Published December 21, 2005
Dungeons and dragons by morning
Chess club meetings by afternoon
And if he enough time at the end of the day
He'd sit down and watch his favorite anime cartoon
Destined to never get the right girl
‘Cause all of them were from a different world
He sat around all prom night
Staring at the TV’s glaring light
Wishing that he could be there
Dancing with his true love everywhere
But she didn't exsist
Which made him pissed
So he smashed the TV
Yelling "Why me?!"
He went to school the next day
Staring at the people he wanted to be
Thinking to himself, why do i have to be me?
Why can't I throw a ball, or not worry about my looks?
Why is my face always stuck in childish fantasy books?
This is just the beginning...
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hello, this is kman134, here, to review.
This is an impressive piece of work, even though it's written by an eleven-year-old. Oh the curse of a nerd; i feel your pain. the way you pointed all of your hobbies and your activities really relates to me for i like to play chess and watch anime al lot.
"But she didn't exsist
Which made him pissed
so he smashed the TV
Yelling "Why me?!"
You spelled "Exist" with two "S"'s, instead of one; this is what you should be looking out for, grammars and spelling errors. There are other errors, but i'm not going to point them out. All-and-all, this was a pretty good piece of work.
Anyways, hope to read more.
That was awesome...and your only eleven. Ah, see the foolishness of judging a person by age? That was very good. I like it. I dont come to the Poetry area that much but because of your work i think i might venture here more often...
The metering is slightly off. Since it looks like you're doing a structured poem, it should have a consistent metering scheme. Read about it here: http://www.ver2.biz/snoink/kn/writing/5.php
Otherwise, interesting idea.
Hehehe.
Good!
The last formatted line of the first stanza...I would suggest you look it over and decide how you want it to be...depending on how it's phrased when read it either works fine with the number of syllables, or it doesn't. For most people reading, "anime" is quite a stretch of syllables in the line. But if it's paced as one syllable, it works.
You decide.
I think this poem has good potential. I look forward to reading more.
reformat the begining...
Interesting I'd like to see the finished piece though.
EL