Can't fall sleep, or just shut down my brain,
Push off the storm clouds that pour down the pain.
The noises are deafening - wind, thunder, hail,
And fear gets much stronger as strength grows so frail.
And the storm it surrounds me, blinding my vision,
Anger and hurt - they decide each decision.
A thick sheet of ice forms a wedge in my soul,
Licking the embers of burning hot coal.
The rain comes in torrents and sweeps me along,
I try to resist but its hold is too strong.
It sucks me in whirlpools of thick swampy dirt,
I can't lift my head up above all the hurt.
I don't know what's here or what's left that I love,
I cry to the tune of the thunder above.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello.
I have to say your poem is very relatable. I love the way you describe these events. The rain part definitely provides strong imagery, as I have had issues with it myself.
I really like poems that are easy to understand, and are also relatable. Your poem was short and to the point. Great.
Hello tzipwrite!!
This is Eros here to write a review!!
The poem is written so well. I saw the title and felt the force inside me to click on it. I liked how you have expressed everything. The storm and the noices and how they affect you. The poem flowed well. I e-specially appreciate you for the rhyming scheme. including a rhyming scheme in a poem without isturbing the meaning requires a great thinking skill.
The words yo have used were also very good and I could imagine the scenario. AMAZING poem.
I loved this piece. *Heads to the like button*
Well done!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such beautiful works like this one!!
Have a great day/ night/evening!
Hi tzipwrite, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
I'd take out the "and" and put a more descriptive word between "the" and "storm".Title: I thought the title to this poem was quite ordinary and bit over used. I'd defiantly think of changing if I were you since it is one of the only this drawing people in to read your story.
Description: I thought that the words you used in this poem were really nice and gave the right feeling for the poem's message. I think you could use a few more words to bring across the feeling in some of the lines like in this line.
Rhythm: I liked that you put in a rhyme scheme since it made the rhythm flow, but a few areas felt like the rhymes where forced.
I think you could swap these lines around a bit so that the rhymes didn't sound so forced like this maybe
these rhymes also felt a bit forced although I don't have a suggestion on what to do with it.
Grammar and Punctuation: There were a few places were your punctuation was a bit out.
I think there needs to be a comma between "storm" and "it".
I think there needs to be a comma between "resist" and "but".
Overall this was a great poem and I look forward to reading more from you. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hi there! @Kayley01 here for review!
The title is short but suits the poem well. I think the flow of the poem is very good. I t rolls of my tongue easily.
Criticism - where you said "I can't lift my head up above all the hurt" it should be "I can't lift my head up above all of the hurt."
Also I think this poem was a bit hard to understand. You should probably make it a bit more clear. Anyway overall it is an okay poem. It's just that some of it didn't make much sense.
Hi, welcome to the site! Just a few small comments on this one:
I can see what you did here with the pun but I think the double meaning would still be there if you wrote this correctly as pane.1. The title is a bit ordinary! It's the first thing your reader sees and on sites like this, it could be the difference between them reading the poem and not. Even in a book of poetry, I'll often browse the contents page and choose one which sounds interesting. Maybe have a think about adding a few words, something like 'The Invasion Outside my Window' or 'The Pull of the Storm'.
2.
3. You've got an extra syllable in this line - I'd suggest cutting 'so'.
4. You're out in a few more lines but most of them work. This one however feels like it ends abruptly. Maybe 'Licking hot embers from a burning hot coal'.
5. Again, this line feels abrupt so maybe throw an of in there ' 'all of the hurt'.
Overall
I love the sounds and rhythm of this and I think it's a nice poem! It might be fun to play with the images more as some of them are very typical - burning hot coals for example - but it has some solid foundations.
All the best,
Heather
Lovely!Need me some more of this.
It should be published, honestly and truly.