When all I do is flounder
Groping in the dark
Searching for the meaning
A luminescent spark
Day fades into night
Monotonous and cold
What was once calm and right
Becoming stale, dry and old
I look through all the cracks
Desperate, I seek
But glaring back is blackness
My cries are feeble, meek
Yet, alas, there is a lifeline
I know there's hope somehow
One thing keeps me going
Through sadness here and now
One thing that I can count on
One person, tried and true
My love, my safety anchor
The one and only you
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
This was a very nice poem. Firstly, it was about somebody loving someone else and what that person means to them, which I already like. Secondly, the flow was nearly spotless. I found the words effortlessly falling into place as I read them. Overall, it made for an enjoyable little poem. Great work!
Hi tzipwrite, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
as an example. All I'm saying is to make it look interesting.First off though, welcome to the site. I hope you have a great stay.
Title: The title you presented definitely works with the poem, but I felt like it was a bit boring and didn't really make me want to click on this work. I'd put in a bit of description maybe. Like you could call the title
Theme: Basically this is the same clichéd lovers poem that we see all the time, but on the good hand, you put some interesting spins on a usually boring poem. I like that you put in more description than I normally see and the gentle rhyming scheme you had made the poem flow beautifully.
Description: The description you added was really nice and added a lot of colour to a poem that is normally just emotion based. The only thing that I would advice is to maybe add a bit more description in some places. Comparisons are also nice.
Rhythm: Now on to your rhythm. This can be quite a difficult thing to achieve, but you pulled it off perfectly. The rhymes were a great addiction, they weren't so bold or forced that they took away from the poem. Actually I didn't notice them until I had a second look through the poem. They made the rhythm smooth as polished glass and were wonderful to read.
Grammar and punctuation: The biggest problem with your poem had to be the punctuation. There basically wasn't any. Now because I'm terrible at poetry punctuation here's an article that should help you https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=12474..
Overall this was a great poem and I hope to read more from you soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
this is absolutely amazing, you portrayed how important this person is to you in a beautifully structured manner, i love the rhymes, makes me feel like i'm singing if i read it out loud. it's a well composed ode, i think blackness is not really the right word though, maybe darkness would be better, and the rhyme seems to fall out of place, but on the whole it's still very beautifully done. i hope the person addressed appreciates it. keep it up, i'll look forward to more of these
Hi there! I like a lot of the descriptions you use in this as well as your word choice. I only have a few suggestions. The poem is pretty polished already. I'll start with the end. You call this person your anchor. I'd like to see a little more to the description whether it be describing an anchor in a storm, or adding on the the luminescence mentioned before. A small revision could be to pick either "Yet" or "alas" from the 13th line. I feel like it's a little much to use both. This is quite an elegant poem. Thanks for the read!
This is Yams here for a review!
There aren't any stanzas in this poem which could've been because of the formatting of the Publishing Center. It'd be nice if you could chop it up into stanzas so it's easier to read and so we can also see which lines fit into where.
Your first line is awkward and doesn't feel like it's starting the poem. It feels like it's a followup line to a beginning line. The second line somewhat continues the first line?
The lines don't really connect to each other all that well, and I think it kind of messes up the flow. It's like they don't talk to each other. The lines feel single and just put in place to make a narrative.
For example, I'm going to rewrite your first few lines and kind of show you what I mean?
Example:
"All I do is flounder, (flounder i.e struggle)
groping in the dark for meaning but all I get is
a luminescent spark lighting up the dark."
That's just my example. You don't at all have to use it, but I thought it would help with the point I'm trying to make. Later on in the poem, it becomes easier to follow than it just being seemingly pointless imagery.
The actual content of the poem felt like it was just another love poem, but adding in dabs of your own figurative language or imagery to it which made it better and good.
My tip: Use personal experiences to write your poetry. Use real-life examples of things that have happened and stuff.
Have a great day!
Hey!
I loved the flow of this! It was like silk on my mouth and music to my ears. Really whenever I try to do rhyming I almost always end up screwing everything up... So when you did such a good job here, it fascinated me and of course I being me had to say something
The only thing I would suggest is use some puncuations? Bit then again this is a style of writing, so I cannot complain much *shrugs*
In anyways I enjoyed reading your work and look forward to read some more of your awesome writing...
Have s good day
~PD46